Harry Potter is on FIRE 2!
by Darkboy77
Summary: THE SEQUEL IS HERE! More insane stuff, such as a very familiar opening paragraph, a buff Uncle Vernon, Death Eaters not eating death, jedi mind tricks, (shudder) cheek travel, a mad cool hat, an evil beater, and a pair of hot pink boxers.
1. The Afternoon

OKAY!!! ENOUGH!!! YOU'VE ALL ASKED FOR A SEQUEL TO HARRY POTTER IS ON FIRE!!! SO I SHALL GIVE YOU ONE!!! HERE IT IS... HARRY POTTER IS ON FIRE... 2!  
  
Whew, that was tiring. I had to keep my caps lock on for five whole sentences! Which isn't as tiring as actually shouting it out, but who cares?  
  
You'd better not.  
  
Anyway, I asked for three reviews requesting a sequel, and I got over ten, so, I guess I'll just have to give you one!  
  
Anyway, this sequel, sadly, cannot be updated as abnormally fast as the last one; for most of the last one was being done while I was on vacation, and now, vacation's been long over. Sorry, folks- I do have a life. But don't worry- I will try to get at least a chapter a day done, unless I'm overloaded with stuff. So stop crying, will ya'!?  
  
But enough talk. Harry's seventh year will start...  
  
NOW!  
  
Oh, wait, not now...  
  
Not yet...  
  
Not yet...  
  
Not yet...  
  
Okay, now.  
  
Er, I mean,  
  
OKAY, NOW!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter.  
  
The above sentence is a lie.  
  
Just kidding.  
  
Just kidding.  
  
Just kidding.  
  
Just kidding.  
  
Just kidding.  
  
Just kidding.  
  
If you work that out, that should come to... I do not own Harry Potter.  
  
Just kidding.  
  
Just kidding.  
  
--------------------  
  
The hottest day of the summer so far was drawing to a close and a drowsy silence lay over the large, square houses of Privet Drive. Cars that were usually gleaming stood dusty in their drives and lawns that were once emerald green lay parched and yellowing; the use of hosepipes had been banned due to drought. Deprived of their usual car-washing and lawn-mowing pursuits, the inhabitants of Privet Drive had retreated into the shade of their cool houses, windows thrown wide in the hope of tempting in a nonexistent breeze. The only person left outdoors was a teenage boy who was lying flat on his back in a flower bed outside number four.  
  
"Wait a minute-" said the Teenage boy, "that first paragraph sounds familiar... I MEAN, this day seems familiar. (PHEW! I almost broke the invisible barrier between the real-world and the book-world!)"  
  
The teenage boy surveyed his surroundings. Everything was the same as that day such a long time ago- the heat, the dustiness, the ban on hosepipes, everything was the same...  
  
Except for the fact that the teenage boy was at the wrong house.  
  
"Wait a minute-" he said, getting up from the flower bed with a start- "I don't live at number four Privet Drive!"  
  
As he ran off in search of his own house, Harry Potter stepped outside into the heat from the even hotter house of his Aunt and Uncle.  
  
"Hmm, I wonder who that kid is!" thought Harry, as he watched a teenage boy sprint away from number four. "Oh, well, it doesn't matter." He stretched out on the same flower bed that the boy had previously been lying on. But this time, it wasn't because he was listening for news- he was just relieved.  
  
It had only been a few months ago when Voldemort had been taken into custody. Since he had lost his source of power, which were his boxers, of course, he was no more threat that an average wizard.  
  
The ministry, of course, being the idiots that they were, didn't take extreme measures to make sure that Voldemort would never, ever rise again. They just threw him in a regular old Azkaban cell, (albeit an extra-greasy one- the grease really gets to you) and left him with the Dementors, who had returned to Semi-Ministry control. But somehow, the Death-Eaters all got the Death penalty. And no, they didn't eat their Death.  
  
Harry was so relieved, that he even forgot the way his Aunt and Uncle treated him. No, really, he forgot.  
  
"UNCLE VERNON!" shouted Harry.  
  
"B-boy? Did you- just call me!?" responded Uncle Vernon, mildly shocked.  
  
"Yeah, can I have a glass of water?"  
  
"YOU LITTLE DISRESPECTFUL... BOY, YOU! HOW DARE YOU!!!"  
  
Oh, yeah, now he remembered. His Aunt and Uncle had been treating him badly. He also remembered that Uncle Vernon now kept a frying pan with him at all times for some strange reason. But the frying pan was more than a means to laugh at Vernon (very discretely, of course,) it was also a means of getting a spanking.  
  
Harry, who was in no kind of mood to get spanked, jumped up, and sprinted down the driveway of number four.  
  
He heard the door open a bit of a distance back, and then, to his great surprise, he DIDN'T hear Vernon swear loudly and go back inside.  
  
He heard him CHASING him.  
  
Harry looked back nervously, and, sure enough, Vernon was sprinting after Harry, his face purple.  
  
And he seemed to be GAINING on him.  
  
As Harry hastily quickened his pace, he wondered, "Why is he chasing me? Since when is he in the shape to do that?"  
  
--------------------  
  
It had been right after Harry had come off of the new Hogwarts express. The old one had been mysteriously lost... for some, strange reason that DIDN'T have to do with a wizard girl teleporting it away...  
  
Anyway, as Harry met with his... family, the first thing he noticed was Uncle Vernon's figure.  
  
"Holy- when did you get so hot!?" blurted out Harry before he could stop himself.  
  
Vernon, Dudley, and Petunia all looked at Harry like he was crazy.  
  
"Er, I mean... have you been working out?"  
  
"Yes, I have!" snarled Uncle Vernon. "Petunia insisted Dudley get nonstop exercise, and forced me to go along with it! The end result: I gain muscle, lose fat, he gains fat, loses muscle."  
  
"How'd it work out like that?" asked Harry.  
  
"DON'T ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS!"  
  
"Okay." Said Harry, biting back many questions.  
  
-------------------  
  
However, while Harry, being the idiot that he was, was having a flashback, HE FORGOT TO RUN.  
  
"GOT YOU, BOY!" yelled Uncle Vernon, his face changing colors for apparently no reason at all. He once went on tour as the "Face Color Changing Man," but that's another story.  
  
But, of course, screaming "Got you!" while next to someone doesn't automatically get them. You have to actually GRAB them, which is what Uncle Vernon forgot.  
  
"Yes!" breathed Harry, who was relieved at his opportunity for escape. But of course, breathing "yes" doesn't do anything, unless you actually escape, which is what Harry forgot.  
  
"HA!" shouted Vernon, grabbing Harry on the arm. Of course, grabbing someone doesn't do anything, unless you grab them HARD, which is what Vernon also forgot. Harry wrenched his arm out of Vernon's grip, and sprinted away.  
  
"CCCUUUUURRRSSSSSSSEEEEESSSSS!!!" screamed Vernon. "BOY! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU COME BACK HOME! THEN WE'LL TALK ABOUT PUNISHMENT! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
Just then, Aunt Petunia stepped outside. She looked up the sidewalk, and stared at Uncle Vernon.  
  
"VERNON, YOU IDIOT! GET INSIDE!!!"  
  
"Why, Petunia, dear?" asked Vernon.  
  
"YOU'VE FORGOTTEN TO WEAR PANTS!"  
  
Uncle Vernon looked down at his exposed pink boxers, his face changing colors even more rapidly than before.  
  
And that's when EVERY SINGLE ADULT IN THE IMMEDIATE AREA DECIDED TO STEP OUT OF THEIR HOUSES AND LOOK IN THE DIRECTION OF UNCLE VERNON.  
  
Vernon sheepishly covered his boxers, gave a weak wave at the horrified neighbors, and sprinted into the house.  
  
"EEK! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU FREAK!" shrieked the old lady of Number Five Privet Drive.  
--------------------  
  
FINALLY, the first chapter's done! I hope you liked it. And I also hope this story lives up to the 240+ review standard of my other story! And the only way for that to happen is if- YOU REVIEW!!!  
  
So, review.  
  
~!@#$%^&*()_+ 


	2. The Stranger

Hey, six reviews! And in the first chapter! I have a feeling that this story's going to do good...  
  
Unfortunately, none of the reviews have shown up yet, as I just posted the story a few hours ago.  
  
THEY'D BETTER BE POSITIVE REVIEWS!  
  
Anyway, time for the second chapter! But first, if you haven't reviewed the first chapter, review it.  
  
And if you haven't read the first chapter, or the first story, what are you doing here!? Click back a chapter, or click on my pen name and go to the first story.  
  
But if you read my first story AND first chapter, you can read on.  
  
Review.  
  
Not that I'm implying that you have to review, or anything ludicrous like that.  
  
Review.  
  
Disclaimer: Review- er, I do not own Harry Potter.  
  
-------------------- (I love these dash-thingies, don't you?)  
  
Harry stopped running. [Boy, what an opening!]  
  
He had been running for about ten minutes straight, and he was nearly at the outskirts of town. So it didn't surprise him to see Dudley there, dressed in extremely feminine attire.  
  
These things happen at the outskirts of town.  
  
"H-Harry!?" squealed Dudley, the second he saw Harry. "EEE!" he quickly wiped the makeup off of his face and tore off his dress, revealing his regular old clothes.  
  
"Dudley!?" said Harry, with mock surprise. "What were you doing-?"  
  
"It was a bet, OKAY!?" shouted Dudley.  
  
"Who bet you?" asked Harry, stifling a laugh.  
  
"Some skinny kid in glasses... about your... er, um... tall-ness and age... and he wore that same shirt you're wearing... and the same pants... and he had your black hair, which was really messy... and he had that... er, cut-thingy on his head... that was shaped like... er, a... a..."  
  
"A lightning bolt?" blurted out Harry, falling over in tears from laughter.  
  
"Yeah, how'd you know...? HEY! Wait a second..."  
  
"Okay!" laughed Harry, and, of course, one second later, he fell to the ground in even more laughter.  
  
"HEY! STOP THAT FOR A MINUTE!"  
  
"Okay!" Harry stopped.  
  
"That guy who bet me said he'd give me a lot of money... and that guy looked a lot like you, so..."  
  
"Took you long enough." Mumbled Harry.  
  
"TELL YOUR TWIN TO GIVE ME MY MONEY!!!"  
  
Harry just stared at Dudley in disbelief.  
  
"Er, Dudley, I don't have a twin!"  
  
"Oh? Well, then... TELL YOUR TWIN THAT NO ONE KNEW YOU HAD TO... GIVE... ER... OH YEAH, GIVE ME MY MONEY!"  
  
Harry could not contain the "secret" any longer, so he blurted out, "DUDLEY, IT WAS ME WHO BET YOU!"  
  
Dudley just gaped at Harry. "But... it can't be you... the guy who bet me had a small, really fake-looking mustache..."  
  
"Oh yeah!" said Harry, just remembering this. He had taped the fake mustache under his lip before the bet with Dudley... but then he remembered realizing that his mustache had fallen off before he made the bet, yet Dudley still didn't recognize him... But how?  
  
"And," continued Dudley, "His name was Harry Potter..."  
  
"So?" wondered Harry.  
  
"Exactly! Your name isn't Harry... wait a minute..."  
  
At that moment, Harry decided t run. But first, he burst into laughter (a minute had passed). And then, after he had put some distance between him and his cousin, he wondered where to go.  
  
He couldn't go home, as Vernon probably hadn't cooled down yet. He had no other choice. He would have to go to-  
  
But before he could decide where to go to, Voldemort stopped him in the middle of the street.  
  
Wait, did I say Voldemort?  
  
I meant some nameless stranger. Not that the name matters or anything.  
  
--------------------  
  
Review. And then you'll find out who the stranger is! 


	3. Cheek Travel?

16 reviews.  
  
I'm doing well so far.  
  
It took me, like, 5 chapters to get this many for my other story.  
  
So this means that I should have more reviews than before, right?  
  
Right?  
  
Right?  
  
Right?  
  
Left?  
  
Good.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
--------------------  
  
Harry stared at the stranger. He wore a huge hood over his face, and was constantly whipping his head around at every little sound.  
  
"Er, who are you?" wondered Harry aloud.  
  
"I," said the complete stranger in a strangely familiar voice, "Am a COMPLETE STRANGER!"  
  
He threw off his hood, and a totally unfamiliar face was revealed to Harry.  
  
"And..." said Harry skeptically, "what do you want with me?"  
  
The stranger gave Harry a wild look. He was a man that was in his forties, and he had a very haggard appearance.  
  
"Potter..." he said, looking straight into Harry's eyes, "I've been looking for you for an hour! I'm here to tell you that... I want to... take you... with me..."  
  
"What!?"  
  
"Wait, not me, personally, of course... but Mr. Weasley and his family would love to have you at The Burrow..."  
  
"The Burrow!?" said Harry excitedly. He had hoped that this would happen. "Cool!"  
  
"Warm."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Oh, sorry." Said the complete stranger. "I have a nasty habit of saying opposites of what people say. I can't seem to break it."  
  
"So, the habit won't break?" asked Harry.  
  
"Fix." Responded the stranger.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"You don't understand!"  
  
"Right, I don't."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Bad."  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Open down."  
  
Harry just slapped himself on the head.  
  
"Okay, whatever. Just let me get my things."  
  
"What things?"  
  
"The things that I left-"  
  
"Right!"  
  
"-At home!"  
  
"Oh, okay! You go get those things- in fact, tell your aunt and uncle that you're leaving! We were supposed to mail them- but I guess this way is good for less shock!"  
  
"Wait- you were intending to mail them after we had gone?"  
  
"Came?"  
  
"Stop that!"  
  
"Go this! But, eh, yes, we were."  
  
"That would have made no sense."  
  
"Dollars."  
  
"One, they aren't opposites, and two, I said SENSE, not cents!"  
  
"Dollars."  
  
Harry slapped himself on the head again in frustration. "Whatever. But really, it wouldn't have made any... you know what."  
  
"Yes, I know. But on the other hand, neither does this!"  
  
The stranger threw a feather onto the ground.  
  
"I don't get it."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Whatever. But anyway, how are we going to get to The Burrow?"  
  
The stranger just laughed.  
  
"So...?" asked Harry.  
  
"Harry, have you ever heard of CHEEK TRAVEL!?"  
  
"Er... no." Harry had no idea what to expect, but he expected it to be very weird.  
  
"Yes. Now, you just grab one of your cheeks-"  
  
"Wait! I need my stuff!"  
  
"What? Oh, your stuff." With a wave of his wand, the complete stranger conjured up all of Harry's items, already packed.  
  
Harry stared at his luggage in amazement.  
  
"Why didn't you do that before!?"  
  
"After. Because you never asked!"  
  
"But I didn't ask either when you did it!"  
  
"You DIDN'T!? Glory be, that phrase I just said was lame, and I could have sworn you asked!"  
  
"Well, I didn't!"  
  
"Did. Anyway, that's not important. What's important is for you to travel right now!"  
  
"Okay, whatever." Harry just wanted to get away from his boring, old town. "What do I do?"  
  
"First, grab one cheek."  
  
Harry put one hand to his jaw, and gripped his right cheek.  
  
"No!" said the stranger impatiently. "Not your mouth cheeks! Your other pair!"  
  
Harry just looked at the stranger in horror.  
  
---------------------  
  
Review! Review my insane story, NOW! 


	4. The Joggers

Whoo hoo, I have 19 reviews.  
  
Anyway, on with the story!  
  
Disclaimer: I hate Harry Pott- I mean, I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
--------------------  
  
"Are you saying-" Harry dared to ask.  
  
"Yes." Said the stranger. "Grab one of your buttocks, and hold it TIGHT!"  
  
"NO WAY!" shouted Harry. "Someone might see us..."  
  
"Harry, we're at the outskirts of town, in the middle of an old, beaten-down road. No one's going to see."  
  
"O-okay..." Harry, with a wince on his face, reached down and barely touched one of his... eh, cheeks, painfully conscious of the stranger looking at him intently.  
  
"No, Potter, HARDER! You... must... SQUEEZE... HARDER! HAAARRRRRRDDDDEEEEERR!!!"  
  
"Okay, OKAY!" shouted Harry hastily, afraid that the stranger's shouts would alert someone to look in their direction.  
  
Wincing, he grabbed hold of one of his cheeks, and squeezed.  
  
"Good!" said the stranger, squeezing one of his own. "Now, I must conduct the spell. Once the spell has started, if you let go of your cheek, you will die!"  
  
"WHAATT!?" screamed Harry, automatically squeezing his butt tighter.  
  
"The spell has started! Don't let go!"  
  
Harry could not believe it. He was expected to squeeze his butt as tight as he could, as a means of traveling miles by some sick, twisted magic spell? And if he let go, he'd die?  
  
Well, at least no one was around to see them.  
  
Besides the hundreds of joggers just passing through the outskirts of town, in the middle of a "Jog For People Who Are Less Fortunate Than Rich People, Which Is Just a Fancy Way Of Saying Jog For Regular, Average, Middle-Class People Such As Yourself" event.  
  
"OH NO!" screamed Harry.  
  
"Oh yes." Said the stranger.  
  
"IT'S THE JFPWALFTRPWIJAFWOSJFRAMCPSAY EVENT!"  
  
"You know, that acronym is very annoying."  
  
"BUT WE'VE GOT TO HIDE BEFORE THEY SEE-"  
  
"Hey, look!" shouted a jogger, pointing at Harry and the Stranger. "It's a kid and adult grabbing their butts together!"  
  
At that, the jog flat-out STOPPED. Every single jogger turned to stare at them.  
  
"Is the spell done?" whispered Harry to the stranger.  
  
"Started."  
  
"REALLY!"  
  
"Fake... er, fake-ly. And really, it is only started."  
  
Harry, painfully conscious of the hundreds of pairs of eyes at his back, felt like he wanted to just melt away. He closed his eyes, his face growing redder than imaginable.  
  
"Okay, Harry, it's done!"  
  
"YES!" shouted Harry, causing many joggers to feel very sick.  
  
"No. But anyway, we have to wait for these joggers to leave. We don't want them to see magic, now, do we?"  
  
Harry almost died.  
  
---------------------  
  
Ten minutes later, just about all the joggers had left.  
  
If you count moving about one inch "leaving," of course.  
  
"Why?" asked Harry to the heavens. "Why did you do this?"  
  
"Because-" responded a voice.  
  
"WHAT!?" shouted Harry.  
  
"Harry, calm down, it's just me." Said the stranger."  
  
"Oh. What's your name, anyway?"  
  
The stranger turned to Harry. "My name... IS... JOE SMITH!!!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
"What?" said Joe, taken aback. "You didn't cringe in fear! M-my name doesn't strike fear and/or amazement into your heart?"  
  
"No, actually, it's quite common."  
  
"Unique. Spell's done." Said Joe, very gruffly.  
  
And with a flash, they disappeared.  
  
All of the joggers happened to be looking the other way, of course.  
  
-------------------  
  
Yeah. Next chapter, we find out what changes happened to Ron and Hermione over the summer!  
  
Review. 


	5. Head Boy

Okay, chapter five here.  
  
Right at this chapter in my last story, I had about 12 reviews.  
  
Now I have 24, which is twice as much, yo.  
  
Maybe I'll end up with 488 reviews!?  
  
I doubt it.  
  
Okay, enough. Time to start the chapter!  
  
Disclaimer: I own $1.  
  
--------------------  
  
Harry stared at Ron and Hermione. He couldn't believe his eyes.  
  
They were so different that Harry almost had a heart attack. They had become so similar- it was just uncanny-  
  
And then he realized that he was staring at Fred and George.  
  
"Hello, Harry." Said George. "How's life going?"  
  
"Great. How's the business going?"  
  
"What business?" asked Fred.  
  
"You know- the joke sho-"  
  
"SHUT UP!" screamed Fred. He dived onto Harry, and clamped his mouth shut.  
  
"MMMPH!" came Harry's muffled voice.  
  
"Harry..." said George seriously, "You must never say those two words!"  
  
"What, Joke sh-" started Harry, but Fred clamped his mouth shut.  
  
"YES!" said George hastily. "If ANYONE in this house says those two words, then the house will fall over!"  
  
"Er... why?" wondered Harry aloud.  
  
"Because, we put a charm on it." Responded Fred.  
  
"Er... why?"  
  
"Well..." said Fred, "We... er... oh my gosh, why DID we do it?"  
  
"You're the genius." Said George. "I thought you came up with that plan."  
  
"No, you did!"  
  
"No, you did!"  
  
"You!"  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"Oh, wait, it was me." Said George sheepishly.  
  
Harry could hardly believe what idiots they had become.  
  
"Idiots." Said Harry quietly.  
  
If you count screaming at the top of your lungs as "quiet."  
  
Looking highly affronted, Fred and George stalked out of the room.  
  
Shaking his head, Harry decided to try and find Ron and Hermione.  
  
It didn't take him long. They had been standing an inch from his face the whole time.  
  
"Ron! Hermione!" shouted Harry. "Hey!"  
  
"Hey, Harry!" said Ron, who had grown even taller over the vacation.  
  
"Nice to see you, Harry!" said Hermione, who hadn't changed a bit.  
  
"How'd you get here, anyway?" asked Ron.  
  
"Cheek travel." Said Harry, growing scarlet. Hermione just erupted into a fit of giggles.  
  
"Wait a minute-" said Harry suddenly, "Hermione, did you get head girl?"  
  
"No." said Hermione, just recovering. "Oh, wait- I mean yes."  
  
"And Harry," said Ron, beaming, "YOU GOT HEAD BOY!"  
  
It took Harry a moment to take in this statement.  
  
"Wait- I can't be head boy! I'm not even a prefect!"  
  
"Obviously, you can." Said Hermione. "I expect Dumbledore has specific PLANS for you.  
  
And then she died.  
  
"She" being the ant that was currently under Hermione's shoe.  
  
But that's not important, now is it?  
  
Harry, who had felt a bit of pride right at the start of the news, was now feeling horror. What "Plans" could Dumbledore have in store for him? Maybe he wanted Harry to... was that even possible... maybe... just maybe... maybe... possibly... perhaps... perhaps it could... no, that was too horrible... but maybe... maybe it COULD happen... maybe... maybe...  
  
MAYBE DUMBLEDORE WANTED HARRY TO... DO SOMETHING FOR HIM!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  
  
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Review. Now. You. Please? Can.  
  
You might want to try putting those in the correct order. 


	6. The New Hogwarts Express

Ha, 35 reviews! I'm doing great!  
  
Well, here comes chapter six!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry. Potter, that is.  
  
--------------------  
  
Over the whole summer, the thing Harry had been looking forward to the LEAST was the ride on the "new" Hogwarts express. [Remember, it got teleported away in HP is on Fire 1?]  
  
For one thing, it wasn't "new" at all.  
  
The sign for platform nine, that is. The new Hogwarts express was actually very new.  
  
But that didn't make Harry hate it, of course. The thing that Harry hated the most was that the train commented on everything the students did while inside it.  
  
Yes, the train itself commented on everything that the students did. And they were always bad comments. Harry didn't know how the heck that worked, because Hermione had said that it wasn't magic, but he didn't know a lot of things.  
  
He had a dull feeling that it had to do with the booth next to the entrance of his compartment that was labeled "Speaker System Booth," the fact that their were cameras in all of the compartments that were hooked up to said booth, and the fact that the sounds of the train only came from speakers that were placed on the ceiling.  
  
"Wait a minute..." thought Harry, "that's not the train speaking... that's... the train speaking!"  
  
"Harry, that made no sense, you fool." Said Ron. They both entered a compartment together.  
  
"Did you just call me a fool, yo!?" said Harry, jumping up.  
  
"Er, Harry, did you forget to take your medication this morning?" asked Ron nervously.  
  
"Ron, I don't take medication, ya' fool." Said Harry, while taking his medication.  
  
In a matter of seconds, his "mad cool" level had dropped back to normal.  
  
And that's when Hermione came in, wearing absolutely nothing.  
  
Besides all of her clothes.  
  
"I must say, those clothes are very... bad!" said the train, in a lame attempt to make an insult.  
  
"Oh, shut up." Said Hermione.  
  
"No... YOU!" responded the train.  
  
"Anyway," said Hermione, turning to Harry, "Remember? We have to sit in the head boy/girl's compartment."  
  
"We have a head boy/girl compartment!?" said Harry with surprise.  
  
"No... we don't! Just kidding!" said the train, laughing at its joke.  
  
"Whatever." Said Hermione. "Come on, Harry. And Ron, don't you have to sit with the prefects?"  
  
"That little... Red-Headed Rat Nosed Chocolate Vanilla Swirl Flavored Ice Cream is a prefect!?" said the train with mock surprise. "Amazing!"  
  
"Shut up, you." Said Ron, going to the perfects compartment.  
  
And then he went out, and headed to the PREfects compartment.  
  
"Anyway, Harry," said Hermione, going into their special compartment, "We get this place to OURSELVES. Know what that means?"  
  
"Yes." Said Harry. "Oh, wait, no."  
  
"Well," said Hermione, "It means that we get to make out!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! !!!!!"  
  
"By making out, I mean that we get to discuss the plans we have for the school!"  
  
"You REALLY should use less... well, less misunderstand-able words."  
  
"Harry, misunderstand-able isn't a word."  
  
"Yes it is."  
  
"Liar."  
  
"No, you are."  
  
"NO, YOU ARE!" said the train.  
  
"How do you even work!?" shouted Hermione in frustration. "Electronic things don't work around Hogwarts!"  
  
And with that, the whole system of speakers, and the lights, turned off.  
  
"Hermione, we're still miles away from Hogwarts."  
  
And with that, everything turned back on.  
  
"So? There are thousands of kids in here, all with EXTREMELY MAGICAL WANDS."  
  
Everything turned off again.  
  
"Now you've gone and done it." Said Harry.  
  
The rest of the train ride was a lot of stumbling around, punctuated by extreme darkness.  
  
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Ha. Ha. Ha. I know that sentence made no sense, but hey, this story doesn't make sense.  
  
None of the stories on the page you found this on make sense.  
  
The whole humor section doesn't make sense!  
  
Fanfiction dot net doesn't make sense!  
  
You don't make sense!  
  
Review. 


	7. The Sorting Ceremony

Hahaha! I can finally update!  
  
Don't ask me why I couldn't update until now.  
  
Anyway, it seems my other story (Harry's Adventure), has been getting more reviews than this! (!?!?!?)  
  
And it has an average of, like, 40 words per chapter! (That last WORD should make 40+ words altogether!)  
  
However, 1/3 of the reviews are flames... so there.  
  
Just about... zero of these stories' reviews are flames.  
  
Oh, wait... I think I found a flame! Wait, no, that's just a low-grade compliment.  
  
Who came up with the word "flame," anyway?  
  
Whatever. Onward!  
  
Disclaimer: You imagine the disclaimer. What fun. --------------------  
  
Harry felt that he was, at last, at home again.  
  
But he was wrong.  
  
He was only at third base.  
  
"SAFE!" shouted the umpire.  
  
Harry ran off of the baseball diamond to go to his OTHER home, Hogwarts.  
  
---------------------  
  
"Welcome, WELCOME!" said Dumbledore. "Welcome to another year at Hogwarts! But before we begin the sorting, I must introduce... THE NEW SORTING HAT!"  
  
"New sorting hat!?" exclaimed everyone in perfect unison. This would have been kind of creepy if they hadn't rehearsed it all of last year in the first few weeks of school.  
  
"Yes, new sorting hat! The old one, I'm afraid, has entered mortality."  
  
"But how!?" exclaimed Ron. "IT'S A BLOODY HAT!"  
  
"Watch your language, Mr. Weasley!" said Dumbledore. "And YES, this hat HAS entered mortality, believe it or not! One day, it just toppled over, and BAM, we had to get a new one!"  
  
"Wow." Said Harry in amazement.  
  
"Anyway, I'd like to introduce... the NEW sorting hat! I hope that you'll find this a bit more... well, modern!"  
  
The entire great hall focused their attention on professor McGonagall, who had run somewhere to get the new hat.  
  
Or so they thought.  
  
After ten minutes, Hagrid was sent to retrieve McGonagall, and he brought her back a minute later.  
  
"I-I'm sorry!" said McGonagall sheepishly. "I... er, never mind. Anyway," she brought out the new hat, and laid it onto the stool. "Here's the new sorting hat!"  
  
Everyone stared in amazement.  
  
First of all, it wasn't a "hat," it was more of a "cap." A white, red, blue, and purple baseball cap. Just when Harry thought that this event couldn't get any weirder, the cap jumped up onto its brim.  
  
"YO!" shouted the cap in a powerful voice that scared the heck out of everyone. And it wasn't only the voice that scared them. It was the words, mostly.  
  
"Yo, like, I'm da' new sorting hat, yo! Yo, I'm gonna sort ya', awight!? Good."  
  
"What has Dumbledore done?" breathed Hermione in horror.  
  
"Okay," said the hat, "instead of singing a song, yo, I'm gonna spit a freestyle rap for y'all, ya' heard? Cool, yo!"  
  
"D-did that hat just say it was going to RAP!?" shouted Harry in rage.  
  
"Dumbledore's gone crazy." Said Ron. "He's gone barking mad..."  
  
"Okay... here goes, yo!" shouted the hat.  
  
"Awight, I'm da' sorting hat, ya' heard?  
  
And I'm not one to be at a loss of words,  
  
Cuz'... er... well, it seems I'm at a loss of words...  
  
And... er, well... I... I'm not a bird...  
  
I... er... um, I'm mad cool, yo,  
  
And I don't have a bow,  
  
And I can put on a great show,  
  
Er... um... uh... er... um... yo,  
  
And... Aw, I just sort you into houses, okay?  
  
SO PUT ME ON YOUR DANG HEAD ALREADY!!! Yo."  
  
Silence greeted the end of this very short and very painful song.  
  
"That... was... just... messed... up..." breathed Ron.  
  
"Yes it was." Agreed Hermione and Harry.  
  
The first years were all huddled in a corner, half of them crying.  
  
"Zzyvote, Patricia!" shouted the hat.  
  
"Come on..." said McGonagall, seizing Patricia Zzyvote, who, oddly enough, was first on the list, which was in A to Z order.  
  
Patricia nervously put the hat on. After a few seconds, the hat bellowed out,  
  
"POLICE FOLLOWIN' JIVE, YO!"  
  
"What!?" shouted the whole hall in unison again.  
  
"Oh, y'all want the politically correct version? Okay, HUFFLEPUFF!"  
  
Patricia ran over to the Hufflepuff table.  
  
"Zzyxiote, Harold!" shouted the hat.  
  
Harold got sorted into "Mad Breakin' yet Slippery," or Slytherin, and Rupert Zzzigiot became the first "Mad Breakin' yet Clean.", or Gryffindor.  
  
And, for reference, Ravenclaw was just Ravenclaw. No one knew why.  
  
Finally, as Phillip Zzzzzzzzzz got sorted into Ravenclaw, the sorting ended.  
  
"Now-" said Dumbledore, ripping the hat up into shreds with his magic, "Before I search for a new hat, I have a few words for you. Oh, wait, no I don't. Tuck in."  
  
And with that, food appeared on everyone's plates.  
  
--------------------  
  
Ha ha ha! Nice sorting ceremony! Now review. 


	8. Privileges

Oh yeah, the eighth chapter, and almost 60 reviews. Really, it was the FOURTEENTH or something chapter last time! I'm progressing so good, it's scary.  
  
I really appreciate the fact that you take the time to click one itty bitty button and type a few words of gratitude. And to prove this, I'm going to start responding to any new reviews I get, starting and the end of the next chapter!  
  
Oh, boy, I hope I don't get twenty million new ones, because I'll have to think of new comments for all of them! [Reader starts reviewing all of the chapters]  
  
Anyway... er... yeah.  
  
Now onward!  
  
Disclaimer: / \ / \ / \  
  
The chopsticks tell all.  
___  
  
"Hmm, there's a line right above this sentence. How'd it get there?"  
  
"What was that?" asked Dumbledore.  
  
"Nothing." Said Harry. He was in Dumbledore's office. And he was scared out of his mind. Dumbledore had called Harry to his office to "discuss" the "plans" he had for Harry. Harry didn't like this one bit.  
  
For one, Dumbledore was wearing that same business suit and animal mask that he was wearing at the dreaded "laundry" incident last year.  
  
For another, he had a grin on his face. An evil grin.  
  
And, for yet another reason, Dumbledore was pointing his wand at Harry's-  
  
"HOLD ON!" shouted Harry, jumping up. "This is ENOUGH! I'm sorry, Dumbledore, but I can't be used as a tool in any of your perverted schemes any more!"  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Dumbledore innocently. "I just was going to tell you that now, with you being head boy and all; you would have some special privileges."  
  
"Then... why were you pointing your wand at my-"  
  
"Face?" finished Dumbledore. "I don't know."  
  
"It was my fac- I mean, what kind of privileges?"  
  
"Actually," said Dumbledore, folding his hands in his lap, "It's more of... a privilege..."  
  
"As in... one privilege?"  
  
"...s."  
  
It took Harry a moment to figure out what Dumbledore said.  
  
"So... you're saying 'It's more of a privileges?'"  
  
"Yes." Said Dumbledore, looking proud of himself.  
  
"That makes no sense!"  
  
"Why? I said it's more of... two privileges."  
  
"No you didn't, liar."  
  
"Yes I did. Just now."  
  
"THEN WHY THE HECK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT I HAD TWO PRIVILEGES IN THE FIRST PLACE!?"  
  
"I love making you scream. You're cute when you scream."  
  
Fighting back the urge to dash out of the room, Harry forced himself to ask, "What're my two privileges?"  
  
"Your two privileges are:" said Dumbledore, standing up, "The ability to give or take away house points!"  
  
Harry couldn't help letting a "YES!" escape. He had dreamed of this since... a long time ago.  
  
But then he realized something.  
  
"Don't I have another privilege?"  
  
"Why, no!" said Dumbledore. "I only said you had one! Remember? Privilege, a singular verb?"  
  
"Privilege isn't a verb."  
  
"Good. Now get out! And don't go abusing your to privileges!"  
  
Harry smacked himself on the head many, many, times.  
  
___  
  
"Hey, it's that line again!" said Harry.  
  
"What was that?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Nothing." Said Harry.  
  
"Back on topic, Harry, I think there's a reason that Dumbledore gave you this awesome power!"  
  
"What, he didn't give YOU it?"  
  
"Well... yeah." Said Hermione, growing red.  
  
"Yes! I'll get these Slytherins back!" said Harry, grinning evilly.  
  
"Harry, DON'T. There's no telling what Dumbledore would do if he found this out!"  
  
But it was too late; Harry had already taken thirty points from Slytherin.  
  
EXACTLY Five minutes ago.  
  
"Oh well, at least Dumbledore didn't see!" said Hermione with relief.  
  
And then Harry realized that he had stopped smacking himself and had started to leave Dumbledore's office EXACTLY five minutes ago.  
  
Which meant that Dumbledore had heard.  
  
"Potter!" shouted Dumbledore, coming out of virtually nowhere. "I heard! So... er... I don't know, I guess I'll give Malfoy your power too."  
  
Harry and Hermione turned to face Dumbledore, completely astounded.  
  
And that's when Ron walked up to Harry and Hermione. He looked at their shocked faces, and at Dumbledore.  
  
"What'd I miss?" he wondered aloud.  
  
___  
  
Hey, that line AGAIN! Er, anyway, review. This time (place) tomorrow (next chapter), I'll be responding to your reviews!  
  
So review, yo! Give me something to respond to, yo!  
  
Please? 


	9. The New Power

Yes, chapter nine, and 70 reviews!  
  
Yeah, but anyway, I think I'll respond to your reviews... NOW!  
  
xxGinnyxx: Hahaha... I'm glad you like my story.  
  
John: I LIKE TO SCREAM TOO!!!  
  
Hihospeghetio: You have a weird name. Thanks for reviewing. And yes, Joe Smith is a scary name! Finally, someone realizes this!  
  
Ash Vault Rose Garden: You like, have the coolest name ever, and don't worry, I'll keep writing!  
  
Feline-go-meow: Yo, yo, I like your review, son,  
  
Cuz' I have fun in da' sun,  
  
An' I know I can't rap,  
  
And I'm makin' fun of dat fact!  
  
So that's why I rap.  
  
Word.  
  
Eulalia James: Well... okay, okay, I won't kill you.  
  
Sophiethedevil: You write some funny $*** when you review. And yes, I did say dollar-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk.  
  
Drangonsile: Thank you.  
  
Thank you.  
  
Thank you.  
  
Thank you.  
  
Thank you.  
  
__________  
  
Oh yeah, a new line-thingy to symbolize passages of time or point of view or breaks or whatever.  
  
Disclaimer: Potter ain't mine, yo!  
  
__________  
  
"We still have all of our points left!?" shouted Harry in amazement. He had never thought that Malfoy wouldn't immediately take away all of Gryffindor's points.  
  
"Yes!" squealed Hermione with glee. "And I know why! Malfoy may have the power... but he doesn't KNOW it! Dumbledore neglected to tell him!"  
  
"Wow." Said Ron. "What a lucky break! But we should really have this conversation in the Great Hall for breakfast instead of under Hermione's bed covers."  
  
"Agreed." Said Harry and Hermione at the same time.  
  
___________  
  
"Now," said Hermione, "All we have to do is NOT alert Malfoy to his new ability to take away and give points! And Harry, you don't give or take away points to anyone at all in front of him."  
  
"Okay." Said Harry. "I won't alert Malfoy, and I won't do anything to points without reason."  
  
Malfoy walked past Harry's table.  
  
"WHAT NEW POWER TO TAKE AND/OR GIVE AWAY POINTS!?" blurted out Harry.  
  
Ron and Hermione just smacked themselves very, very hard.  
  
"Potter..." said Malfoy, sneering, "What... the heck are you blabbering about?"  
  
"Er... nothing."  
  
Malfoy just stared at Harry. "Watch yourself, Potter. I'm going to get you GOOD for getting my dad killed... I would kill you myself, if I could... but I'll settle for ANY OTHER WAY THAT IS POSSIBLE... if I ever get the chance..."  
  
Harry just sweat very profusely.  
  
"In fact, I wish that 100 points could be taken away from Gryffindor right NOW..."  
  
Harry sweat even more.  
  
"I would jump up and say, ONE-HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRYFFINDO-"'  
  
And that's when Pansy Parkinson grabbed Malfoy's hand for no apparent reason.  
  
"No, Pansy, not now, no!" she still pulled Malfoy away, despite his screaming.  
  
Harry breathed a sigh of relief. However, the people in the unknown house of Gryffindo weren't too happy.  
  
"That was close, Harry." Said Ron.  
  
"Agreed." Said Hermione.  
  
But Harry couldn't rest yet. Malfoy may discover his power tomorrow...  
  
Or the next day...  
  
Or the next day...  
  
Or the next day...  
  
Or the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or the day before that, or the next day, or the next day, or the day after the next day!  
  
Or the next day.  
  
Exactly 0.00002 next days later, Malfoy jumped up, and shouted, for NO APPARENT REASON,  
  
"TWENTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!!"  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione whipped around.  
  
"No!" they all shouted. Twenty points wouldn't hurt much, but if Malfoy found out that when he said that the rubies were falling out of the hourglass, he'd figure out his new power over points!  
  
And goodness knows what would happen then...  
  
__________  
  
Ooh, what will happen!? Review and don't find out if you don't review which means review.  
  
Boo-yah! I just said a word that doesn't exist!  
  
Review.  
  
And then I'll have to think of a witty response! 


	10. Oh No!

Yes, finally, chapter ten, and me with almost 80 reviews!  
  
So, all of you out there, review!  
  
And now to answer to any new reviews.  
  
_____ (I love that break-line thingy!)  
  
Ash Vault Rose Garden: Sorry, but *sniffs* I can't instant message! Or whatever it's called, as long as it involves screen names. And don't ask me why. It's just too painful to explain. And go buy another toothpick. They're on sale somewhere.  
  
John: Hey, thanks for the 20 points! Only 7,234,567 to go, and then I have 0!  
  
Drangonsile: Thankthankthankthank you.  
  
Feline-go-meow: Okay, okay. I won't call you son again, son. Don't take it personal, son. It's just an expression, son. Like when people say "let's go, guys!" when the group is made up of just as many girls as boys, son. So I won't call you son, son. I'll find another name. Starting right after this sentence, son. Are you happy now, Feline-Go-Meow, AKA sdjfa;lhgf;as? (I like son better, but I wouldn't want to insult my readers!)  
  
xxGinnyxx: Don't worry, they weren't doing anything under the bedcovers, except for talking. And thanks.  
  
DarkWitch88: Hey, I'm Darkboy77, and you're DarkWitch88! Hmm... Anyway, most probably, I won't stop writing.  
  
_____  
  
Disclaimer: Yo.  
  
_____  
  
Harry saw the precious stones slide out of the Gryffindor hourglass. After realizing there was no practicality in having hourglasses filled with precious stones, he turned to Malfoy.  
  
To his immense relief, Malfoy hadn't seen the stones slide out.  
  
Or had he?  
  
He couldn't have, as his back was turned.  
  
Or was it?  
  
Malfoy was staring RIGHT at the Gryffindor hourglass, his mouth wide open.  
  
Harry's heart fell. He knew that Malfoy would soon put two and two together-  
  
And then Harry realized that it was Ron who he was staring at, not Malfoy.  
  
"Ron, how'd you get to look so much like Malfoy?" asked Harry.  
  
"Er, I don't know!" said Ron hurriedly, hiding his "How to look like Draco Malfoy" book which was written by a mister "Eel Nats."  
  
"In any case, Malfoy didn't find out that he now has the power to give and/or take away points from ANY HOUSE that he wishes!"  
  
"Harry..." said Hermione, seething, "Did you realize that YOU JUST SHOUTED THAT OUT TO THE WHOLE GREAT HALL!?"  
  
"No, I didn't." shouted Harry.  
  
Malfoy turned to look at Harry.  
  
"You're trying to trick me!" he said, striding over to the Gryffindor table.  
  
"No I'm not- er, I mean, no I'm not- er, I mean, yes I am."  
  
Hermione and Ron both slapped themselves on the head at Harry's idiocy.  
  
Malfoy gave Harry a questioning look.  
  
"One point from Gryffindor." He said.  
  
A single precious stone fell from the Gryffindor hourglass.  
  
Malfoy grinned malevolently. He was going to have fun. Oh, he was going to have fun.  
  
_____  
  
After Malfoy came out of the very fun ball pit, he immediately took two-hundred points from Gryffindor.  
  
"WHAAT!?" shouted Harry, who, for some reason, hadn't left the great hall yet. "TWO-HUNDRED POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!" he shouted.  
  
As the precious stones came back into the hourglass, Dumbledore, who was right next to Harry, spoke.  
  
"Mister Potter, I told you NOT to abuse your power!"  
  
"But Malfoy just took two-hundred points!"  
  
"Yes, but I don't care about Malfoy. His mom showed me how to make my beard shine more, so I can't reprimand him. But you- unless you have a reason, and that does not include refilling your points, you MUST NOT GIVE YOUR HOUSE ANY POINTS!"  
  
And with that, Dumbledore disapparated, apparated back, apologized for apparating and defying the laws of magic, and ran off.  
  
Harry smiled. Dumbledore forgot one thing- he never said that Harry couldn't take points AWAY from Slytherin! Oh, he was going to have fun... a LOT of fun...  
  
And he ran off to the super duper ball pit.  
  
_____  
  
Hahaha! Next chapter: More stuff happens! 


	11. Point Frenzy

This is freaking scary.  
  
I have 90 reviews IN MY ELEVENTH CHAPTER.  
  
Last time, I had about 30 reviews here! Or slightly more.  
  
I'm progressing 3 times faster than normal, and since my last story has 277 reviews, will that mean I'll end up with 700-800 or more reviews!?  
  
Yeah, right.  
  
_____  
  
Responses:  
  
Jen/Draca: Glad you liked it, now!  
  
Hihospeghetio: I can't get over your insane yet cool name! Spaghetti! Anyway, quite frankly, the part about "shagging" was disturbing, yet oddly satisfying, if that makes sense. But there's a reason that the "next day" section reminds you about Spongebob...  
  
xxGinnyxx: Thank you! Gracias! And... er, I don't know any other languages. Anyway, you're the VERY FIRST on my favorites list! Ash Vault is about to become the second... but why am I writing this in your response space?  
  
Ash Vault Rose Garden: Don't worry; your secret THAT YOU CAN FIND IN THE REVIEW PAGE BECAUSE YOU WROTE IT THERE is safe with me. And, as you should have read, you are about to be added to my favorites!  
  
Ms. I. C. U. P.: Do you like names that give people bad images? Anyway, yes, I agree that Harry is stupider. I mean, come on! Anyone who reads the books can see that Harry was stupid from the start. Brave, yes, but stupid.  
  
Drangonsile: Glad you like my story, yo! *Gasp!*  
  
John: Even though on my review page it says 90, I think you put A LOT more zeroes there. The ways reviews come out are so messed up. Anyway- thanks!  
  
Feline-Go-Meow: You remind me of some play where there are two humans who act like a fox and a cat. The cat goes meow and purrs, and the fox growls, for some reason. And the scary thing is, they're both full humans. Just thought you'd like to know.  
  
Grr-owl!  
  
Meow!  
  
_____  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
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"Two hundred points from Gryffindor." Said Malfoy.  
  
Just about half of the stones fell out.  
  
Harry cursed. He'd have to find a reason to get them back!  
  
He looked around. None of his fellow Gryffindors were doing anything good... but he saw Goyle trying to steal a snack from a girl...  
  
"GOYLE!" shouted Harry.  
  
Goyle turned to Harry, confused.  
  
"Two Hundred points from Slytherin for your... sticky fingers!"  
  
"Aw, no fair!" said Goyle, wiping the honey off of his fingers.  
  
Now Gryffindor and Slytherin had equally low points.  
  
"What!? This is crazy!" shouted Malfoy, who had come into the great hall to see if Gryffindor's points had gone down. "How'd WE lose this many points!? And where's Goyle?"  
  
"Er," started Crabbe, but Malfoy ignored him.  
  
"There you are! How'd we lose those points!?"  
  
"Erm, uh... Potter... uh, took them?"  
  
"Potter!?" Malfoy whipped around and stared straight at... thin air.  
  
"Over HERE, Malfoy!" said Harry, exactly 180º away from Malfoy's gaze.  
  
"Potter!? Is it true!?" said Malfoy skeptically.  
  
"Yes, Malfoy, it is!" said Harry triumphantly.  
  
"You little- just for taking 200 points from our house, I'm taking 300 from yours!  
All of the remaining stones fell out.  
  
"We had 500 point- I MEAN, that's unfair!" shouted Harry.  
  
"And an extra 100 for criticizing me!"  
  
"Oh yeah? Well, er... 600 points from Slytherin, because you're a git!"  
  
"900 for name-calling!"  
  
"900 for being a beast of burden!"  
  
"I know that's a very lame cleaned-up version of a swearword! 1,000 for cursing!"  
  
"2,000 for having wrinkles in your shirt!"  
  
"3,000 for having messy hair!"  
  
"How do the hourglasses show negative points?" wondered Goyle, but no one listened.  
  
"4,000 FOR NOT STANDING UP WITH GOOD POSTURE!" bellowed Harry.  
  
"9,000 FOR HAVING YOUR WAND IN YOUR POCKET INSTEAD OF IN YOUR POCKET!" screamed Malfoy.  
  
"16,000 FOR NOT MAKING SENSE!"  
  
"99,005 FOR USING BAD GRAMMAR!"  
  
"246,900 FOR USING AN ODD NUMBER!!!"  
  
"997,880 FOR BEING A GIT!"  
  
"1,000,000 FOR REUSING A REASON!"  
  
"67,999,852 FOR TAKING AWAY ONE MILLION POINTS!!!"  
  
"987,342,135,678,902, BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!"  
  
"153,467,566,897,999,555,666,777,432,111,222,333,444,555,666,777,888,999,000 ,898,905 FOR DOING USING SUCH A LARGE AND LUDICROUS NUMBER!"  
  
"ONE GOOGLE FOR..."  
  
"SSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!" screamed the Slytherin and Gryffindor hourglasses.  
  
Yes, the hourglasses.  
  
_____  
  
Oh boy! Surprise ending!  
  
Review. 


	12. Oppressed Hourglasses Unite!

COME ON!  
  
ONLY SIX MORE REVIEWS AND THEN I HAVE 100!!!  
  
All I need is for ONE, JUST ONE of you to review HALF of my chapters, AND I'M THERE!  
  
I KNOW that ONE of you who's reading this hasn't reviewed!  
  
JUST ONE!!!  
  
Review SIX CHAPTERS, and then I can start the 100-review party!  
  
And then get ready for the 200-review party!  
  
Not motivated yet? Okay, how about THIS?  
  
I will determine who gives me my 100th review, and thank them personally. As in the first thing in the chapter.  
  
It's not much. But my word's still worth 1 million dollars*.  
  
Anyway, on to the review feedback!  
  
_____  
  
Sophiethedevil: Well, aren't we observant?  
  
Hihospeghetio: WHAAT!? STAN LEE IS THE GUY WHO CREATED SPIDER-MAN, THE X-MEN, THE HULK, THE FANTASTIC FOUR, AND EVERYTHING ELSE EXCEPT FOR BATMAN AND SUPERMAN (which *cough* DC comics created *cough*)!!! And grant me more review points, word up!  
  
xxGinnyxx: I think by now, you've seen my reviews for your most popular story. And if not, go there. You'll be surprised at your review count. THERE'S A REASON YOU'RE ON MY FAVORITES!!!  
  
Drangonsile: Just so you know, your story is on my favorites list. The first one, too. So you'd better update it within the next month, or I'll take it off! And no, a month IS NOT 123,423,553,634,766,357,536,232,745,869,906,352,986,123,567,853,562,968,462, 245 days.  
  
_____  
  
Disclaimer: I say the hip, hop, Harry ain't mine!  
  
_____  
  
Much to Malfoy and Harry's surprise, the hourglasses jumped down from their stands, and rolled over to Harry and Malfoy.  
  
"Never-"said one, "Has a crazy scheme LIKE THIS happened before!"  
  
"Yeah!" said the Gryffindor one. "I mean, if you didn't know, recording negative points is EXTREMELY hard. Just about 100,000 tire us out! But the numbers YOU were adding up-"  
  
"If we hadn't stopped you, we would have DIED!" ended the Slytherin one.  
  
"Y-you-you can talk!?" said Harry in disbelief.  
  
"Yeah, obviously!" said the Gryffindor one.  
  
"This is crazy..." said Malfoy.  
  
"Anyway," said the Slytherin one, "We want one of you, just one, to give back the points you took away."  
  
"NO WAY!" said Harry and Malfoy at the same time.  
  
"We're warning you..." said the hourglasses very menacingly.  
  
Harry looked at Malfoy, and Malfoy smiled.  
  
"Okay, Potter, I guess we'll have to give up."  
  
"Er... okay. One bazillion points to..." Harry caught himself. "Hey! Wait a minute! You're just going to leave without giving MY house any points!"  
  
"Not as stupid as we look, are we?" said Malfoy coolly.  
  
"No, I'm not." Said Harry, quickly fixing his glasses so they weren't upside-down.  
  
"ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE US ANY POINTS!?" shouted the Gryffindor one.  
  
"Only if Malfoy does, too!" said Harry.  
  
"Which is basically a no." said Malfoy.  
  
"Yep." Agreed Crabbe.  
  
Malfoy turned to Crabbe, and Goyle, who was standing next to him.  
  
"Don't you two have food to steal?" asked Malfoy.  
  
"Great Scott, YOU'RE RIGHT!" said Goyle with surprising intelligence.  
  
They both ran off.  
  
"Yes?" shouted out Great Scott. "Did someone call me?"  
  
Harry and Malfoy both looked at Great Scott in disbelief.  
  
"Get out of here." Said Malfoy.  
  
Great Scott left.  
  
"Malfoy," said Harry, about to demonstrate another moment of Harry stupidness, "For being mean, 7,000 points from Slytherin- oh, I really shouldn't have done that."  
  
"YOU IDIOT!!!" screamed Malfoy, as the Slytherin hourglass screamed in pain, or whatever hourglasses felt instead of pain.  
  
"THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!!!" screamed the hourglasses. The Gryffindor one jumped on top of the Slytherin one, and they both glowed fro a second.  
  
"What the heck did you do, Potter!?" shouted Malfoy.  
  
"YOU TWO... FOR YOUR AMAZING DISREGARD FOR THE HOGWARTS SYSTEM OF POINTS... MUST BE PUNISHED!!!"  
  
Then, the two hourglasses, now merged into one, grew four metal, robotic arms, two hard, granite legs that somehow, almost magically, were as flexible as real legs, and a lazer-cannon right on top.  
  
"Oh..." said Harry, backing up with Malfoy in perfect sync, "Oh... shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiips are coming into the harbor right now."  
  
Malfoy just slapped himself on the head, very hard.  
  
_____  
  
Review, yo! Remember, only SIX until 100!  
  
* If by 1 million dollars, you mean absolutely nothing. 


	13. The Fight!

Before I start:  
  
THANK YOU, DRAGON RIDER, FOR GIVING ME MY 100TH REVIEW. Now you can print that statement and sell it on eBay, wherever you are. It's (not) worth ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!  
  
Okay, time to start chapter... what is it we're on? Oh, yeah, 13.  
  
Wait... holy carp, THIRTEEN!? (Yes, I did say cARp.)  
  
That means... I don't know.  
  
In Harry Potter is on Fire one, chapter thirteen is where those two idiots, Harry and Ron, almost escaped the staff, but they didn't. Ha! Ha! Ha!  
  
In Harry's Adventure, it was when Ron fell asleep, while waking up.  
  
Harry Potter, all rights reserved, didn't have a thirteenth chapter.  
  
And in this thirteenth chapter: The battle between the freaky human- like hourglass robot-thingy and Harry and Malfoy!  
  
But enough talk! Time for responses!  
  
_____  
  
Dragon Rider: Thanks again. And, the hourglasses don't actually SHOW negative points, but they keep track of them, so if points are given, and they don't exceed zero total points, no stones will fall in the hourglasses. (I just made that up five seconds ago! I'm so smart!)  
  
Feline-Go-Meow: One word: Magic!  
  
Jen*Draca: Yes, that's not the first time Harry has censored a curse word by changing the end to something that makes no sense. See chapter two of the first Harry Potter is on Fire story.  
  
: Thanks. And how did you not put your name in!?  
  
xxGinnyxx: After I'm done writing this, I'm going to your story. Cheers!  
  
Sophiethedevil: For a second, you had me going there... but my underwear is safe in my drawer.  
  
John: You CAN grant me review points. Just review the old-fashioned way.  
  
_____  
  
Disclaimer: YO, son.  
  
_____  
  
"DIEEE!" screamed the single hourglass.  
  
It shot a blast out of its lazer cannon, but luckily, it had terrible aim. It missed Harry and Malfoy entirely.  
  
"Darn this..." breathed Malfoy. "I don't like this one bit..."  
  
Harry took out his wand. "See if you can break the glass of the hourglass with a reductor spell-"  
  
"I don't intend to take orders from you, Potter." Said Malfoy coolly.  
  
"You've got to be kidding." Said Harry in disbelief. "Our LIVES are in danger!"  
  
"I don't give a thought to your life, I'm going to protect MINE!" said Malfoy, taking out his own wand.  
  
"So nice." Mumbled Harry, using a shield charm on himself.  
  
The hourglass, being an hourglass and all, didn't think of attacking and killing the two at the moment. Instead, it just stood around, waiting for the conversation to finish, and then decided to attack Harry, only Harry, mind you, EXACTLY as he put up his shield.  
  
"CURSES! WE MISSED!" shouted the hourglass, who seemed to be surprised that waiting politely for a conversation to finish, and then shooting after giving someone ample time to put up their shields would result in a miss.  
  
"That's right!" shouted Harry. "REDUCTO!"  
  
Harry heard another cry of REDUCTO alongside his, coming from Malfoy.  
  
Both curses hit the hourglasses squarely in the glass part.  
  
And they bounced off.  
  
"SHOOT!" hissed Malfoy. "Potter, your idiot plan didn't work!"  
  
"I thought you wouldn't follow it!" said Harry indignantly.  
  
"That's right, not after it didn't work!"  
  
Resisting the urge to jump over and kiss Malfoy, and also resisting the much, MUCH stronger urge to slap him over the head, Harry turned to the hourglass, who, again, had waited politely for them to finish.  
  
"DIE!" screamed the hourglass again in a very impolite fashion. It swung its metal arms at Harry and Malfoy in turn, but they weren't hitting Harry, because of his shield, and Malfoy, who of course was an expert in Kung Fu, dodged all of the attacks.  
  
As the arms thrashed all over the place, and the lazer cannon started shooting again, Harry was beginning to get nervous. He had tried out every curse, the reductor, the stupefy, the patronous, and, for some reason, the avifors spell, but nothing seemed to be working!  
  
And that's when Harry noticed the big, HUGE off button that was RIGHT in front of him.  
  
He pressed it.  
  
The candles in the Great Hall went out.  
  
"Oh, GREAT!" said Malfoy. "Nice move Potter, you just TURNED OUT all of the lights!"  
  
"Sorry." Said Harry sheepishly. "I thought that it would deactivate the huge hourglass-robot."  
  
"What kind of IDIOT would think that!?" said Malfoy in disbelief, while sitting on the off button for the robot.  
  
The massaging robot, that is, which was massaging Dumbledore's back inside his own office at the moment, stopped working.  
  
"Oh, darn!" said Dumbledore, disappointed. "And I thought I had defied the laws of magic by bringing an electronic device into Hogwarts and making it work!"  
  
Meanwhile, the hourglass robot, who was thrashing crazier by the minute, was nowhere near being turned off or tired out.  
  
"This is useless!" shouted Harry in despair, using every spell he could think of. "How can we beat it!?"  
  
Malfoy was quiet.  
  
"Well!?"  
  
"I think..." said Malfoy slowly, "That I'll have to use my VOICE!!!"  
  
Harry looked at Malfoy in horror.  
  
"Oh no... oh, no, please..."  
  
But Malfoy had already opened his mouth, took in a deep breath, and was ready... to sing!  
  
_____  
  
Review, and we'll se the return of The Voice! 


	14. The Voice Returns!

Yay, 114 reviews.  
  
But I don't intend to stop there! All of YOU... review! Now!  
  
And in the meantime, I'll just respond to the ones I have!  
  
_____  
  
Drangonsile: Well, update in a day, then!  
  
Ash vault rose garden: Yes, moldy shorts CAN make an entrance.  
  
xxGinnyxx: Teehee!? I love that onomatopoeia, even if it isn't one. I know that made no sense.  
  
ASH: Are you ash vault rose garden, or just some guy named Ash? But no one cares. Thanks for the review!  
  
Jen*Draca: YES, the voice!  
  
Blue transparent stapler: I see you aren't attacking me right now. But yes, Harry can be very stupid.  
  
Hihospeghetio: I can assume from your e-mail address that you're a girl. Aren't there ANY boy writers besides me here!? And, if there are, do ANY of them do well, besides me!? But enough of that. Use mallets. It really helps with the computer problem. And I inserted a very disturbing message there.  
  
_____  
  
Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. Now, before I get suspended, I am going to say that I don't.  
  
_____  
  
Harry covered his ears. A second later, he wished he hadn't. He wished he had ripped them off instead.  
  
The ears of corn, that is. He wished he had ripped them off of the cornstalk instead of covering them, and keeping them on the stalk, where they were immediately blown off by the incredible sound of Malfoy's voice.  
  
And as the sound waves pounded into Harry's head, he wished that he had covered his ears. A second later, he wished he hadn't. He wished he had ripped them off instead. Then he would have been spared of the agony... of Malfoy's Voice!  
  
Malfoy started off with an extremely, extremely ludicrous high note, to get the hourglass writhing in agony. Apparently, thought Harry, while writhing in agony just EXACTLY like the hourglass, hourglasses can't take as much as humans.  
  
The disco ball dropped from the ceiling of the Great Hall. Before Harry could wonder how it got there, it started spinning around, flashing in a variety of neon colors, illuminating the whole great hall.  
  
Malfoy broke off of his high note, and for a second, Harry felt merciful silence. But Malfoy started up again a second later.  
  
This time, it was a song.  
  
"OOOOOHHHHHH YYYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH....  
  
"NOW, HERE'S MY SECOND SONG...  
  
"AND I WOULD SING IT ALL NIGHT LONG...  
  
"BUT I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO... LIKE PLAY PING PONG,  
  
"BUT BEFORE I DO, I HAVE TO RECORD THIS SONG...  
  
"DID YOU BUY MY FIRST RECORD, IN KNOCKTURN ALLEY!?  
  
"I SAID KNOCKTURN ALLEY, NOT A VALLEY...  
  
"IT SOLD OUT 100% OF ALL ITS COPIES, WHICH ISN'T FINE...  
  
"BECAUSE I ONLY MADE THREE COPIES, SO THAT'S WHY I WINE...  
  
"I SAY, YO, YO, YOYO, YOYO, YO!  
  
"AND YES, I DO HAVE A YOYO...  
  
"AT HOME..."  
  
"That didn't rhyme!" was Harry's initial thought, but then he realized that this song was having a MAJOR effect on the hourglass thing.  
  
It was shaking violently, and appeared on the verge of bursting.  
  
Bursting!?  
  
"This is bad." Said Harry worriedly.  
  
"I agree!" said Malfoy, spitting out the rubbery Hot Dog with displeasure. "Oh, wait, I hate you. So, I don't agree." Malfoy took another big bite.  
  
Harry looked at Malfoy in amazement, and then shook his head. "No, the hourglass is about to BREAK! And do you know what happens when something that has glass in it breaks, and sends shards of sharp glass pieces all over the room, that ultimately kill you!?"  
  
"Er... you... uh... you explained it pretty nicely already."  
  
"Oh. BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS!"  
  
And with that, the hourglass broke, expelling glass outwards with the force of bullets.  
  
"Oh no..." said Malfoy in horror, somehow getting the words in before the glass even got close. "The only way we can survive now... is if EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF GLASS MISSES US!!!"  
  
"And what's the probability of that happening?" said Harry.  
  
"About one in a million."  
  
"That was a rhetorical question."  
  
"No it wasn't."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"No."  
  
"Now you've got it."  
  
_____  
  
Review! Now! The button is down here!  
  
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	15. The Aftermath

Hmm, 136 reviews.  
  
I'm approaching 200 faster than I thought.  
  
Okay, responses!  
  
_____  
  
Phred doesn't like you: I'm confused. Are you a supporter of me or not? None of your reviews were actually negative, but some aren't truly positive, they're more of neutral-positive. Oh well, since I'm on your favorites list, I'll count you as a supporter. And thanks for reviewing all the chapters of my stories. I finally have 300+ reviews (yes!) for the first one!  
  
Hihospeghetio: What are you talking about, five? If only five people reviewed, I'd have 70 reviews, MAX. I counted, and NO LESS than 22 people have reviewed this story so far, and all of them were positive. And the voice scares you? Oh no, does that mean that... IT'S REAL!? Oh, wait... no.  
  
Spohiethedevil: How did you make that accent-thingy over the e? That's cool.  
  
Blue Transparent Stapler: If you had a profile, you should use that name. And Malfoy's voice is torture... to glass.  
  
: I'm sorry; I can't read INVISIBLE spacebar presses. Now I've got to try that.  
  
Ash: Yugi...? Hmm...  
  
Jen*Draca: What, you want them to die, ending this fic?  
  
xxGinnyxx: He does!?  
  
Drangonsile: What's over there? = (I am)  
  
_____  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own moldy shorts.  
  
_____  
  
And then, all of the glass missed them.  
  
This was because the glass only got propelled forward about two inches.  
  
"Wow..." said Harry, "I thought that... the glass would go farther..."  
  
"You know, the author using 'the force of a bullet' to describe the glass' shattering was very, VERY misleading." Said Malfoy.  
  
"What author?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
And then, that's when Snape came rushing in.  
  
"POTTER! MALFOY!" he screamed, sighting them. "Potter, do you know that you are currently TWENTY MINUTES LATE for potions class!? And Malfoy, do you know that you are currently FORTY MINUTES EARLY for Charms class!?"  
  
"Hey!" said Harry. "Malfoy may be early for charms, but he's late for potions, like me!"  
  
"Half-empty, half-full." Replied Snape with a sneer. "Potter, for your tardiness, twenty points from Gryffindor, and Malfoy, for your... er... on time...ness, twenty points from Gryffindor.  
  
"Wait a minute-" started Harry, but Snape's eyes were on another sight in the room.  
  
"What... WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GRYFFINDOR AND SLYTHERIN HOURGLASSES!?" bellowed Snape.  
  
Both Harry and Malfoy stared at the ground, not speaking.  
  
"Well.... Well... I suppose the HEADMASTER would want to see this..." he motioned to the downed hourglass-robot.  
  
Just then, Dumbledore came in.  
  
"Oh!" said Snape with mock surprise. "Headmaster... it seems that mister Harry Potter has... er... built a huge robot with the Gryffindor and Slytherin hourglasses... (somehow,) and Malfoy here tried to stop him, but failed..."  
  
Harry stared at Snape in disbelief.  
  
"Huh? Oh, yeah, whatever." Said Dumbledore, focusing his attention on a GameBoy Advance. "Well, I'll fix it. Now get them to class."  
  
Snape just stared at Dumbledore in amazement.  
  
"Well... shouldn't... eh... Potter be punished?"  
  
"Yes, he should. Give him detention for one second."  
  
"But-"  
  
"TWO SECONDS! AND THAT'S FINAL!!!" bellowed Dumbledore, not taking his eyes off of his game. "Now get them to class!"  
  
Harry and Malfoy exited, going separate ways, which was strange, as they were going to the same class. But in any case, Harry was relieved. He had killed two hourglasses, and missed half of potions! All in his first day back.  
  
_____  
  
Back in the Great Hall, Snape was staring at Dumbledore with disgust.  
  
"How does that thing work, anyway?" said Snape. "Electronic things don't work around Hogwarts."  
  
And with that, the GameBoy Advance turned off.  
  
"Oh, now you've gone and done it!" said Dumbledore sadly.  
  
_____  
  
Hahaha... review! 


	16. O Captain, My Captain! Bees!

Hahaha! I have reached the 150-review mark! And that means...  
  
Only 50 reviews until 200! Review! Now!  
  
Responses!  
  
_____  
  
Phred doesn't like you: Yes, I do see, Phred.  
  
Ash vault rose garden: You scare me sometimes, you know that? But I bet I do too. Let's not forget the... er... Dumbledore episode in the first story! You know, the Backwards Talking spell chapter?  
  
John: I DID NOT call you Jen! Did you confuse me with Jen*Draca? I want my 50 points. And running jokes that should have died that are still going... well, those are my specialties.  
  
Tianane: Oh shoot, my chapters are cute. I don't really care what adjective you use, as long as it's positive. And what's that about?  
  
xxGinnyxx: Wow, first I learn that Popeye eats spinaCH, and then I learn that casper doesn't smoke!? Mild! And no, I didn't find him. I'm so sad.  
  
Ron's Best Mate: Review ALL of my chapters, now. I sent in a review for one of your stories, so just click on my name, and fire away! Goodnight! And FINALLY, another boy author.  
  
Sophiethedevil: Wow, you really like calling people... er... profane phrases, don't you? And I just tried to get the accent-e, and it wreaked havoc on my computer. But I typed an ® symbol. (I DO NOT KNOW if that symbol will show up right on the site, so I'm just telling you now: That symbol is an "r" with a circle around it.)  
  
Hihospeghetio: I'm so mad that I didn't think of a cool name. But in totally related news, good luck on world domination!  
  
Jen*Draca: Yes, I know.  
  
Person!!!: What's an "evi laugh?" or did you mean EVIL laugh? I FEEL asleep. Anyway, thanks for reviewing!!!  
  
Feline-go-meow: I love it when crazy people write crazy reviews of crazy people's stories. It makes me feel... crazy. Which isn't good for all of the pies of the world?  
  
_____  
  
Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter.*  
  
* This is a lie.  
_____  
  
Harry got to Potions class at the exact same time as Malfoy, and, strangely enough, Snape.  
  
Rapidly sitting up straight, neatening his clothes, and hiding the champagne bottle, Harry looked straight ahead at the board, where Snape quickly took his place at the teacher's seat.  
  
"Now, class..." said Snape very officially, "I want you all to continue working on..." and right there, the bell rang.  
  
"What the... I thought we had at least 30 minutes left!?" shouted Snape at no one in particular, besides Harry.  
  
"I don't know, professor." Said Harry, shrugging. "Maybe we took longer getting here than we thought!" he quickly darted out of the classroom.  
  
"Well, Harry," said Hermione, walking with Harry and Ron down the hall, "Aren't you going to ask us what you missed?"  
  
"No." replied Harry, with Ron stifling a giggle.  
  
"Why not?" asked Hermione, affronted.  
  
"Because..." said Harry, groping for a reason, "Because..."  
  
"You've been made captain of the Quidditch team!" said Ron quickly.  
  
"Yeah!" said Harry, going along with it. "I have."  
  
"Well... be sure to make it up." Said Hermione, splitting from them to go to one of her classes that she didn't take with them.  
  
"Nice save." Said Harry.  
  
"Why, thank you, captain!" said Ron, laughing.  
  
"I'm not a captain."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Gladly." Said Harry, shutting up.  
_____  
  
Later, in the Gryffindor common room, Harry sat doing... nothing, and Hermione came over to him.  
  
"What's up?" asked Harry.  
  
"So... when are you going to have tryouts?" asked Hermione innocently. "Most of the Quidditch team has left."  
  
"Tryout... oh, yeah." Said Harry, remembering Ron's "save."  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Er..." said Harry, wondering how he'd ever get out of this one, "In a week. This time."  
  
"Good." Said Hermione. "I'll see you in a week at the Quidditch Pitch!"  
  
Harry just slapped himself on the head. It was either try to fake his way through this, or do extra potions homework. [Which probably wouldn't be much, but hey, Harry's an idiot!]  
  
"Yeah..." gulped Harry, "I'm putting up flyers, now." Harry quickly scribbled on a piece of paper, "Quidditch Tryouts in One Week," and posted it onto the bulletin board, proving, once and for all, that HE WAS AN IDIOT.  
  
"Okay, just wanted to know." Said Hermione, going back to her work.  
  
Harry exhaled. He was safe for now. But what would happen... later? Or... even later? Or even... (Gasp) TOMORROW?  
_____  
  
One week later, at the Quidditch pitch, Harry proudly flew over all of the people ready to try out, with a shiny captain's button sewn into his Quidditch robes.  
  
"It's kind of funny that you actually became the captain!" said Ron.  
  
"I know." Said Harry. "It's also funny that these people figured out the time without me posting it on the notice."  
  
"I know." Said Ron.  
  
_____  
  
Next chapter: The tryouts!  
  
Review! Only 50 until 200! 


	17. Chaser Tryouts

Ha! Take that, reader who is reading! 165 reviews! Why am I telling you this? I don't know!  
  
Anyway, sorry for not updating in a day. I have STUFF to do! But vacation is almost here.  
  
Er, responses.  
  
_____  
  
Oh boy, 15 reviews! From 14 reviewers! Let's do this thing!  
  
EvilSeamonkey: Yap. Love the name, yo!  
  
Buterr: Thank you.  
  
Phred doesn't like you: By phred, do you mean FRED? And okay, I'm updating.  
  
Person!!!: No, it would just violate story logic if they didn't show up.  
  
John: Okay: The monkey was using a Microsoft Windows XP on Hogwarts grounds. Suddenly, he realized that he couldn't work computers on the grounds. The computer turned off immediately.  
  
Ash vault rose garden: Thank you, as always, for your... interesting reviews.  
  
Magicaltheatre: Yes, I like making fun of the characters! People like it, too! Unless they're JK Rowling.  
  
Hihospeghetio: Oh, no. Evil music teachers! What next!?  
  
Dragon Rider: Me too! ... ... ...!  
  
Feline-go-meow: Of course, you couldn't know this, but that information was imperative for me to know.  
  
Jen*Draca: SO WHAT!? Don't stop reviewing!  
  
Drangonsile: Hehehehehehe......  
  
Ron's Best Mate: I WILL review your chapters, only if you do the same. Okay, time to start!  
  
Hawk: I'm going to read it now.  
  
_____  
  
Disclaimer: I own money! Not really...  
  
"Okay..." said Harry, surveying all of the people flying in front of him, "We need two new beaters, and three new chasers. Those of you trying out for beaters, go there, chasers, go there."  
  
Everybody flew in different directions.  
  
"I really should have specified where to go..."  
  
_____  
  
Soon, the chasers were ready to start trying out. Harry told Ron to get in goal, which he did. After taking five minutes applying grease to get him out, Ron finally took his place hovering in FRONT of the goals.  
  
The first chaser, a girl named Fantasia Johnson, took the Quaffle and started her trek onto the goal. Ron, a seasoned veteran, if you count having ONE good game turning you into a seasoned veteran, moved like a seasoned veteran, very surprisingly. But Fantasia wasn't fazed. She flew hard to the left, FAKED to the left, and backhanded the Quaffle right.  
  
Ron, who wasn't superman, moved like superman, very surprisingly. But the Quaffle still went through his outstretched arms. Goal!  
  
Fantasia pumped her fist in the air, stoked at the fantastic goal. Harry was very impressed.  
  
Next up was another girl named Yvonne Rex. She took the Quaffle, and promptly threw it at Harry's head. Harry ducked just in time; if he hadn't, the Quaffle would have probably taken his head off.  
  
"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?" shouted Harry.  
  
"Yes." Said Yvonne. "I mean, no."  
  
Shaking his head, Harry watched as the next one came up, a boy named Sean Jackson. He took the Quaffle, and just straight out threw it without advancing. It didn't matter. The Quaffle went straight past Ron, to the goals. It missed. It ricocheted off the post and flew halfway down the pitch. The post was dented.  
  
Harry, impressed, looked at Sean. "That's a nice arm you've got there."  
  
"Why, thanks." Said Sean.  
  
Next up was Yvonne Rex. Wait a minute...  
  
After ducking just in time AGAIN, Harry let the next person com up, Iggy Lawson.  
  
Iggy did fine coming up, but his shot was saved not too difficultly by Ron.  
  
Next up was another boy, Gerald Jason. He did well, but his shot got tipped by Ron. However, it still went in.  
  
And last, another girl, Yvonne... wait.  
  
After ducking, the last girl was Rhonda Julius, who made her shot because of a mistake on Ron's part.  
  
"Okay, nice job everybody! All chasers can leave. Now, time for beater tryouts!"  
  
"Why did you say that, Hermione?" asked Harry.  
  
"Oh, I did?" said Hermione, blushing. "I thought you did... but the author didn't specify who said that."  
  
"What're you talking about?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Er... Hermione?" said Harry. "You're talking to yourself. You just said 'What're you talking about?' and then you said, 'nothing.'"  
  
"Darn author." Said Hermione. "He didn't put 'said Harry' after the quotes! He made ME say it!"  
  
"Shut up." Said Ron.  
  
"No." said Yvonne.  
  
Harry ducked just in time.  
  
_____  
  
Review! Next, the beater tryouts! 


	18. Beater Tryouts and The Lineup!

Okay, since I posted the last chapter in the dead of the night, I only got 3 reviews.  
  
Oh well!  
  
This one will be earlier!  
  
_____  
  
Hawk: I read it, and loved it.  
  
Jen*Draca: Yes. Whee!  
  
_____  
  
All of the beater candidates lined up in midair, a few feet off of the ground, alongside the goalposts. Their job was to hit the Bludgers at the stuffed straw target dummies.  
  
Wondering how he would ever get the Bludgers back into their storage cases, Harry released one.  
  
The first candidate was Yvonne...  
  
"Hey!" shouted Harry. "You already tried out for chaser!"  
  
"I know. But I have a right to try out for BEATER!"  
  
Harry immediately ducked, but to his immense surprise, the Bludger DIDN'T come screeching towards him. It hit the dummy squarely in the stomach, HARD.  
  
"Wow..." said Harry. "That... was nice!"  
  
"I know." Said Yvonne, throwing a Quaffle at Harry, who ducked.  
  
Harry told the NEXT beater to try. After chasing the Bludger down, the new candidate hit the Bludger towards the dummy... but not strong enough. At the last second, it regained control of itself, and sped straight towards Harry, for some reason. Harry, using his uber kung-fu skills, was able to dodge it spectacularly. But that didn't stop the Bludger for hitting him in the stomach.  
  
Harry, winded, landed on the pitch. He got up slowly. "Okay..." he mumbled, "Next one..."  
  
The next one was... Crabbe.  
  
"Crabbe..." said Harry, exasperated, "You can't try out for the  
Gryffindor team."  
  
"Oh." Said Crabbe, walking away.  
  
Next up, was... Ginny!  
  
"GINNY!?" shouted Ron. "You can't try out for BEATER!"  
  
"Why not?" asked Ginny, annoyed.  
  
"Because... well... girls aren't beaters..." stammered Ron.  
  
The next thing he knew, he was on the ground, with a lump on his head.  
  
"Sorry, Ron." Said Harry, hiding the metal pole he had in his hand.  
  
Ginny, kind of insulted, now, gripped her beater's club, and chased the still free Bludger down. Finally, all the way at the other end of the pitch, she hit the Bludger. Not just hit it, she really HIT it.  
  
"She's crazy..." breathed Ron. "She can't hope to hit that target from all the way back there..."  
  
He was right, Ginny missed. By 1/1,234,534,657,890,764,136,456,146,457,389,124,638,579,759,486th of an inch.  
  
Not that anyone was measuring.  
  
"Nice... strength..." said Harry, amazed.  
  
The last person to try out missed the target by a mile. Luckily, the Bludger curved into its case, saving Harry the need to chase it down.  
  
"That was lucky." Said Harry.  
  
And that's when the un-tethered Bludger easily flew out of its case.  
  
"Curses!" shouted Harry. "Anyway, the new team list... IS UP!"  
  
"How?" asked someone. "You're right here!"  
  
"Oh." Said Harry. "I guess I'll just tell you. Anyway, at seeker... ME! At keeper, RON! At chasers..."  
  
Everyone held their breath.  
  
"Fantasia, Gerald, and Sean!"  
  
"YES!" they all screamed.  
  
"Weren't all chasers supposed to leave?" asked Hermione, but no one listened.  
  
"And at beaters... Ginny..."  
  
Ron blushed.  
  
"And... *gulp* and... Yvonne."  
  
"YYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!" screamed Yvonne, looking straight at Harry with a very malicious look in her eyes.  
  
_____  
  
Oh, snap! Review.  
  
™ 


	19. Homework Blues

Ok, time for some bad news. I... am going on vacation during the... well... vacation, which starts today! Yeah, the stuff I had to do was pack, so I couldn't update as often as I liked.  
  
Don't worry; the story WILL go on during the vacation. Do you know why!? Because someone else will be writing it.  
  
Yes, I said someone ELSE would be temporarily taking over. For at least two chapters, I have assigned a close friend of mine to update THIS STORY and this story only.  
  
Don't worry, it's not for long.  
  
I trust him, so I don't think he'll be messing around doing stuff that I wouldn't do on my account or anything.  
  
And yes, he has a funny writing style. At least I think so. And what more proof do you need?  
  
Really, I don't want my story to go un-updated for a whole week (or more!) I'm just doing this so the story doesn't sink to the last page of the story lists, where everyone forgets it. And my craziness might be great, but hey, we all need a break to someone else's sometime.  
  
So REVIEW during his very short run, which starts next chapter, and tell me what you think of him!  
  
And keep it nice. He hasn't done this sort of thing before, ya' heard?  
  
But first, MY last chapter before I leave for vacation! _____  
  
Responses:  
  
Evilseamonkey: I thought you would love her. And congrats on the A+'s! I only got all "A's!"  
  
Person!!!: I'll be sure to stay away.  
  
Sophiethedevil: I... understood... that... oh wait, no I didn't. What does it mean?  
  
Phred doesn't like you: I thought so.  
  
John: Darkboy77, of course. Give me points.  
  
Hihospeghetio: How evil!  
  
Magicaltheatre: They're right behind you.  
  
Kairi & Himilayan Yak: You spelled "Himalayan" wrong. And it's great to know that people read this in science class, for some reason.  
  
Ash: I still love your reviews.  
  
Demonslayer: Yes, another one made to laugh!  
  
Tianane: Sorry, your predictions were wrong!  
  
Ron's Best Mate: It was!?  
  
Jen*Draca: Yes, Ron is stupid!  
  
Feline-go-meow: ANOTHER one interested by Yvonne! I created that character in, like, 2 seconds,  
_____  
  
Disclaimer: I own this story. Now. Yo.  
  
_____  
  
When Harry woke up, he realized that he hadn't done his Transfiguration homework.  
  
"Oh well." He thought. "I can easily make it up before transfiguration starts."  
  
Just then, Ron came rushing in.  
  
"Harry, transfiguration starts in 5 minutes!"  
  
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed Harry. "That's impossible! It's only..."  
  
"9:35!"  
  
"How!?" said Harry, astounded. "Look at that window! It's still dark outside!"  
  
Just then, the sun rose faster than Harry ever thought possible.  
  
"No it isn't." said Ron.  
  
"Man..." grumbled Harry, "how will I EVER get out of this one?"  
  
"Don't worry!" reassured Ron. "McGonagall NEVER checks to see if we have the homework! And if she does, you could probably take an old one out, she'd never know!" _____  
  
"Today," said McGonagall, "I am going to check to see that EVERY one of you has your homework. And, in addition to that, I will be making sure that the homework is the CORRECT page, not some old homework!"  
  
"I'm doomed!" moaned Harry.  
  
McGonagall checked everyone's homework one by one, and finally, she came to Harry.  
  
"Maybe I'll get off easy." Thought Harry.  
  
"What was that?" asked McGonagall.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Oh. But in totally unrelated news, I've decided to give ANYONE who doesn't have their homework three months detention!"  
  
Harry slapped himself on the head, very, very, VERY hard.  
  
"Well, Mr. Potter, where is your homework?"  
  
Harry gulped. "I don't have it."  
  
McGonagall frowned. "Why not?"  
  
"Because... I left it... in... my... dormitory?"  
  
"Oh. That's a perfectly plausible explanation."  
  
"Yes!" sighed Harry, relieved.  
  
"Or it would be if I hadn't been watching you since yesterday night, attached to the ceiling over your bed just like Spider-Ma."  
  
"WHAAAT!?" shrieked Harry, more freaked out than worried of his fate.  
  
"You never DID your homework! Now, for not doing your homework and lying about it, I'll give you... THREE MONTHS... DETENTIONNNNNN!!!!"  
  
"No..." breathed Harry, "Please don't..."  
  
"Okay." Said McGonagall. "You're off detention."  
  
Harry, now thoroughly confused, wondered what he had done to deserve such luck. Just then, the bell rang.  
  
"Oh? Class is over already?" said McGonagall out loud. "But it just started! Oh well, off you go!"  
  
"I... am... so... LUCKY." Said Harry as he walked with Ron and Hermione to their next class.  
  
"Well, your luck's about to run out!" said Ron.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because... we have potions next period..."  
  
"Oh no..."  
  
"Don't tell me..." said Hermione slowly, "That you forgot... TO DO YOUR POTIONS HOMEWORK TOO!?"  
  
"Okay, I won't tell you." said Harry. Right after telling her, of course.  
  
"Well, no worries." Said Ron. "The worst Snape can do is take a gazillion points from our house."  
  
"Or is it?"  
  
"Get out of here, Seamus." Said Harry fiercely.  
  
_____  
  
Hahaha! Well, I'm off for vacation. Sorry for taking long to update. And treat the new writer (he starts next chapter) like you'd treat me! This means review! And be nice! He's my friend, remember? And I'll be back soon!  
  
Now I'm off to see the wizard. Peace! _ 


	20. How Will We Get Out of This?

Yo! This is the stand-in for Darkboy77, here! I'm supposed to write chapters for his story while he's on vacation, so, here goes!  
  
Oh yeah, and this is my first time posting Fanfiction. So be kind!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
_____  
  
Harry walked into the potions room, surprised.  
  
There was a substitute at the front of the room.  
  
"Yes!" hissed Harry.  
  
"Why so happy, Potter?" asked Snape, who was standing right next to the so-assumed "substitute."  
  
"Because... uh..." Harry was now confused.  
  
"You can go now." Said Snape to the substitute.  
  
"Yes! Oops! Um... er... no." said the sub, walking out of the classroom.  
  
"What was that for?" wondered Harry indignantly.  
  
"I don't know." Said Ron.  
  
"And why are you answering?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
_____  
  
"Today..." said Snape, "We will learn about..."  
  
And then, the chicken flew straight into his mouth.  
  
"PFFBT!" spat Snape, spitting the chicken out. "OKAY, THAT WAS JUST WRONG! THAT WAS SO WRONG! WHO DID THAT!? WHO BROUGHT A CHICKEN INTO THE CLASSROOM!?"  
  
Snape couldn't get his answer immediately, as the whole class was on the floor in hysterical laughter.  
  
"Fine!" said Snape firmly. "I guess I'll just skip to checking the homework for NO APPARENT REASON AT ALL!"  
  
That's when Harry, Neville, Crabbe, and Goyle stopped laughing.  
  
Neville stopped laughing because the chicken was now attacking him.  
  
Crabbe stopped laughing because the desk had given way underneath his incredible weight (again.)  
  
Goyle stopped laughing because he didn't find anything funny anymore.  
  
And you all know why Harry stopped laughing. Because the cookies had hit the fan, of course.  
  
"Poor cookies..." sniffed Harry, picking up their shredded pieces. "BLOODY FAN!" swore Harry, unplugging the fan with a certain fury in his eyes.  
  
"Anyway, I think I'll start with... POTTER!"  
  
And then, Harry realized that he hadn't done his homework.  
  
"Well, Potter?" asked Snape with a smirk. "WHERE'S THE HOMEWORK!?"  
  
"Er... what was it again?"  
  
"REMEMBER!? A 1-word essay on anything potion related!"  
  
Harry had to do a double-take. ONE WORD!? This would be a breeze to do late...  
  
If Snape wasn't standing in front of him, that is.  
  
"Well!? TAKE OUT THE HOMEWORK! NOW!" whispered Snape in a very, very loud voice.  
  
"O...kay..." said Harry slowly, reaching for his bag. How was he EVER going to get out of this!?  
  
_____  
  
Well, you won't have long to wait to find out! See ya' next chapter! And review to tell me what you think of my writing style! This is DB77's substitute! For at least one more chapter, too! 


	21. Detentions

Oh... oh my! You reviewed! And you liked it! Thanks SO much! I couldn't imagine being Darkboy77 and getting these reviews EVERY day... and having 200+ total... I would probably faint.  
  
Well, it seems that I'm going to be here for more than two chapters, so hang tight, and get used to me for a few days.  
  
And I've decided on a name. It was given to me by Evilseamonkey. It's... DARKBOY76! Huh!? Great, huh!? You can call me that if you like.  
  
Anyway, the next chapter!  
  
_____  
  
Harry put his hand into his bag and gulped. He felt around for his quill. He would have to do this quick...  
  
"Well?" breathed Snape.  
  
"Er... I'm getting it!"  
  
He felt for his quill, and grabbed it. Quickly yanking out a piece of parchment, he whipped around and tried to discreetly write down his one- word essay.  
  
"What are you doing, Potter!?" yelled Snape.  
  
But Harry didn't answer. He was frozen in horror.  
  
He had writer's block. HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ONE WORD TO WRITE.  
  
"Potter..." grumbled Snape. Furiously, he ripped the parchment out of Harry's hands.  
  
Harry had only gotten down one thing on the paper: /  
  
This, basically, was a stray mark.  
  
"HA!" shouted Snape. "That line can't count as a word!"  
  
"Er... yes it can?"  
  
"WHAT WORD, POTTER!? WHAT WORD!?"  
  
"Er..." Harry racked his brain. "Oh, great! I have no Idea In the entIre world what I can ever do now! I!"  
  
"Wait a second..." said Harry out loud. "I!"  
  
Snape frowned. "And... er... what does the word 'I' have to do with potions?"  
  
"Well... er... potions has an "I" in it!"  
  
"Curses!" spat Snape. "He's right!"  
  
"Ha! I pass!"  
  
"Yes, you do. But I'm going to give you detention anyway."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes." Snape smiled evilly and walked out of the classroom, leaving everyone in shock.  
  
Not just because of the unfair detention, but also because class wasn't even halfway over.  
  
_____  
  
Harry returned that afternoon for his detention. The few-second detention he had received on the first day of school.  
  
Strangely enough, it was with Snape.  
  
"Okay, Potter, you're done."  
  
"Good." Sighed Harry.  
  
"Now I'll expect you for your hour detention... right now!"  
  
"Curses!" spat Harry.  
  
"Cursing! That's ANOTHER night tomorrow!"  
  
"What-"  
  
"More cursing! ANOTHER night!"  
  
"'What' isn't a curse! Neither is 'curses'!"  
  
"TWO curses! Two nights!"  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"Another curse! Another night!"  
  
"This is unfair-"  
  
"ANOTHER night! Calling me unfair!"  
  
"But I didn't mean YOU-"  
  
"Lying! Another night!"  
  
"I didn't lie-"  
  
"Lying about lying! Another night!"  
  
"But I didn't-"  
  
"MORE lies! Another night!"  
  
"What!? I didn't-"  
  
"Cursing! That's another night, Potter. I suggest you shut up."  
  
Of course, it took Harry receiving ten more nights of detention to shut up.  
  
_____  
  
"That... little..." grumbled Harry.  
  
"Don't worry." Said Hermione.  
  
"WHY NOT!?"  
  
"I have an idea... to get you out of detention!" she said triumphantly.  
  
"I've got to hear this." Said Ron, jumping in. THE GREAT HERMIONE, a model for the law. Actually trying to... SIDESTEP punishment!?"  
  
"Shut up." Said Hermione simply. "Snape's a git, and that's all there is to it."  
  
"Well," said Harry hopefully, "what's the plan?"  
  
"Well..." said Hermione slowly, "This is crazy, and it only has a one percent chance of working..."  
  
"SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME IT!?" shouted Harry.  
  
"Because... it's your only shot!"  
  
Harry gulped and listened, the Backwards Talking incident still in his mind.  
  
_____  
  
Ha! I've decided to give Hermione a new plan! I hope it's funny as that legendary one Darkboy77 wrote! Until then... see ya'! 


	22. Mind Tricks

Heeheehee! Darkboy76 here, with another chapter a few hours after the last one!  
  
Thanks for the reviews... er, review! I didn't know the chapter was even up yet!  
  
_____  
  
"This is a dumb plan." Mumbled Harry. "This is a very dumb plan."  
  
He arrived at Snape's office for his second (and hopefully last) detention.  
  
He knocked.  
  
"Ow!" he grunted. He had been knocking on his chest, for some reason.  
  
"Come in!" came Snape's voice.  
  
"I wonder how he heard me knock." Wondered Harry aloud.  
  
"I didn't. MY DOOR IS OPEN!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
_____  
  
Harry gulped. Either this would work, or it wouldn't. He sat down on the chair in front of Snape's desk.  
  
"Now... Potter... tonight, you will polish all of my furnishings..."  
  
"No." said Harry.  
  
"WHAT!?" shouted Snape.  
  
"You will NOT make me polish anything."  
  
"I won't?"  
  
Harry's heart jumped. It was working!  
  
"You will leave me be, and let me return to my Dorm."  
  
"I- I will!? What is this-?"  
  
"You will take back ALL of my other detentions!"  
  
"What!? What makes you think I'd do that!?"  
  
Harry's heart stopped. It was working so well- until the last statement-  
  
"How did the Jedi-Mind-Trick fail!?" whispered Harry. Unfortunately, what Harry thought was whispering was actually talking aloud in a normal voice.  
  
"J-Jedi- OH! I know!" surprisingly, Snape laughed. "Ha! Hahaha! You're an IDIOT, Potter, has anyone informed you of this?"  
  
"But- it was working-,"  
  
"POTTER! When you made the statements, did ANY of my responses give you the impression that your... trick... was WORKING!?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Now Snape just looked at Harry in amazement.  
  
"You... idiot."  
  
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" shouted Harry, losing his temper.  
  
"Oh? Well, I think I should call anyone that, especially if the boy forgot that I'M THE ONE who TRAINED them to fight AGAINST penetration of the mind from outside forces!"  
  
Harry slapped himself on the head really, really, really, REALLY hard.  
  
"Potter... you've just earned yourself a MONTH'S worth of detentions."  
  
And that's when Harry took out the 59-cent plastic, cheap, and extremely breakable novelty toy hypno-ring, and successfully hypnotized Snape into lifting all of his detentions and forgetting the whole incident.  
  
_____  
  
So, Harry escaped his detention after all! Now review! I can understand why Darkboy77 spends all of his time writing for this site... you can get high on reviews, literally! And it feels great!  
  
This is Darkboy76, signing off! 


	23. The Kiss 2

Oh my! More reviews! Yipee!  
  
Anyway, the REAL Darkboy will be taking back over his duties tomorrow, as he allegedly found a... computer somewhere on vacation, so this is my last chapter.  
  
It's been fun writing, and I think that I may get a profile for myself! Someday...  
  
But enough talk, the chapter begins!  
  
_____  
  
"Why are we in the head boy/girl's office?" wondered Harry aloud to Hermione.  
  
"Because..." responded Hermione, "We have to do... stuff."  
  
"Like?"  
  
"I don't know..." said Hermione thoughtfully. "I think we have to make rules."  
  
"No we don't."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So... why are we here?" asked Harry again.  
  
"Well, Dumbledore told us to stay here for one hour."  
  
"Why on Earth would he do that?"  
  
"I don't... know..." said Hermione again.  
  
Suddenly, Harry knew it.  
  
"THAT LITTLE... OKAY, NOT REALLY LITTLE, BUT BIG...!"  
  
"Big what?"  
  
"Big... guy who has a sick mind! Oh, that was bad. Okay, I need a bigger vocabulary."  
  
"I don't know what's going on here." Said Hermione.  
  
"Dumbledore PURPOSELY put us in this room for one hour with nothing to do!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because... what usually happens when two people who have been friends for a long time and are of opposite genders are put in a room with nothing to do for an hour!?"  
  
"I don't know... they... oh, I see what you're saying." Said Hermione, finally getting it.  
  
"EXACTLY!" shouted Harry triumphantly. "They fight each other to the brutal and vicious death!"  
  
Hermione slapped herself on the head very, very hard.  
  
"NO!" she shouted. "THEY KISS!"  
  
Harry froze.  
  
"Well..." said Hermione, embarrassed, and finally realizing what she had said, "Don't they?"  
  
"Yes." Harry said quietly, blushing red.  
  
"But... we're not going to, are we...?" asked Hermione, growing scarlet.  
  
"Nope." Said Harry, growing so scarlet that it was scary.  
  
_____  
  
Ten minutes later, they kissed.  
  
"They" being Neville and Ginny, of course. And they were right outside of the Heads' office, too.  
  
Harry and Hermione were just coming out, finally bored out of their minds.  
  
And that's when they saw Neville and Ginny.  
  
"GINNY!?" screamed Hermione.  
  
"NEVILLE!?" screamed Harry.  
  
Ginny and Neville broke out of their kiss and looked up at the two people staring at them with utter shock plainly shown on their faces.  
  
"Er... we can explain..." said Neville in an uncharacteristically not- evil voice.  
  
"Well..." whispered Harry, who was whispering because he could hardly breathe, "explain..."  
  
"Er..." started Ginny, "We weren't kissing... Neville had almost drowned..."  
  
"Yeah, that's it!" said Neville. The mouth-to-mouth resuscitation excuse ALWAYS worked.  
  
"And..." continued Ginny, "I gave him an extremely passionate kiss to revive him?"  
  
Neville slapped himself on the head very, very, VERY hard.  
  
"Okay..." whispered Hermione, who could also barely breathe, "then why did you drag him ALL THE WAY from the lake, which is the ONLY place he could have drowned, and bring him here?  
  
"Because..." stammered Ginny, "We didn't want any of the teachers to see us?"  
  
"And why would that matter if Neville was drowning?"  
  
"Drowning? He wasn't drowning; he was h... oh, yeah." Said Ginny, catching herself too late.  
  
[Don't attempt to understand what she was about to say! For the sake of the fic's rating!]  
  
Harry couldn't take this anymore, and fainted. Hermione just said,  
  
"Just... get back to the dormitory!"  
  
Neville and Ginny went, and Hermione tried not to think what would happen in the dormitory.  
  
Just then, Dumbledore came up out of nowhere.  
  
"Didn't I tell you two to stay in that room for an hour?"  
  
"No." said Hermione, stepping in front of Harry's unconscious body.  
  
"Oh." Dumbledore said. He then took out a boom box, and started grooving to it.  
  
"How is that thing even on?" asked Hermione. "Electronic things don't work around Hogwarts."  
  
Suddenly, the boom box fizzled and turned off.  
  
"Oh, now you've gone and done it." Said Dumbledore sadly.  
  
_____  
  
Yay! That's my last chapter of this (soon to be) classic fic! I'm so glad to be able to contribute! (And also make another version of a standing joke! You know, the electronic things bit?)  
  
And I'm so glad that you like me! If I ever get a profile, it'll be Darkboy 76 (or some other number, if that one is taken!) Thanks for all the reviews! See ya'! I now hand the torch back to the master... Darkboy77! 


	24. Who's Yo Daddy?

DID YA' MISS ME!? Yes, Darkboy77 is back in business! I'm glad you liked 76's short run on the story. When I read his chapters, I was laughing out loud. But it's time for me to take control now!  
  
I am currently still on vacation, though. But that means I have more time to WRITE!  
  
Anyway, there are WAY too many reviews (4 chapters worth) to respond to, so I'll start responses again NEXT chapter. SO REVIEW!  
  
Now, time for the show. Tee hee!  
  
Disclaimer: The Potter is not mine!  
  
_____  
  
"Okay." Said Harry. "The first match of the season is three weeks from now, so we have to start practicing. I, as your captain, will-"  
  
"Er, excuse me?" interjected Ginny.  
  
"Yes, Ginny?" said Harry.  
  
"How are you even captaining? I thought only Keepers and Chasers could be captain on this team. Remember? Gryffindor policy? Chapter seven, Harry Potter is on Fire one?"  
  
"Uh... I don't know." Said Harry. "But I think it has something to do with a negligent author forgetting his own writing!"  
  
"I'd doubt it." Said Seamus, who was sitting on the bench next to Harry.  
  
"No one likes you, Seamus." Said Harry to Seamus.  
  
"Oh." Said Seamus sadly. He left.  
  
"Anyway," continued Harry, "As captain, I'll post practices... WITH the time on the board."  
  
"Uh... what about the location?" asked Sean.  
  
"Sean..." said Harry slowly, "Since this is your first year on the team, I won't look at that statement as PURE STUPIDITY!"  
  
"Uh... thanks?"  
  
"Sean..." said Fantasia slowly, "There is only ONE Quidditch Pitch at Hogwarts!"  
  
"Yes there is. I went there once. To try out for the team. You know, the Gryffindor team? Harry said that we would ALWAYS practice there. So, where are we practicing?"  
  
"I give up." Said Harry. "Anyway, let's... START!"  
  
The whole team flew out to the middle of the pitch.  
  
"First," shouted Harry, "we have to warm up!" he brought a Quaffle out, and told everyone to hover in a circle. "Pass it around!" he shouted. He passed it to Ron, who hit it to Gerald, who tossed it to Yvonne, who hurled it at Harry's head...  
  
After ducking just in time, Harry stared at Yvonne menacingly.  
  
"WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?" he shouted.  
  
Yvonne frowned. "You..." she said, biting back tears, "YOU KILLED MY FATHER!"  
  
"No..." said Harry before he could stop himself at all, "I... AM... your father..."  
  
The whole team stared at Harry.  
  
Then, Yvonne spoke.  
  
"DADDY!" she shrieked, flying into Harry's arms.  
  
"No-," started Harry, but Yvonne was holding him tight.  
  
"Awwwww..." cooed the rest of the team, and the spontaneous spectators.  
  
"So... does this mean... you won't try to kill me?" gasped Harry, still quaking under the immense pressure his abdomen was in.  
  
"No..." said Yvonne (very emotionally, of course). "I always hated my father... I wanted to kill him... so, guess what... I want to kill you..."  
  
Harry just barely avoided a bruise as Yvonne swung her beater's club at him.  
  
"Great..." breathed Harry. "Now, not only do I have a crazy teammate trying to kill me, I'm also a father..."  
  
_____  
  
Harry came back from Quidditch practice bruised up rather badly. Now, it seemed, Yvonne wasn't over beating Bludgers at him as well as throwing Quaffles. And beaters clubs, too.  
  
"So, what's up?" asked Hermione immediately as Harry came through the portrait hole. She was doing her homework, and Colin was adjusting his camera.  
  
"What's up?" responded Harry wearily. "I'm a father..."  
  
Hermione's eyes grew wide, and she gasped. Ron, who was just coming down, and had beaten Harry to the common room, and had gone mysteriously deaf during the whole "father" incident, and who had just heard, fainted.  
  
"No... It's not like THAT..."  
  
But Colin had already taken many pictures.  
  
"This can't get worse..." mumbled Harry.  
  
"Yes!" shrieked Colin. "I've taken my first pictures with my SOUND camera! It can record sound for up to 10 seconds of the event!"  
  
Harry looked at Colin in horror.  
  
"Give me that camera..." he said, very menacingly.  
  
"Okay." Said Colin, tossing Harry the camera.  
  
"Yes!" shouted Harry, lifting his fist up to destroy the camera.  
  
Just then, Colin snatched the camera back, and kicked Harry in the groin.  
  
"Ow..." grumbled Harry, on the floor in pain. "What's going to happen NOW!?"  
  
_____  
  
What will? Review and find out! Again! Ah, it's great to be back!  
  
***  
  
"CUT!" screamed the director.  
  
Harry got up off of the ground, and took off his mask, revealing the serious face and wooden teeth of... George Washington.  
  
"Man..." grumbled George, "Lincoln, you didn't have to hit me so hard!"  
  
Colin set down his camera, and took of his mask, revealing the face of... Abraham Lincoln.  
  
"Sorry, George. It's just that- HEY! Is that camera still on!?"  
  
Abraham and George then proceeded to chase the camera man out of the Hogwarts set and force him to edit out the whole thing. But somehow, the camera man didn't, and posted it after chapter 24, as an extra labeled-  
  
HARRY POTTER IS ON FIRE: BEHIND THE SCENES! 


	25. Great Confusion!

Yeah, 261 reviews, I'm doing fine!  
  
Oh, and if you didn't know yet, I've posted another story.  
  
That's romance.  
  
...  
  
/humor.  
  
Crowd: Ohhhhh!  
  
Yeah, it's mainly romance, but it has some of the good ol' Dark(boy) humor! (Albeit much less of it per chapter!) If ANY of you readers like romance as well as humor, check it out by clicking on my pen name.  
  
Now. Or at least until after you've read and reviewed this story! Ha ha ha... ow.  
  
But enough of this cheap advertising! Let's go to work!  
  
To the left!  
  
Move back now, y'all!  
  
Right foot left stomp!  
  
Left foot left stomp!  
  
Cha-cha real smooth now!  
  
Charlie Brown! (Could someone tell me what that dance-step is? Or if it's even pronounced that way!? I feel embarrassed whenever I grove to that beat because I don't know what a Charlie brown is.)  
  
Disclaimer: How low can you go?  
  
_____  
  
HARRY POTTER: A FATHER!?  
  
This was the headline of the Daily Prophet the next morning.  
  
"What!?" screamed Harry. "How'd THIS make headline news!?"  
  
"Because it's a small newspaper." Responded Hermione coolly.  
  
"You're telling me that the DAILY PROPHET is small?"  
  
"No, but the Daily Crotchet is. And THAT'S the newspaper you're looking at. The Prophet has some Ministry scandal as headline news."  
  
"Oh." Said Harry, crumbling up and tossing the Crotchet aside. "At least no one will read it, or listen to Colin's sound-camera pictures."  
  
That would have been true, if Harry had not been idiot enough to throw it into the hands of Draco Malfoy, who caught it with surprise.  
  
"What's this!?" he read, loud enough for the whole SCHOOL to hear, which was amazing. "HARRY POTTER... A FATHER!?"  
  
The whole entire school quieted, and then turned to Malfoy.  
  
"LISTEN TO THIS!" Malfoy screamed, holding the paper up high. It was Harry's voice in the picture, repeating "I'm a father..." over and over again.  
  
Then EVERYONE IN THE SCHOOL turned to Harry, including his Quidditch players.  
  
"No!" Harry got out. "I- I'm not! Ask Yvonne!"  
  
The whole school turned in synchronism to Yvonne.  
  
"B-but Harry..." she said meekly, "You said it yourself..."  
  
The whole Quidditch team nodded.  
  
Harry was just in amazement at how stupid the school could be.  
  
"LOOK AT ME!" screamed Harry. "I'M NEARLY YVONNE'S AGE!"  
  
"But..." said one person, "How do we KNOW that?"  
  
Harry wanted to strangle him.  
  
"CAN YOU SEE!? YOU SEE I'M NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BE ANYONE'S FATHER!"  
  
"AHA!" screamed a girl. "You lie! A one-year-old could be your daughter!"  
  
"Well, yeah, but Yvonne's-,"  
  
"So," continued a girl, "You lied about your age! And you admitted you were wrong yourself!"  
  
"What!? I was just using an express-"  
  
"EXPRESS MAIL!?" screamed Goyle. "Where does that come in!?"  
  
Thankfully, no one listened.  
  
"I say... we use a DNA test!" shouted Professor McGonagall.  
  
Harry stared at McGonagall in horror.  
  
"Y-you're a teacher!" he stammered.  
  
"Oh, yes." She said embarrassedly. "Silly me..." she then sat down and went on pretending not to listen, like the other teachers.  
  
"Yes, good idea!" screamed the rest of the school, although many screamed, "What's that?"  
  
"Okay!" shouted Dumbledore, bringing out the electronic DNA testing kit, guaranteed to tell if someone was your father or not in 10 seconds!  
  
"Yes." Said Harry. "Finally, an end to all of this madness.  
  
But then, Dumbledore realized something.  
  
"Oh, silly me!" he said. "Electronic things don't work around Hogwarts!" immediately, the DNA testing kit turned off. "Now I've gone and done it!" he said, very amused, to Harry's sickness.  
  
"Now what?" Harry asked no one. But No One didn't have an answer. He never did.  
  
And then, Hermione stood up, and got the school's attention.  
  
_____  
  
Oh no, what will Hermione's plan be!? Review! And then review my new story, "And Sparks Shall Fly", and then... I don't know, go get something to eat. 


	26. Resolutions or not

Heeheehee, I'm back!  
  
From vacation, that is! Now I can use my old computer to do stuff! Like write this story!  
  
Responses!  
  
Phred: Thank you!  
  
Dragon Rider: They ARE!? Throwing eggs!? Dude, I'm, for some inexplicable reason, envious. Anyway... the story sounds interesting, if kind of cheesy... but interesting!  
  
Feline-go-meow: Why, thank you!  
  
Ash vault rose garden: What was censored? Hmm...  
  
: No, I don't.  
  
Ron's Best Mate: Are you happy now!? I've credited you in my bio. Good.  
  
_____  
  
Disclaimer: Guess who's back? (Has anyone noticed I rarely put ACTUAL DISCLAIMERS in the disclaimer? Oh well,)  
  
_____  
  
"Harry..." Hermione explained patiently, "Cannot be Yvonne's father."  
  
"WHY NOT!?" shouted Professor Flitwick, who then sat back down, embarrassed, and pretended not to listen again.  
  
"Because..." she said patiently, "Yvonne is fifteen, and Harry is seventeen. Harry would have had to conceive Yvonne when he was one or two! And by this diagram-,"  
  
"EEEWWW!" shouted the whole school, shielding their eyes from the diagram.  
  
"What?" said Hermione. "It's just a piece of paper with the word "diagram" on it.  
  
The whole school looked at the diagram in relief.  
  
"By this diagram, we see that Harry conceiving ANY babies at the age of one or two is impossible."  
  
"But... how?" asked Harry. "It's just some paper with the word diagram on-,"  
  
"HARRY!" hissed Hermione. "Go along with it! They believe me!"  
  
"But still... how?"  
  
"Harry, have you ever heard of... WORD PICTURE association!?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, if people have pictures they can look at while listening to the words, however meaningless the pictures may be, they'll still understand the words!"  
  
"You know," said Malfoy, standing up, "We can hear every word you're saying?"  
  
"Their brain," continued Hermione, ignoring him, "tricks them into thinking the pictures help, while the WORDS actually help!"  
  
"Wow." Said Harry in amazement. "Brains are so evil."  
  
"Yes they are." Agreed Hermione, while silently winning a subconscious fight against her own brain to control her own mind.  
  
"ANYWAY," continued Hermione loudly, "Now you know."  
  
The whole school just gasped in awe at Hermione's ability to make them understand what they hadn't been able to.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWW!" gasped the crowd.  
  
_____  
  
Cleverly hidden behind a chair, a reporter for the Daily Crotchet was secretly watching the whole commotion.  
  
"Curses!" cursed the reporter. "I hoped that story would sell more papers, but now that it's a fake, NO ONE will buy them!"  
  
"Don't worry." Said another reporter, cleverly hidden in plain sight. "No one buys them anyway."  
  
"SHUT UP!" hissed a third reporter, cleverly hidden behind Hagrid's back. "I have another plan... a plan that will... ahem... MAKE everyone buy the Crotchet! Or my name isn't... FRESH WATE®!"  
  
"Your name's fresh wate-registered trademark!?" exclaimed the first reporter, but he was ignored.  
  
_____  
  
MORE plans to be set into action!? Oh no! The plot thickens... to about four inches... next chapter! 


	27. The Great Plan!

Hey, only 12 more reviews until 300!  
  
Help me by reviewing all of my chapters! Well... if you want to, that is.  
  
See, I'm never one to force people to review (Review! Now!).  
  
Disclaimer: I own him.  
  
But who?  
  
_____  
  
Responses!  
  
Phred: Two boys in a catfight? Wow. And I read your bio, and... you sound much more girlish there. Just sayin'! A name like Phred can be misleading...  
  
Magicaltheatre: Hope you like the billions of issues that'll pile up over time! You'll see why in this chapter.  
  
John: Blindly? No, that's a word. And did you ever review a Spongebob story? I saw a John in one of the reviews for one.  
  
EvilSeaMonkey: Thanks!  
  
Ash: Yes! Another insane review!  
  
Gwenevere: What, did you change names from Hihospeghetio to this? And I found your sanity. It's  
  
Feline-Go-Meow: Don't go dissin' diagrams, yo. Word.  
  
Dragon Rider: Hold Ctrl, Alt, and press "R". Viola! ®!  
  
: YAY!  
  
SophietheDevil: Thank you.  
  
_____  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione were all walking to Charms, when they realized that there was some sort of line at the charms corridor.  
  
"What's this all about?" wondered Harry aloud.  
  
The trio skipped to the front of the line, much to the displeasure of many students. And then they found out what all the commotion was about.  
  
"The Daily Crotchet!?" shouted Harry, looking at the huge sign that blocked most of the corridor. The other part was occupied by a table set up to take orders.  
  
"You mean we have to BUY an issue to pass!?" shouted Dean Thomas at Fresh Wate®.  
  
"Yep." Responded Fresh. "One sickle each!"  
  
Dean grunted, and paid Wate® a sickle. He tried to proceed to Charms, but, a second later, he came face-to-face with 98º, the second Crotchet reporter.  
  
"The newest issue's on sale!" said 98º. "One sickle!"  
  
"WHAT!? I JUST BOUGHT AN ISSUE! HOW FREQUENTLY DOES THIS THING COME OUT!?"  
  
98º smiled. "Tri-secondly."  
  
Dean gasped.  
  
"Wow, Tri-secondly! Unreal!" said Ron in awe.  
  
"Yeah, I know." Said Harry and Hermione at the same time.  
  
"That's like... so long to wait!" finished Ron.  
  
Harry and Hermione looked at each other, and then they BOTH smacked Ron on the head very, very hard.  
  
"Man, we've got to stop this!" said Harry, examining the booth from afar. People who had no money were forced to miss class, while people WITH money were stopped every time a new issue came out, which was once every 0.33 seconds.  
  
"Why are you looking so surprised to see this?" asked Hermione. "I mean, we already had to pay 52 sickles just coming down here."  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
_____  
  
The last reporter, ™y, was scoping the scene for any possible buyers. Suddenly, he saw three kids with thick, burly mustaches walk by him. Quickly chasing after them, he implored them to buy.  
  
They did, with no regrets.  
  
For they were Harrry Pottter, Ron Weasel-ey, and Her Hiney Granger.  
  
_____  
  
Meanwhile, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger were in a secret passage way below Hogwarts. Hermione had a laptop, and Harry and Ron were organizing things.  
  
"This is it..." breathed Hermione, typing fast. "We'll stop this Daily Crotchet thing for sure now..."  
  
"Hey, wait a minute, if electronic things don't work around Hogwarts, then how..."  
  
"Before you go any further, Ron," said Hermione exasperatedly, "This is UNDER Hogwarts, not in it." The laptop, whose screen had started to fizzle, returned its screen back to normal, and stayed on.  
  
"But..." said Ron again, "You said AROUND Hogwarts, and we're around it..."  
  
The screen started to fizzle.  
  
"Er..." said Hermione, searching for an answer.  
  
"GOODBYE." said the laptop.  
  
"NO, WAIT!" Hermione screamed. "We're not around Hogwarts!"  
  
The laptop stayed on.  
  
"Yes we-," but Harry covered his mouth.  
  
"Don't say it, Ron." He said. "Don't say it, and it'll stay on.  
  
"Oh. Okay." Said Ron, understanding.  
  
And, with no more interruptions, Hermione continued the work that was sure to foil the evil reporters' plan. But still, only one question remained.  
  
"How did the laptop get the chance to say 'goodbye' if its power wasn't turned off manually, but cut off?"  
  
"Shut up, Harry." Said Ron and Hermione.  
  
"No."  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
_____  
  
Oh no. More of Hermione's plans? Goodie! Review, and I may be urged to write another chapter today! 


	28. What?

No, I'm not dead.  
I was just... ahem, locked out of my account, and I don't know why.  
  
No, really. I don't.  
  
So I couldn't post... until NOW!  
  
Anyway, 5 more reviews until 300. I've never gotten 300 for a story that's actually been running, so I'm excited, of course!  
  
Time for responses.  
  
Tianane: Yes, but no one else but us will know that, right  
  
john: What? Oh well.  
  
Ash: Yes, somehow, electric things work if they don't realize that they  
can't.  
  
Phred: Then why did you put it in your review? Meow.  
  
Gwenevere: Ah, yes. Harry Bladder. That was classic, it was.  
  
Evilseamonkey: Muwahahaha.  
  
Feline-go-meow: Well, if the watch isn't digital, it should work, as they run on gears. But what powers the gears? Hmm...  
  
Sophiethedevil: I reviewed. Put down your hammer and saw.  
  
Dragon Rider: ™®™®™®™®™®!©©©©©©©!  
  
Penelope Richard: Why, thanks for the praise!  
  
DarkWitch88: No, they won't throw you off, unless you admit you're not supposed to read it.  
  
Too late...  
  
No, really, they won't. Unless they read this stories' reviews word by word, which they won't.  
  
I'm not really supposed to write it, either, but... oh wait, too much information disclosed!  
  
Hawk: Yes, I'm excited too.  
  
_____  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione all rushed down to the Great Hall for breakfast. But the reason wasn't because they were hungry; no, in fact, they had stuffed their faces with exactly 67 eggs, 46 pieces of bacon, and 992 teeth.  
  
Not that those figures are important, mind you.  
  
The reason was because they were excited to set Hermione's plan... INTO ACTION!  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione all set down the huge sacks that they were carrying, and went to work unloading the contents. And the contents were, of course, NEWSPAPERS!  
  
Actually, more of really, really, REALLY short News magazines, only four pages long, including the front cover, inside front cover, inside back cover, and back cover.  
  
Hey, that recycled paper costs a lot.  
  
It does.  
  
A few of the people in the Great Hall turned to watch the three with interest. Then, Harry called for Hedwig.  
  
"Here, Hedwig! Over here!"  
  
"Harry, you idiot." Said Ron. "Hedwig's in the Owlery, he can't hear..."  
  
Just then, Hedwig came swooping down.  
  
Ron just shook his head. "I won't ask."  
  
Hedwig, now very stiff and crotchety from young age, hooted indignantly at Harry for making him come down from the Owlery.  
  
"Don't you look at me that way!" said Harry to Hedwig with such seriousness that Hermione and Ron looked at Harry questionably. "Now, deliver these papers to everyone!"  
  
Hedwig sighed, which was so much of a surprise to the three that they jumped; owls don't usually sigh. Then, he brought all of the papers to everyone, which caused much surprise and murmur for many.  
  
For the paper, which proudly bore the title "THE DAILY LOCKET," was making an amazing accusation.  
  
Some people actually read the whole article, and they had a grand old time. But the rest read the meat of the article and the meat only. It stated-  
  
In short, the aforementioned reporters from the Crotchet have committed some outrageous and unbelievable crimes. For example, Fresh Wate®,  
  
"Hey, that's me!" said Fresh Wate®, reading over Phillip Zzzzzzzzzz's shoulder.  
  
Has been seen WEARING A GREEN SUIT TO THE PROM!  
  
"No, no, it's a LIE!" screamed Fresh Wate®, covering his head in shame.  
  
But the article went on.  
  
™y,  
  
"Hey, that's me!" said ™y.  
  
Has been seen of STANDING ON THE GRASS WHEN A "KEEP OFF THE GRASS" SIGN WAS CLEARLY IN VIEW!"  
  
"Well, I'm caught." Said ™y sadly.  
  
And 98º,  
  
"That's me!" said 98º.  
  
Has been seen WEARING WHITE PANTS!  
  
"So?" wondered 98º.  
  
ON NATIONAL WEAR-NOTHING-WHITE-DAY!  
  
"There's a national Wear-nothing-white day?" wondered 98º.  
  
"Yes there is." Said Phillip. "In France."  
  
"No there's not."  
  
"Do you want to insult the French?"  
  
"No. So I guess I'm guilty. Oh no."  
  
After reading this, all the school just gasped, aghast with shock. Then, they took chase after the reporters (after they started running, of course).  
  
"Wow." Said Harry. "How'd you dig up those facts, Hermione?"  
  
"I... er... used common sense." Said Hermione sheepishly. "Let's face it... who HASN'T done those things?"  
  
"I HAVEN'T!" Ron started to say, but he was cut off by many, MANY people from the Daily Rocket, the Daily Cop-it, the Daily Botch-it, the Daily Wocket, the Daily Mop It, the Daily Lock It, the Daily Rotchet, the Daily Globe, the Daily Bugle, and the Daily Watch It!, who all busted in and threatened to sue the aspiring paper writers for publishing a paper that disclosed secret facts without a license.  
  
_____  
  
Oh, no! Review! Oh, no! Review!  
  
~!@#$$%^&*()_+  
  
Y'know, I almost forgot what that means! But now I know. It means review. 


	29. Escape!

Hi! I'm back again!  
  
Sadly, I won't be doing any more responses, because of the April 19th or so notice. I don't know if responses violate the TOS, but I'm not taking chances.  
  
So... on with the... er... story!  
  
Disclaimer: Disclaimer  
  
_____  
  
Tom sat in the darkest Azkaban cell, pondering what had happened just a few months ago. A few months ago, boxers, a fight with Dumbledore, Death Eaters, power, and pride had all been lost. The only reason this sad soul's mind wasn't lost in Azkaban was because the Dementors seemed to think that the soul was demented enough, and decided NOT to suck on the happy memories.  
  
This hurt Tom's pride even more.  
  
"That's IT!" shouted Tom, jumping up. "I'M BREAKING OUT, SOMEHOW GETTING MY POWER BACK, AND RETURNING BACK TO POWER, OR MY NAME ISN'T... TOM JONES JOHNSON!" Tom Jones Johnson tossed back her old, gray hair, and sat down. "But I'll have to change my name..." she said. "No girl has the name Tom..."  
  
In the next cell, Tom Marvolo Riddle sat in his cell, pondering what had happened, just like the other Tom. He, however, wasn't going to do anything about it. But when he heard Tom pledging to get out, he was suddenly filled with hope. Quickly opening his unlocked cell door, he ran into the other Tom's cell, introduced himself, and discussed matters with her. They both agreed that they hated Potter and Dumbledore most, and that their life mission was to get them. Tom Johnson revealed his brilliant plan for escape to Tom Riddle, and he approved. The plan... would start tonight. Tom Riddle ran back into his cell, smiling maniacally for the first time in months.  
  
_____  
  
The next morning, the plan still hadn't started.  
  
"Why didn't we start again?" asked Tom Riddle.  
  
"Because... only one minute has passed?" responded Tom Johnson skeptically. "We had no time."  
  
"WHAT!?" Riddle looked at his digital watch. It was 12:01 AM.  
  
"I REALLY have to stop pondering in the middle of the night." Said Riddle. "Good thing I have my new electronic digital watch!"  
  
A few seconds later, the watch was off permanently, and Tom Johnson decided to start the brilliant plan even though it was morning.  
  
_____  
  
A Dementor slowly flowed through the narrow halls of Azkaban, feeling its way around by using souls as some kind of radar. Yet, it didn't bump into walls and stuff, even though walls have no souls.  
  
Or do they?  
  
When it came to the cell of the two Toms, it stopped. The Toms weren't in their cells!  
  
Tom Riddle quickly scampered through an air vent, with Tom Johnson hot on his heels.  
  
"That was nice planning!" shouted Riddle over his shoulder. "Most  
people are too weak to do anything but lie there, so no one defends  
the vents! That was smart!"  
  
"Thanks!" shouted back Johnson.  
  
"What was that sticky substance you used as a rope to pull off the  
vent cover and help us climb up here?"  
  
"Web Fluid."  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
_____  
  
For the first time in months, Tom Riddle and Tom Johnson felt fresh  
air.  
  
"YES!" screamed Riddle. "I feel so alive... AND EVIL!"  
  
An ant scampered by him.  
  
"DIE!" screamed Riddle, crushing the ant.  
  
"You're so... evil!" said Johnson in awe.  
  
"Thanks." Said Riddle, grinning. "Now that we've escaped, we have to  
get our powers back! But how?"  
  
"Actually," said Johnson, "I never had powers, but I'd love to gain  
them. And how did you get so powerful the first time?"  
  
"Oh yeah..." said Riddle, grinning evilly. "Johnson... follow me!"  
  
And they both went into the cold, cold, cold water that wasn't hot,  
but cold.  
  
_____  
  
I love descriptive sentences. Review! 


	30. Power Trip!

Tests. That's all I have to say about taking so long.  
  
_____  
  
"So, Riddle..." asked Tom Johnson, "How do we get to the level of power you used to have?"  
  
"What, I didn't know we were going to do that." Responded Riddle.  
  
"Oh." Said Johnson.  
  
"But it's a good plan." Said Riddle thoughtfully. "Let's do it."  
  
After getting out of the hot, hot, water that wasn't hot but cold, and marveling at the description level of that previous statement, they had a small conference to see what they would do.  
  
"So..." said Johnson slowly, but anxiously, "How DID you nearly become immortal?"  
  
"Well..." said Riddle slowly, with Johnson leaning in to listen, "People say that I went through crazy experiments..."  
  
"Yes?" said Johnson, leaning in so far that she almost fell over.  
  
"Well... the secret... is... boxers."  
  
Johnson fell over, but it was because of shock.  
  
"B... boxers?" she said with disbelief.  
  
"Yes, boxers. However, they are a special brand."  
  
"What kind? I NEED to know!" Johnson was getting excited now.  
  
"The brand is... Boxersthatwillgiveyouevilpowers®."  
  
"WHAT!?" screamed Johnson.  
  
"Boxersthatwillgiveyouevilpowers®."  
  
"How oddly specific."  
  
"But it gets even BETTER!" shouted Riddle over the excitement that wasn't really loud enough to make him shout. (Descriptive sentences rule!)  
  
"How so?" asked Johnson skeptically.  
  
"The store that it's sold at is: Everything EXCEPT Boxersthatwillgiveyouevilpowers™."  
  
"What...?" said Johnson with mild surprise. "Then... how?"  
  
"Because, the store title has a "™" after it! The actual boxers have an "®" after it!"  
  
"Nice work." Said Johnson with reverence.  
  
"Slappy!" shouted out Riddle. "Let's go!" and then he stepped into the woods to begin his journey to civilization.  
  
"Who's Slappy?" asked Johnson.  
  
"I'M SLAPPY!" shouted Slappy.  
  
Johnson quickly fought Slappy and defeated him.  
  
"WAIT FOR ME, RIDDLE!" screamed Johnson.  
  
_____  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO MORE BOXERSTHATWILLGIVEYOUEVILPOWERS®!?" screamed Riddle. "DON'T YOU SELL THEM HERE!?"  
  
"No." said the man at McDonalds.  
  
"Oh, yeah." Said Riddle. He and Johnson ran over to the Everything Except Boxersthatwillgiveyouevilpowers™ store.  
  
_____  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO MORE BOXERSTHATWILLGIVEYOUEVILPOWERS®!?" screamed Riddle.  
  
"We ran out years ago. Some guy bought our only pair." Said the store clerk.  
  
"CURSES!" screamed Johnson.  
  
"Wait." Said the clerk. "I have another pair in the reserve stock. You can have it... if you do some tasks."  
  
"Okay." Said Riddle and Johnson right away. After all, what kind of tasks could they be? Not hard ones, of course.  
  
_____  
  
"Your first task... is to die, but still live!"  
  
"Oh, darn." Said Riddle and Johnson.  
  
_____  
  
How will they solve it? Stay tuned! After I get through my testing period, of course. 


	31. The Task

No, I don't have constant tests, but I have to constantly STUDY for these huge finals/state tests and whatnot. Got it? Good.  
  
Well, I've been slacking off on my updating for the reason above, so I can understand the sharp deterioration in my review-count. What page am I on now, page twenty or something? But no more! The weekend is here! And I'm going to update... at LEAST once! Which is right now... 6o  
  
Disclaimer: Joe Smith  
  
"Nice work!" said the store clerk, who was marveling at Riddle and Johnson's completion of the first task. "You died, yet still lived!"  
  
"You mean _DYED_!" said Riddle.  
  
"WAIT! STOP THE STORY!" screamed Johnson.  
  
"What?" asked Riddle, the clerk, and the author.  
  
"FOR THE FIRST TIME..." shrieked Johnson, "EVER... IN ANY ONE OF DARKBOY'S STORIES... HE USED ITALICS!!!"  
  
"Well, at least it's not **bold**." Said Riddle.  
  
"YES, THAT ONE TOO! THAT'S THE FIRST TIME HE USED THAT, TOO!"  
  
"Cool." Said Riddle. Let it be known that on this day, May 15th, in the 31st chapter, Darkboy77 used _bold_ and **italics!**  
  
"In any case," said the very confused clerk, "your next task is to use bold and... oh, wait."  
  
Fifteen minutes later, after many tasks which included kissing a tree, peeling potatoes and eating crackers, the store clerk was out of ideas. And not too soon, either. Riddle and Johnson were out of energy.  
  
"If I have to eat one more cracker..." gasped Johnson, "I'll..."  
  
"Oh!" said the clerk, getting an idea. "Your next task... is to eat one more cracker!"  
  
"No!" shrieked Johnson, as she ate the cracker.  
  
"Now what will you do?" asked Riddle excitedly.  
  
"I'll... complain about eating crackers. If I have to eat one more cracker..."  
  
"JUST GIVE US OUR LAST TASK ALREADY!" shouted the clerk. "Oh, wait... I think you were supposed to shout that, Riddle."  
  
"Yes, I was." Said Riddle. "JUST GIVE US OUR LAST TASK ALREADY!"  
  
"Who said that this was your last task?" asked the clerk.  
  
"Er..." stammered Riddle, but the clerk ignored him.  
  
"Your last task... is to... KILL HARRY POTTER!"  
  
Riddle and Johnson just stared.  
  
"I'm sorry; I just don't like those BIG OL' EYES of his."  
  
"O...kay..." said Riddle, a bit scared, "That would be no problem, except that we'll NEED the Boxersthatwillgiveyouevilpowers® first."  
  
"You will, won't you? Well, TOO BAD!" and the clerk just laughed.  
  
"This is an odd predicament." Said Johnson. "We have to kill Harry Potter to get the item that we need to kill Harry Potter!"  
  
"Shut up." Said Riddle.  
  
"No." said Johnson.  
  
"Open down." Said Riddle.  
  
"Yes." Said Johnson.  
  
"Review." Said the author.  
  
"Yes." Said the millions of people who review the author's stories. Okay, okay, more like 475,667. 


	32. Professor Winter

Ha! You like giving me long review pages, don't you? Well, cool.  
  
And I'm not taking tests, I'm STUDYING for them. And taking parts of some, I'll admit. Hey, a straight "A" student has to keep up his work!  
  
™  
  
Disclaimer: Joe Smith.  
  
™  
  
[A note: If you feel confused or feel like you're missing something during the first part of this chapter, read my last story, around chapter 20 or so.]  
  
Spring had come to Hogwarts.  
  
"You've gotta be kidding me!" shouted Harry as soon as he caught a glimpse of the Tiara-wearing Riddle in front of the Defense Against the Dark Arts class. "You wore that disguise last time! Now tell me how you got out of Azkaban?" Harry was feeling considerably braver now, seeing as Riddle had lost all of his evil powers.  
  
"Er... gotta go!" said Riddle sheepishly, running away. "Curses! I need an updated disguise!"  
  
™  
  
Springg had come to Hogwarts.  
  
"Okay, that's just lame." Said Harry.  
  
™  
  
Winter had come to Hogwarts.  
  
"Wow..." gasped Ron as he caught a glimpse of Winter's body.  
  
"RON!" shouted Hermione, shocked and disgusted.  
  
"What, can't a guy look at a girl?" said Ron, not taking his eyes off of Winter's (who was really Johnson, if you didn't know) body.  
  
"Yeah, a guy can..." hissed Harry, "If the girl isn't more than 154 years old!"  
  
"Oh..." said Ron sheepishly, growing scarlet.  
  
"I'll bet she's so old..." laughed Hermione, "that she doesn't have wrinkles, she has... er... aw, I don't have a punch line."  
  
"Let me try." Said Harry. "She's so old that... her social security number is 1!"  
  
"I don't get it." Said Ron and Hermione at the same time.  
  
"Neither do I." Said Harry.  
  
"You know, I'm standing right next to you, and can hear everything you're saying." Said Winter.  
  
"Oh." Said Harry. "Well... we'll whisper."  
  
Johnson just shook her head. How stupid could the boy that escaped Voldemort about 2,107 times be?  
  
Just then, Harry somehow tripped while sitting down.  
  
Very stupid, it seemed.  
  
™  
  
Wow, I actually did a chapter! Another one coming up... later!  
  
Review, and influence me! 


	33. Kill! Kill! Kill!

Holy shitake mushrooms... I'm updating within a day of the last update! Nice!  
  
With this chapter, the total words in all of my stories should have now exceeded 100,000 words! Whoo! Holla to da' 100,000th word chapter!  
  
Disclaimer: BOO!  
  
!#$%&()  
  
Bring! The bell sounded, and the children began to file out. All except for Harry, of course. He had been asked to stay after class by Professor Winter.  
  
"This is just too easy..." thought Johnson, who was disguised (not really disguised, because no one had ever seen her before) as Winter. "Soon... Harry Potter's life shall be mine!"  
  
"Can we hurry, professor?" asked Harry hastily. "I have Quidditch practice... we have a game tomorrow!"  
  
"Yes, Potter." Winter drew her wand. "This shall all be over... soon enough."  
  
"Er... why are you drawing your wand?" asked Harry, confused.  
  
Johnson laughed. Pointing her wand directly between Harry's eyes, she shrieked, "AVADA KEDAVRA!"  
  
The spell hit Harry.  
  
And he got a nosebleed.  
  
"WHAAAAAATTTT!?" screamed Johnson. Then, she realized that you had to have extreme power to work the curse. 25 years in Azkaban sure had taken a lot out of her.  
  
Harry was horrified. "Y-you tried to KILL me!"  
  
Johnson grinned sheepishly. "Er... no I didn't?"  
  
Harry looked fiercely at her. "Yes you did!" he said in an extremely strong voice.  
  
Just then, Johnson was struck up by an idea.  
  
"HUH!?" she said, sounding as if she had just broken the surface of a body of water after being under it for a minute. "W-what happened? Oh, my mind went blank for about a second... like I was being controlled..."  
  
Harry all at once knew what was going on. At least he thought he did.  
  
"You must have been hit by the Imperious curse!"  
  
"I was?" said Johnson, faking surprise.  
  
"Yes! And I know who did it... I didn't know Riddle was still strong enough to do magic! Oh, he must be, if he only lost his super evil powers..."  
  
And then, Harry left.  
  
"Dang you, Potter!" said Johnson quietly. "I'll have to think of another way to kill you..."  
  
"AHA! I HEARD THAT!" screamed Neville Longbottom, who was still sitting in the back of the room.  
  
"What...? Why didn't you leave!?"  
  
"Because..." said Neville irritably, "I got my butt glued to this chair!"  
  
Neville then got up, showed Johnson the glue on his robes, and sat back down.  
  
"Okay..." said Johnson slowly, "Well... I guess I'll have to torture you until you promise to forget. CRUCIO!"  
  
And with that, Neville sprouted a huge mustache.  
  
"Dang those 25 years in prison..."  
  
!#$%&()  
  
Review! Please? I actually sent in a chapter on time! Reward me! 


	34. French Fries Rule!

Holy shoot, ALMOST 400 REVIEWS! This is... crazy! Come on; help me reach the big "4"!  
  
And thanks to all who have reviewed so far.  
  
-----  
  
"Wow." Said Harry, dumbstruck. He had expected to have a Quidditch match against a Hogwarts team, but it seemed that wasn't the case. They were facing the English National Quidditch Team, or the ENQRAADFYEHBVDTADASDTT.  
  
"Wait a minute..." said Ginny, "Why is their acronym the ENQRAADFYEHBVDTADASTT?"  
  
"Don't ask questions." Responded Yvonne, who then proceeded to deliver a death chop to Harry. However, she missed.  
  
"We're gonna get killed..." said Harry slowly.  
  
"Nice pep-talk, Harry!" said Sean brightly.  
  
"No, he's right." Said Yvonne. "The games already started and we're just wasting time talking to each other. Oh, look, they've scored 5,679 times in a row."  
  
Harry just looked at Yvonne dumbstruck. "H-how the HECK did they score so fast!?"  
  
"Harry, what part of ENGLISH NATIONAL QUIDDITCH TEAM don't you understand!?"  
  
Harry just cursed under his breath. "Curse." he said. "When I find out the guy/girl who made us play against this team, oh, they're gonna pay..."  
  
-----  
  
Well, with the score being 56,790 to 0, the Gryffindor team wasn't really trying now. Actually, they were playing 5 times harder than they ever had in their lives, but the English team didn't notice.  
  
The Keeper yawned as he blocked another shot without looking, and decided to take a mid-air nap. Of course, this resulted in a nasty collision with the ground, but England was too good to let something like "a constantly open goal" stop them.  
  
Madam Pomfrey was so bored that she actually FELL ASLEEP, but she was eventually woken up by the English keeper bouncing off of her and hitting the ground.  
  
Of course, all torture must eventually end, and it did so when the English keeper caught the snitch, released it, and caught it again, just for fun. Gryffindor had lost, 1613279613278480507895781315115113473504650178658743165081769074603781460578 6130746501374560346176107865016486015610360416504731756078634051078650786108 4658761378560176504108376578016430763057861650781605816140876135760178435078 1657806143807568016587 to  
  
1147038274091275098123784937327048371048971038925790134742378901417469617646 2397647647617977697667647378164973423164712476121156156961316119657695176479 6159783659784169856431278678916497865978165714938678946598175698176589756497 8481659516350134650784630786818056457801340813467801465087156556.  
  
Of course, if by 1147038274091275098123784937327048371048971038925790134742378901417469617646 2397647647617977697667647378164973423164712476121156156961316119657695176479 6159783659784169856431278678916497865978165714938678946598175698176589756497 8481659516350134650784630786818056457801340813467801465087156556, you mean zero.  
  
"Well, that was fun." Said the English Seeker. "Why don't we go home to eat some English Muffins?"  
  
"No," said one of the beaters, "I prefer French Fries."  
  
"Chinese Food always turns me on." said one of the Chasers.  
  
"Forget it, American cheese rocks!" bellowed the Keeper, who was unconscious, of course.  
  
-----  
  
Review!? 


	35. Winter is Over and Gone

HHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY... I have 413 dang reviews! FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN! Amazing! As John said, maybe I'll get 488 and have my prediction (which I forgot about already) come true!  
  
=====  
  
Disclaimer: I am your father.  
  
=====  
  
Harry's embarrassment from being humiliated by the English National Quidditch team lasted for about 2.7 seconds.  
  
Because right then and there, Winter strode out onto the pitch and, with everyone watching, held a knife up to his head.  
  
"GASP!" gasped the whole crowd and Harry's team. The English National Quidditch team, of course, had left the building.  
  
"NOBODY MOVE!" screamed Winter. She was desperate, as her only idea had been foiled. Of course, trying the idea again was out of the question. She would be attacked by the Disgruntled Villain's Union (or DVU) if she had.  
  
Dumbledore, with fire in his eyes, tried to jump in, but Winter only brought the knife to skin distance.  
  
"Professor..." said Dumbledore slowly, "you're making a big mistake..."  
  
"How so?" said Winter, kind of crazily.  
  
"Because..." said Dumbledore even more slowly, "You... don't... hold... a... knife... to... someone's... head..."  
  
"I don't!?"  
  
"No... you... only... do... that... with... a... gun... you... must... hold... the... knife... to... their... throat..."  
  
"Oh, thank you." Said Winter, who promptly switched positions.  
  
"Thanks, Dumbledore." Said Harry aloud with much malice.  
  
"You're welcome, Harry." Said Dumbledore, who then quickly threw a blast of pure energy at Winter. Winter's eyes grew wide, and she only had time to drop the knife and think of running, when the blast hit here square in the chest.  
  
Winter seemed to take an age to fall, but when she did, she fell right through the veil that was conveniently placed onto the Quidditch pitch to promote the Society of Fancy Veils (or SFV), and landed on the other side, dead.  
  
Harry, relieved but nevertheless shook-up, turned to Dumbledore.  
  
"Where'd you learn to shoot energy blasts?" he asked.  
  
"Um, nowhere?" said Dumbledore, growing red and quickly hiding his miniature TV that only transmitted extremely popular Japanese Anime.  
  
"Whatever. Hey, how does-"  
  
"Never mind." Said Dumbledore sadly, letting the TV fizzle out.  
  
=====  
  
Meanwhile, Riddle, cleverly hidden behind a thin, thin goalpost, watched the whole thing encounter. But he didn't cry. No, he was beyond tears. He felt... **_ANGRY BEYOND WORDS!!!_**  
  
=====  
  
And that's when he turned Super Say- er... into an ultra-powerful form of himself. Yeah. Ignore the first part. He's just ultra-powerful, he's nothing even SIMILAR to Drag- er... some other TV show. Now Review My Story (or RMS!) 


	36. Let's not show this to Akira Toriyama!

™!  
  
And that's all I have to say on that subject. -----  
  
Disclaimer: See chapters 1- whatever. I THINK YOU'D KNOW THAT I DON'T OWN HIM BY NOW! Oh, and thanks, sophiethedevil. Are you happy now?  
  
-----  
  
"Incredible power..." said Dumbledore immediately as Riddle went crazy and powered up.  
  
"Dumbledore..." said Riddle, his eyes white. "You killed my one and only true love... and now, I'VE GONE SUPER SAY-"  
  
Suddenly, Madam Hooch blew her whistle for no apparent reason at all, drowning out the rest of Riddle's sentence. Dumbledore, however, seemed to hear him.  
  
"But how?" he asked. "You're not of the say [TWEEEET!] Race!"  
  
"Who cares!?" shouted Riddle. "You die... NOW!"  
  
Then, Riddle, gathering incredible energy (yet again), hovered over to the Goalpost, and SNAPPED IT OFF.  
  
"Holy!" gasped Harry.  
  
The whole crowd except for Harry, Ron, and Hermione started running away, as expected. Oh yeah, and Dumbledore too.  
  
"Oh, darn." Said Dumbledore sadly, trudging back onto the Pitch to face Riddle.  
  
"DIE!" screamed Riddle.  
  
"Yeah, you told me... ALREADY!"  
  
Riddle swung the huge goalpost right at Dumbledore's face. But Dumbledore didn't move.  
  
BAAAAAAAAAAANG! The post hit Dumbledore square in the jaw. Hermione, Ron, and Harry all cringed. But Dumbledore hadn't even moved, despite the huge goalpost smacking him in the mug.  
  
"Weak." Was all Dumbledore said, before he grabbed the goalpost, yanked it out of Riddle's grip, and flung it out of the stadium. It kept going up and up until it was out of sight.  
  
"This defies physics... even magical ones..." breathed Hermione.  
  
Dumbledore then flew (yes, flew) directly at Riddle at a speed that broke the sound barrier.  
  
"Uh oh..." said Riddle, nervous. He had constructed that sound barrier with the hardest sound bricks...  
  
Wait a minute, sound bricks?  
  
"What was I thinking?" but Riddle didn't have time, as Dumbledore, now past the sound barrier, was coming for HIM!  
  
Riddle quickly avoided a punch. He then delivered 20 punches in an incredibly fast manner to Dumbledore, but he managed to block all of them. Dumbledore then kicked Riddle up into the air, and then threw THREE of those crazy energy blasts at him.  
  
Riddle, however, was ready, and deflected them all. He then dived back to earth in a cannonball position, attempting to send Dumbledore flying.  
  
He did. However, Dumbledore did it of his own free will.  
  
"WHAT!?" screamed Hermione, staring at the hovering Dumbledore. "I THOUGHT NO MAGIC COULD DO THAT!"  
  
"Ah, but it's not magic!" said Dumbledore wisely. "It's ki!"  
  
"Ki? What's ki?" asked Ron.  
  
And that's when the energy blast hit Dumbledore directly in the face.  
  
---  
  
Oh no. Review! And please please please don't notify anyone by the name of Akira Toriyama.


	37. Pursuit

Review.  
  
Oh, wait; I don't say that until the end of the chapter. Oh well.  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
-----  
  
"Dumbledore...?" said Hermione faintly. But Dumbledore was on the ground, silent, with his face smoking.  
  
"He's... dead?" asked Riddle to himself, hardly daring to believe it. But it was TRUE!  
  
"DEAD! HE'D DEAD! I'VE WON! YES!" screamed Riddle happily. "I don't want to kill you now, Potter! I don't need to! I can now do it any time I want, with Dumbledore gone! He can't come from nowhere to save you now! Fare thee well, everyone! I'm going to build a new base from which I'll take over the world!"  
  
And with that, Riddle flew out of the stadium via a burst of internal energy.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Harry.  
  
"I know, mate, we're all sad." Said Ron sadly.  
  
"I know! Who's going to save my butt when I'm about to be killed?"  
  
"Er..." said Ron and Hermione at the same time.  
  
"Well, I'm off to go into hiding!" said Harry.  
  
"That won't be necessary." Said Dumbledore, getting up from the ground.  
  
"DUMBLEDORE! YOU'RE ALIVE!" shrieked Hermione, jumping up and giving him a kiss on the cheek.  
  
"Oh... Hermione..." said Dumbledore, embarrassed, "I... it's that I'm so old and you're so young..."  
  
Hermione immediately backed away.  
  
"How'd you live?" asked Harry eagerly.  
  
"Well, I couldn't let the Boy Who Lived die, could I?"  
  
"No, you couldn't." agreed Ron.  
  
"Well, I'm off to fight Voldemort. If you want, you can tag along. I'll carry you!"  
  
And with that, Dumbledore flew off in pursuit of Voldemort, carrying Harry and Hermione under his arms. Ron had to hold on tight to his robes.  
  
"Wait a minute!" realized Ron after a minute. "This isn't the direction which Voldemort flew off in!"  
  
"It isn't?" said Dumbledore in a bad interpretation of surprise. "Oh." He sadly turned away from a huge building labeled Electronics Boutique, grumbling "I almost got to use an electronic computer!"  
  
"Wow, I didn't know that they had that near Hogwarts!" marveled Harry.  
  
"We're not near Hogwarts, Harry." Said Hermione. "We're flying about 2,000 miles per hour; I would think that you'd notice that. We should be nearing American soil by now."  
  
"America?" said Ron. "That's where Voldemort's going? Oh, boy, I wonder what new American adventures are in store for us!"  
  
"I suspect we'll probably..."  
  
"DON'T SPOIL THE PLOT, HARRY!" shrieked Hermione.  
  
-----  
  
But I'll spoil the plot. Next chapter. Until then, review. 


	38. The Big Apple!

Yes! 491 reviews, 3 more than I predicted REALLY on early! And still going!  
  
Thank you, all of the people who've reviewed and put me on their favorite author/author alert list! Really. Thanks. Oh yeah, and whoever gives me my 500th review will get special mention from me! Really!  
  
Disclaimer: Do yourself a favor...

* * *

Dumbledore, Harry, and Hermione all touched down on New York City soil.  
  
Not actually soil, but more like concrete and dust.  
  
"Wait a minute..." said Harry, "Where's Ron?"  
  
"Oh, I dropped him 15 minutes ago." Said Dumbledore casually.  
  
"YOU WHAT!?" shrieked Hermione and Harry at the same time.  
  
"Just kidding." Said Dumbledore, smiling. "I actually THREW him towards the ground, not just dropped him."  
  
"You... MURDERER!" shouted Harry.  
  
"Harry, don't get so mad, I'm just kidding again! Ron is really-"  
  
But just then, Dumbledore was handcuffed, gagged, and thrown into the back of a police car by one of the thousands of NYPD members in New York, all in the matter of two seconds.  
  
"MMPH!" screamed Dumbledore as the police car flew off, sirens screaming.  
  
Harry and Hermione were silent.  
  
"What... just... happened?" asked Harry, confused.  
  
"Well, Muggle Police, attracted by the cry of 'murderer', apparently just arrested Dumbledore (without telling him his rights, I might add)." Said Hermione, just realizing it as she said it.  
  
"Wow, I should be worried that our only way to find Ron is arrested, but all I can say now is that NYC police are very diligent!"  
  
Just then, another Police car with two police came screeching to a halt right in front of Harry and Hermione.  
  
"WHERE'S THE MURDERER?" shouted an officer, a woman this time.  
  
"Uh... already arrested?" said Harry.  
  
"DANG!" shouted the Policeman next to the Policewoman. "That officer in cruiser 97 is the BEST in the business! Number 1! We're his only competition!"  
  
"What number in the business are you?" asked Hermione, in spite of the situation.  
  
"Number 4,567." Responded the woman.  
  
"Er..." started Harry, but the man cut him off.  
  
"By ONLY competition, we don't really mean only! We mean no competition at all!"  
  
"Good for you, then." Said Hermione nervously. "Now we'll be on our way..." but the two police people were already off getting to more crimes too late.  
  
"You know, we really shouldn't be worried about Dumbledore." Said Harry. "After all, he IS a wizard, and he also now has Super ------ powers!"  
  
( This part of the sentence was drowned out by City noise.)  
  
"Yes." Said Hermione, agreeing. "But while we're here, why don't we admire the ludicrous amounts of taxis on the street, the dangerously tall buildings, the hot dog vendors every 5 steps, the road construction every 4 steps, and the Starbucks Coffee shops every 2 steps?"  
  
"Because," responded Harry, "I have no idea."  
  
"That was a rhetorical question, Harry."  
  
Just then, Harry bumped into a Starbucks while bumping into a Starbucks.

* * *

Review!


	39. Harlem Shuffle

Drangonsile, you cheap little monkey, you, you got 500. Great work. And your award is:  
  
You get congratulated by a 500-review author!  
  
Congratulations!  
  
Oh yeah, and I'm adding your name to my word processing dictionary, just because it's a (slightly) better reward.  
  
Hey, whoever's my 600th reviewer (if I get that high) can ALSO get one of these great prizes! So count carefully!

* * *

Okay, time to start.  
  
Disclaimer: _Bold!_ Italics! **Underlines!** (Dang, I **_LOVE_** that Fanfiction quick-edit thing!)

* * *

"Why hasn't Dumbledore busted out yet?" asked Hermione aloud.  
  
"I don't know." Said Harry. "But maybe it's because we've been sprinting as fast as we can away from this huge ball of steel chasing us, meaning Dumbledore would actually have to search for us."  
  
"Oh, right." Said Hermione. Freezing the ball with a freezing spell, Hermione abruptly stopped.  
  
"You know, Harry," said Hermione, "The best thing to do when one is lost is to NOT MOVE. Do you hear me? NOT MOVE."  
  
But Harry, however, was currently doing the Harlem Shuffle.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" screeched Hermione.  
  
"Well," said Harry while moving furiously, "it's New York, right? Harlem's in New York! I'm just making sure we aren't looking out of place!"  
  
"Harry..." said Hermione slowly, "You're wearing Quidditch robes... I'm wearing school robes... WE COULD NOT BE ANY MORE OUT OF PLACE!"  
  
"That's how Dumbledore will find us! The two freaks who are out of place!"  
  
This made Hermione stop.  
  
"Very... smart, Harry!"  
  
"Yes, I know." Said Harry, feeling very proud of himself.

* * *

However, 5 hours later, Dumbledore hadn't found them.  
  
Because he had already found them 4 hours and 57 minutes ago.  
  
"Dumbledore..." complained Harry, its night! We still haven't found Riddle's base!"  
  
"Ah, Harry," said Dumbledore with a twinkle in his eye, "you are very, very, misinformed."  
  
And with that, he flew off towards an ominous-looking volcano in the distance, with the Dark Mark hovering over it.  
  
Harry and Hermione stood there in shock.  
  
"HOW DID WE MISS THAT!?"

* * *

Review! 


	40. Hotter than Hot!

Hey! I was reviewing my own story a few minutes ago, and then wondered...  
  
What's with this recommendation thing? Did any of you recommend me? Are you supposed to get a sign or something? Because I have no idea! And who thought of this? Why did they? Why are WE here? Who left my drink in the washing machine? I need at least SOME answers.  
  
Maybe I should E-Mail the staff... or maybe I'll get answers the cheap way, through reviews. Whatever happens will happen. COUGHTELLMECOUGH!  
  
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Disclaimer

* * *

"You know, that was very smart of you to come back and get us!" said Hermione approvingly.  
  
"Why, thank you!" said Dumbledore. He, Harry, Hermione, and Ron all landed on the edge of the volcano.  
  
"Ron, where'd you," Harry started to ask, but then he decided not to even try.  
  
"Okay."  
  
"WHO SAID THAT!?" shouted Ron.  
  
"Just me, Ronald." Said Dumbledore calmly. "Why did you get so distressed?"  
  
"No reason..." said Ron nervously, quickly pocketing his SWIB card. [OLD- Timers will remember this gag!]  
  
"You know what I want to know?" said Hermione suddenly. "I want to know what a volcano is doing in the middle of NEW YORK!"  
  
"We're not in the middle-" Ron and Harry started to say, but then Hermione pointed to a sign right behind the volcano which said, 'Welcome to the Middle of New York.'"  
  
Dumbledore just shook his head. "Aye, Hermione, aye."  
  
"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, DUMBLEDORE!?" shouted Hermione, but Dumbledore just turned a blind eye and a deaf ear.  
  
"AAH! I CAN'T SEE!" screamed Dumbledore.  
  
"YOU'RE ABOUT TO FALL INTO THE VOLCANO!" screamed Ron.  
  
"I CAN'T HEAR!"  
  
"DUMBLEDORE!" screamed Harry.  
  
He and Ron lunged for him, but they missed.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!" screamed Dumbledore.  
  
"NNNNNNOOOOO!!!" screamed Harry and Ron.  
  
"Oh my gosh, you idiots." Screamed... er, said Hermione indignantly. "DUMBLEDORE, FLY!!!"  
  
"Oh, yes!" said Dumbledore sheepishly. He immediately burst forward through the air, which would have been fine if he wasn't facing the lava inside the volcano.  
  
SPLASH! BUBBLE. And with that, the diver 5,672 miles away hit the surface of the pool.  
  
And, at the same time, the wizard 5,672 miles away from the pool hit the surface of the ultra-hot-lava-that-would-only-be-even-remotley-cold-on- opposite-day. (Description rocks!)

* * *

Review. 


	41. It's Over!

Yo yo yo, Mrs. Rachel Black! You are now officially in one of the most successful stories in the humor Harry Potter section (at least by my statistics. By my statistics, I have, like, over 100 people combined on my author alert/favorites list, and 500 reviews. I don't think that's average. Can you name 10 other humor stories with those statistics? Wait, before you name them, stop! BUT I COULD BE WRONG; IF THERE HAS BEEN SOME KIND OF SURGE OF UNBELIEVABLE WRITERS IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES!).

Disclaimer: Give me my pants! Now!

* * *

"I can't believe... he's gone..." said Hermione, choking, and then hunching over in sobs.  
  
"No... way..." said Harry slowly.  
  
"The idiot killed himself." Said Ron, but with no anger.  
  
Of course, if this was a Romance/Tragedy, Romance/Angst, Tragedy/Romance, Angst/Tragedy, Angst/Romance, or the dreaded Tragedy/Angst, Dumbledore would not come back. BUT THIS IS A FORKING HUMOR STORY. So, Dumbledore came back!  
  
Carried by Riddle, of course.  
  
The sight of Dumbledore, still (barely) alive, lost all of its joy when the trio saw Riddle carrying him, slumped over his shoulder, while he was slowly rising out of the mouth of the Volcano, lava swirling around him. It was a very evil scene.  
  
"No..." breathed Hermione. "Y-you were IN the lava... your power must be incredible..."  
  
"Yes." Said Riddle, grinning evilly. "YES!" Riddle was laughing maniacally. "ALL I HAVE TO DO NOW IS TO EXERT THE LEAST OF MY POWER TO KILL DIMBLEDORE, AND THEN NO ONE WILL STOP ME!!!"  
  
Harry then snapped. He just snapped.  
  
He had been in situations like this before, but never one that seemed so hopeless. He was on the edge of a volcano. Dumbledore was virtually useless. And he was about to die. (Ha, can't resist a bit of good writing now and then!)  
  
"You... DON'T TOUCH HIM!!!" screamed Harry. His rage going past his limits. Suddenly, a new force exploded in him. It was... incredible! He felt his power rush to levels never before imagined. Ron and Hermione could only cover their eyes and turn away from what was emerging! (Ha, can't resist a bit of good writing now and then!)  
  
"Your... power level is nearly equal to mine... AND STILL RISING!?" shouted Riddle, amazed.  
  
Harry immediately busted out of his spaceship prison, and, with blue ki surrounding him, head-butted Radi- oh, wait, this isn't that story. Disregard this paragraph.  
  
Harry immediately flew straight at Riddle, slamming him in the chest with his head with an almighty thrust that could have shaken the Statue of Liberty herself (although very slightly). As Riddle fell straight into the Volcano, despite the pain, he could only get out one thing-  
  
"He... beat me... he's my better... he turned into a more powerful version of the SUPER-"  
  
At this, Riddle fell into the lava, drowning out the very last part of the sentence.  
  
"Harry..." said Ron, amazed, to say the least, "You... beat Riddle..."  
  
Harry then took a moment to examine himself. Yellow, freakishly spiky hair, yellow energy surrounding him, turquoise eyes, muscles... yep; he had definitely gone super s

And that's where the chapter ended. Yes, it's in the middle of a word.

* * *

Dumbledore, who had luckily fallen onto the edge of the volcano when Harry hit Riddle, slowly got up. But he ached all over. "Dang... third-degree burns!" he then fell asleep.  
  
Harry looked at the volcano, at the exact spot where Riddle had fallen. He didn't really believe Riddle was dead. He knew they'd meet again.  
  
If he didn't destroy the volcano right now, that is!  
  
"Okay, everybody move!" shouted Harry. Everyone, including Dumbledore, who had woken up in the space of 5 seconds, started to descend the volcano. Harry gave them 1 minute. Then, he put his hands together.  
  
"Kame..." he said slowly. Blue energy began forming... and then Harry decided against using this copyrighted, trademarked, copymarked, traderighted, and-every-other-legal-term-you-can-think-of-move.  
  
He decided to use a Spirit Bomb. (If I'm lucky, no one here will know that one!)  
  
"DIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!" screamed Harry after he had gathered 2% of the energy from all living things (makes you wonder, doesn't it?).  
  
The blast annihilated the volcano. Anything that was in there was dead. Including all of the rare igneous rocks! Take that, Earth Science enthusiasts!  
  
"It's over..." said Harry, slowly floating towards his friends, off into

the sunset. "After all of that... it's definitely over..."

* * *

No, it's not over. Not for this story, that is! 


	42. Hm

Almost 550 reviews! But it seems my reviews as they appear on the story are ahead of the login screen reviews! Wow.

* * *

"Today..." said McGonagall, "you will take... THE N.E.W.T. tests!"  
  
"AAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Harry. But then he woke up. He was still in transfiguration, however.  
  
"Today..." said McGonagall "you will have 2 weeks... BEFORE THE N.E.W.T. tests!"  
  
"AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" screamed Harry. Between the fighting hourglasses and Riddle's return, Harry had completely forgotten about... dang near everything.  
  
"MR. POTTER, CONTAIN YOURSELF!" shouted McGonagall.  
  
"Sorry, Professor." Said Harry.  
  
Hermione, however, was much worse.  
  
"NOT THE NEWTS! ANYTHING BUT THEM! OHGOSHOHGOSHOHGOSHOHGOSHOH53DANDDFAJK£¥áª¹ˆ"EHFA;I"‚Ñç!!!"  
  
McGonagall immediately hit Hermione with a tranquilizing spell.  
  
"Ms. Granger..." said McGonagall seriously, "You are going to do fine. You could have taken these tests at the end of the sixth year. YOU WILL DO FINE."  
  
"Yes..." said Hermione sleepily. "Yes I will."

* * *

"Well, I'm going to do fine on the NEWTS!" said Hermione in the common room that night.  
  
"And Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup!" said Harry.  
  
"And I... am a man." Said Ron, throwing away his fake breasts.  
  
Well, it seemed everyone resolved their problems, which meant the chapter should have been over, for lack of a plot to continue off of.  
  
But it continued!  
  
"I'm going to the girl's dormitory." Said Hermione.  
  
"Night." Said Harry.  
  
"Night." Said Ron.  
  
"Night." Said Hermione.  
  
Silence.  
  
"Well, I'm going up to our dorm." Said Ron. "Night."  
  
"Night." Said Harry.  
  
Harry was alone in the common room.  
  
He played wizard chess with himself for awhile, but the pieces got tired of him constantly putting them in danger, so they eventually rebelled and ran away.  
  
Furious, Harry sat in the couch.  
  
He did nothing for 1 minute.  
  
Then he looked at the fire.  
  
Then he went up to bed.  
  
The common room was empty.  
  
No one was inside.  
  
The fire danced.  
  
The couches lumbered.  
  
The papers fluttered.  
  
The rug swirled.  
  
And then McGonagall came in, took one look at all of the moving stuff, and screamed.  
  
The stuff stopped.  
  
McGonagall left.  
  
Nothing else happened.  
  
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* * *

Review this rap. 


	43. Harry's worst Idea Yet!

You all REALLY like me, right? I was away for like, a week and no one complained! Of course, the review count on the story page is inevitably higher than the one for my stats page... okay!

Let's go!

* * *

Harry nervously sat down at the exam table. He had studied his butt off and he was still scared to death. But, taking a deep breath, he plunged into the exam.

And promptly failed it.

* * *

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Harry. He was in his bed, sweating very cold sweat. It had all been a dream... he hadn't failed the exam... he hadn't even taken it yet... and he hadn't even studied his butt off... come to think of it, he hadn't even studied...

And the exam was but 2 days from... oh dang.

"HERMIONE!" screamed Harry at the top of his lungs. "Get your smart brain over here now!"

"Coming!" said Hermione from the Girls' Dorms immediately, surprising herself as much as Harry.

But, despite the hour, and the pink-footed pajamas, she came over to Harry's bed.

"You... wear... pink footed pajamas?" gasped Hermione, barely containing her shock and amusement.

"Yes, I do." grumbled Harry. "Now to business."

"Yes?" asked Hermione.

Harry sighed.

"I haven't studied for the NEWTs, and I need you to get me ready."

Hermione nearly died of laughter.

* * *

"Well, mate," said Ron the next day, "Hermione's in the hospital, and you haven't studied. You're thoroughly-"

"Before you say anything," Harry said quickly, "Remember that YOU haven't studied either."

"Oh yeah..."

"Well, there's only one thing to do, isn't there?" said Harry seriously.

"Cry? Pray? Plead memory loss?"

"Yes! And if all of that fails, we must STEAL THE ANSWERS TO THE NEWTS!"

This was arguably Harry's worst idea yet, including the one about hiding under barrels to confuse Filch. Of course, that meant that they'd go through with it.

* * *

Review!? 


	44. The Mouth of Evil!

Holy Christmas, I just realized something. I HAVE A LOT OF REVIEWS. No matter how much I try to be humble, 560 is a whole lot!  
  
Rest assured, I read every single one of them. And now for some encouragement! I don't know; it might make the chapter more interesting.

* * *

For all those writers just starting/struggling; and I know some of you have reviewed, I say this: do your thing!  
  
If you're scared of posting something controversial but you know it isn't purposely insulting and will be popular: raise the rating of the story!  
  
Use spell-check! So no nitpickers will come and harass you! Not one person has EVER criticized my spelling!  
  
Insert 1 space between every paragraph!  
  
Don't use brand names in a fic whose real story doesn't use brand names!  
  
Never, EVER say that you won't make the next chapter until you get (x) reviews! It really can tick off that one loyal fan that really wants the next chapter and can only contribute one or two reviews! Remember: that fan may know 13,245 other people!  
  
Brush your teeth at least 2 times a day!  
  
And don't be lazy like me and take breaks for 2 weeks. Don't start a good story unless you have time! You can do that once you get a fan base. And still, you'll lose people if you don't update... yeah, I know I should take my own advice.  
  
Okay, enough encouragement! You aren't going to listen anyway! On with the story!

* * *

Disclaimer: !#$%&()  
  
"ARE YOU CRAZY!?" screamed Hermione. "DO YOU KNOW HOW WELL GUARDED THOSE ANSWERS ARE!?"  
  
"Yes." Said Ron.  
  
"You...?"  
  
"Well, kind of. Sure, they're well guarded, but it's not like they're in some small island in the sea!"  
  
He and Harry slapped hands.  
  
"Right." Said Hermione. "They're in a small island in the sea... surrounded by many magic perils!"  
  
Harry and Ron immediately felt that this would be a very, very, VERY bad idea.  
  
"Fork." Said Ron, very randomly.  
  
"Wait!" said Harry. "I still have my super powers!"  
  
And with that, Harry powered up and flew through the ceiling, taking Ron with him.  
  
"That... no, those... idiots..." grumbled Hermione.  
  
Suddenly, McGonagall came in and noticed the huge hole in the ceiling.  
  
"HOLY CHRISTMAS!" shrieked McGonagall. "WHAT HAPPENED HERE-" but then, she noticed the sandwich on the table.  
  
"Oh, goody!" she said, forgetting about the hole.  
  
"You've gotta be kidding me." Breathed Hermione.

* * *

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron were flying off to the location of the NEWT answers without directions.  
  
But somehow, they made it to the exact location with minimal trouble.  
  
"Wait..." said Ron, "Harry, how did you know where to go?"  
  
Harry smiled. "I just followed the North Star!"  
  
"Harry..." said Ron slowly, that star... is not the North Star.  
  
"Oh." Said Harry, touching down on some clear land.  
  
Both Harry and Ron surveyed the NEWT-guarding scene. It was just a small island way out there... surrounded by miles of sea... no perils in sight...  
  
"Oh, yes!" shouted Ron. "Let's go!"  
  
But they were immediately stopped by a huge Hungarian Horntail popping up out of virtually nowhere.

* * *

Review! 


	45. Don't Let Them Take the President!

Hmm, okay, yeah! I have a problem. My reviews as seen on the story page are actually AHEAD of the reviews that show on the review page! So, that means... I have no idea what review we're up to. Sorry, I can't determine the 600th reviewer. Oh, darn!  
  
But on a better note... CAG!  
  
Oh yeah, starting next chapter, I'm doing responses again, w00t!  
  
Disclaimer: La!

* * *

After destroying the Hungarian Horntail an energy blast, Harry carried Ron across the water towards the NEWT answers. He was, of course, flying.  
  
"I am?" said Harry, surfacing from the water. "Oh."  
  
Harry, carrying Ron, flew over and touched down on the small island. But they didn't see NEWT answers.  
  
Mainly because they were currently being attacked by many, many present and past American Presidents. They were, of course, (even though they didn't know it) on American soil, yet again.  
  
"DIEEE!" screamed George Bush, using his karate skills to break through Ron's weak defense. Meanwhile, George Bush senior was being pulverized by Harry.  
  
"Daddy!" shouted Bush junior, and he ran over to help. But Harry punched him... into Bill Clinton!  
  
"What!?" shouted Bill. "No one punches my successor into me!"  
  
Bill ran at Harry with speed never before matched, and did a quick sweep- kick. Harry tripped, and Bill tried to take advantage by punching at Harry's torso. But Harry caught Bill's hand, and somehow flipped him over as he fell.  
  
"Is that it? Three presidents?" asked Ron.  
  
"I guess so." Said Harry.  
  
After 5.77 seconds of searching, Harry found the answers. They were in a little blue box, guarded with a simple lock... levitating 500 feet off of the ground.  
  
"Easy, I'll fly up!" said Harry.  
  
But that's when they were stopped by the astounding sight of Abraham Lincoln dropping down from literally nowhere.  
  
Lincoln held out his cupped palm, and made a "bring it" motion with it.  
  
"Bring it."

* * *

Ah, review. 


	46. Ron Kills Lincoln

Hehehe... this will be fun... The story page says I now have over 600 reviews. So...

[Insert Page-Long "yeah" here]

Must I say more?

* * *

Responses: They're back!  
  
Sweet Ketchup: I've been thinking of what to say to you. And I have this to say:  
  
I think that it's HIGHLY unlikely that my reviewers feel sorry for me and/or are idiots. Okay, maybe SOME are idiots, but most aren't. But I'm not going to convince you. I'll let you hate this story in peace.  
  
SpongeBob: Aye, I cannot tell who my 600th reviewer is. But, since you want it so much, I'll add your name to my word dictionary! Hahaha!  
  
SMGIRL1989: You are one funny girl.  
  
Dragon Rider 22: Presidents are funny, yo.  
  
Tragic Fantasy: I agree!  
  
Penelope Richmond: Ok, cool.  
  
Ash Vault Rose Garden: Why, thank you.  
  
John: I DON'T KNOW!  
  
Hawk: (o) !!!

* * *

Disclaimer: Hubert!  
  
Lincoln stared at the two young wizards, and the two stared back. All was silent.  
  
And then, Lincoln threw his top-hat at the two.  
  
They both jumped back, but then they realized it was a top-hat.  
  
"Ha!" said Harry out loud. "Lincoln must have gone crazy in over a century!" he picked up the hat. "What's a TOP-HAT GOING TO-?"  
  
Then, the hat exploded in his hands.  
  
He immediately was knocked to the ground. He was unconscious.  
  
"Now for you!" said Lincoln, rounding on Ron with a karate stance.  
  
"Oh, shoot." Said Ron. "How am I going to fight off a 150 year-old president?"  
  
And then, a puff of wind immediately knocked Lincoln over.  
  
Throwing caution and all references of history to the winds, Ron jumped on top of Lincoln and beat the living stuffing out of him. With every punch he gained more strength, until he was punching with strength about 71% of Harry's.  
  
"M... MERCY!" screamed Lincoln.  
  
Ron got off. Lincoln stood up, very painfully. He had two black eyes, and his very neat suit wasn't so neat no more.  
  
"I must say..." breathed Lincoln, 4 score and a whole lot of years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed anyone could beat me in combat..."  
  
And then he keeled over, dead.  
  
"I just killed Abraham Lincoln..." breathed Ron. He got over it in 4.1 seconds. The fact that Lincoln was assassinated more than a century ago added to the recovery time.  
  
Harry woke up out of nowhere.  
  
"Harry! I BEAT LINCOLN!" shouted Ron.  
  
"Very good. I beat George Bush Jr. and Senior."  
  
"Touché."  
  
Harry looked upwards. The levitating box was still there. Harry flew up, and snagged it!  
  
"Yeah!" screamed Ron and Harry at the same time.  
  
Harry descended and broke the lock open. The NEWT answers gleamed back at them, somehow.  
  
"Very good, Harry." Said Ron.  
  
"Very good, Ron." said Harry.  
  
"Very good, boys." Said McGonagall.

* * *

Review! 


	47. The Kiss 3

An update! Because you've been so patient.

* * *

Responses:  
  
Spongebob: How I wish I could.  
  
Ash: Thanks for the review. They are always... interesting...  
  
John: I totally agree.  
  
SMGIRL1989: I didn't either..  
  
Dragon Rider22: Yes I am!  
  
Camryn: I should do that...  
  
Caitlin Cat: 98.55 average!? Holy Hannah!  
  
Sophiethedevil: Nooooo!!!!!!!111!!!oneone  
  
Meenyrocks: Ahem... thanks...  
  
Phred doesn't like you: Cool!  
  
Tessa: OK!  
  
God's lil' weirdo: Trust me, I missed your... weirdness.  
  
Hawk: Right on!  
  
Spicy Sugar: I read it... and then the dagger at the end...  
  
Bobfredda: I saw your bio...  
  
ChibiiChan: I WILL!  
  
Phew!

* * *

Disclaimer: You too!  
  
Harry and Ron knew that they were in trouble. They knew that they were possibly in the worst trouble of their lives. They were- to put it simply- trapped.  
  
They had just stolen the NEWT answers (not to mention killed a dead president) with Professor McGonagall watching them all of the time. And the one thing Harry really wished he had right now was-  
  
"Spider-Sense." Said Harry. "If I had Spider-Sense, I would definitely have sensed McGonagall."  
  
Ron felt very sick.  
  
"You boys do know you're in danger of being expelled, right?" said McGonagall seriously. "In fact, you did such a bad thing, that they might not just expel you, but they also..."  
  
"Also... what?" said Ron shakily.  
  
"They might also expel... YO' MAMA!" shrieked McGonagall crazily.  
  
Harry and Ron looked at each other, and then at McGonagall.  
  
"Oh, sorry." Said McGonagall quickly. "I forgot to take my pills."  
  
McGonagall took her pills.  
  
"Alright!" said McGonagall. "Now, boys, in my pre-pilled crazy state, I seemed to have forgotten that stealing the NEWT answers falls under the category of IMMEDIATE expulsion."  
  
"No..." gasped Ron, falling to the ground.  
  
Harry was just silent. He felt bad about being expelled, but he felt even worse about getting Ron expelled, too.  
  
"Hey, why are you two boys like this?" asked McGonagall, with a surprising look of concern. "You've been expelled like, 20 times before..."  
  
"AND WE'VE ALWAYS FELT THIS WAY AFTERWARDS!" shouted Harry.  
  
"Oh, I forgot. I mean, Mr. Potter, I do not like your tone!"  
  
"AND WE'VE ALWAYS FELT THIS WAY AFTERWARDS!" shouted Harry. In a very, very high tone.  
  
"Thank you." Said McGonagall. "That is much better."  
  
"I know." Said Harry. But he really didn't, he wanted to stall for time.  
  
"Well, Potter, I'm sorry, but I must say that you are officially expelled from-"  
  
"WAIT!" screamed Harry. "I... I'll... GIVE YOU MONEY if you don't expel us!"  
  
"Potter, you can't be serious!"  
  
"I know..." said Harry miserably.  
  
"My only bribes are KISSES!"  
  
And before Harry could react, McGonagall delivered 3 quick kisses to his cheek, 7 to his forehead, and a big, giant, huge, SLOPPY, WET kiss on his lips.  
  
As Harry fainted and Ron threw up, McGonagall turned on her heel, walked off, and said-  
  
"Consider yourselves- reinstated."

* * *

Ah... review!


	48. I hate birds

All right, because I feel like it, and because a little bird who wasn't really that little and wasn't really that much of a bird told me to, this story will end.  
  
Oh, and I'm not doing responses, because the story is ending.

* * *

Harry Potter got a perfect score on his NEWTs, but then Voldemort came back and killed everyone. Yeah.  
  
Voldemort eventually ruled the world.  
  
The end.

* * *

Yep, that's it, the last chapter. The VERY last chapter. No kidding, the last, LAST, LAST, LAST, LAST, LAST chapter, ever, ever, EVER, EVER, **_EEEEEVVVVVVAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!_**  
  
And there will be no sequel.  
  
Really.  
  
I'm not kidding, no sequel.  
  
Really.  
  
Don't look at me like that. 


	49. Gotcha

Gotcha. Ha ha.

Story continues:

**_later._**


	50. Preparation

Okay, okay, here's the new chapter you wanted.  
  
I'll start responses up again after this chapter.  
  
And the Moral is:  
  
**Moral guy:** Eh? You crazy kids, leave me to my rest!  
  
Okay...  
  
Disclaimer: Shoo!  
  
Harry took a deep, deep breath.  
  
Even though he knew all of the answers to every one of the writing exams, he was still nervous. He picked up his quill, stared at the NEWT paper, and then started... TO WRITE!  
  
BUT WAIT! He wasn't yet ready. He new that number one was A, but there was some sort of... invisible wall in his mind that was somehow physically blocking him form the paper...  
  
"Oh, sorry, Harry, I forgot this." Said the examination wizard who was just passing by, quickly taking away what seemed to be some sort of invisible wall.  
  
Harry was now ready. He took a deep, deep breath. And then a deeper one. Deeper... deeper... deeeeeeeeper... deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeper... deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeper...  
  
Wait, he hadn't released it yet!  
  
"ACK! AIR! I NEED AIR!" gasped Harry.  
  
He quickly released the breath, and let air flow into his lungs.  
  
"Phew." Said Harry, breathing hard. He picked up his quill. It was a very good quill... anti-cheating spells lined its lining... wait a minute, since when did quills have lining?  
  
Harry pushed this obscure thought out of his head. "Quills have always had lining," he reassured himself. Then why was he so afraid? Wait, since when was he afraid? Since now, obviously.  
  
He wondered what he was afraid of. And then he realized- **THE QUILL!  
**  
"NO!" gasped Harry. It had an anti-cheating spell on it! He knew that he wasn't cheating at the present, but he HAD memorized the answers... what if the quill detected that?  
  
No, no, Hermione had said that the quill detected the heartbeat of the user. If it was irregular, then it detected all of the other vital signs... it would know if you are up to no good... or dead...  
  
But at least Harry's heart wasn't beating all that fast.  
  
WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE! YES IT WAS!!!  
  
"AAAAUGH!" screamed Harry at the top of his lungs. But the heart beat louder- _louder-_ _LOUDER_- **_LOUDER!!!!!!  
_  
_THE QUILL WAS SCREAMING! HARRY WAS ON FIRE! THE TITLE ACTUALLY MADE SENSE NOW! AND, BY GOODNESS, WHAT WAS THAT ANNOYING BEEPING SOUND?  
_**

Harry's alarm was beeping.

Harry Potter woke up on the day of the (actual) NEWTs exams.  
  
"Oh, just a dream."  
  
Later, Harry sat in his exam seat.  
  
He took a deep, deep breath. 


	51. Execution

Yes, updating on time. I'm full of surprises.  
  
Responses: John: I know it made sense!  
  
EvilGreenCucumber: Another name change? I like it. And yes, the idea was original... who could I have ripped it off from?  
  
Hawk: Only if the story ends...  
  
Casey Windsor: I always like these reviews.  
  
The Wolf's Pen: I'd think you would.  
  
Bob fredda: Just like me.  
  
Penelope Richmond: That idea never fails.  
  
Okay! Here we go!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own him... oh my gosh, a real disclaimer!

* * *

"IT... IS... OVER!!!" screamed Harry at the top of his lungs.  
  
The whole NEWT room looked at him.  
  
"Yes, Mister Potter," said McGonagall (who was hidden in plain sight), "that's the end of the FIRST PAGE of the FIRST TEST of the FIRST DAY. Please turn the page."  
  
Harry groaned out loud.  
  
"It's okay, brother." Sang Malfoy in a mocking way.  
  
This made a shocked Harry jump.  
  
4 Days later...  
  
"IT... IS... OVER!!!" screamed Harry at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Yes," said Hermione, "and it's been over for a day."  
  
"I can't get anything right." Said Harry slowly.  
  
"We know." Said Ron. "Now all we have to do is worry about what the heck we're going to do when our scores come back."  
  
"I know what I'm going to do." Said Hermione.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm going to go into-"  
  
But before she could finish her sentence, she suddenly stopped short.  
  
"What?" asked Ron.  
  
But Hermione couldn't finish her sentence for a very good reason.'  
  
Maybe it was because her stomach had been pierced by a (very familiar looking) energy blast from above.  
  
"What the-," said Ron, suddenly jumping up. He looked to the sky. And his eyes widened.  
  
"Oh, no... It's... RID"  
  
But then he was felled by an energy blast, too.  
  
Harry couldn't believe this. In just 3 short seconds, both of his friends had been... no, he wouldn't dare to believe it... they had been shot at... by...  
  
"ME!" screamed Riddle, high above the ground.  
  
"YOU!" screamed Harry, firmly on the ground, and rising.  
  
Wait a second, how did Riddle know to shout "Me" at that time? This question was NOT burning in Harry's mind as he called on his Super S... ahem, I mean, super... Human Powers, and flew up to meet Riddle in the air.  
  
"You think that your pathetic bone-crushing attacks could've killed me?" said Riddle happily. "No, I was only at the BRINK of death! But I recovered- and then began to TRAIN! And now I can get back at YOU!"  
  
Harry just stared into Riddle's eyes.  
  
Many people below were all looking up in wonder.  
  
"First, I have broken your heart." Said Riddle maliciously, pointing to where he hit Ron and Hermione. "Now, I will break every bone in your body!"  
  
He lashed out with a vicious right. But Harry caught it before it could hit.  
  
Riddle looked mildly surprised.  
  
"Let's do this." Said Harry coldly.

* * *

Review! 


	52. Yikes!

666 REVIEWS!? LIKE, OH NOES!!!!!!!  
  
But who cares? It'll increase by the time you read this.  
  
Responses:  
  
This time, I'm giving you cute, shorter, not-too-thoughtful nicknames!  
  
John: Did you say music?  
  
GLW: I got it... obviously...  
  
Spicy: Well, when writing a story that's been going on for months, you kind of... forget the last epic battle... but since reading takes like an hour, you kind of remember, and that's why it seems like I'm flooding the story with epic battles to you, and not to me... but yeah, this is the SPOILER last epic battle between them END SPOILER. Ha, that spoiler wasn't well hidden enough.  
  
1989: Okay, okay!  
  
Dragon: I do too.  
  
Pen: Ahoy!  
  
Disclaimer: Get ready for the best first sentence of a chapter... ever!

* * *

BAM!  
  
Harry decked Riddle towards the ground with a hard right. Riddle hit the ground rather painfully, considering that he left a huge crater there.  
  
Ever single (living) student in Hogwarts was now either watching from one of the castle towers or running away from the direct battle area to watch it from the castle towers. Harry suddenly realized that- they could get hurt!  
  
"HEY, ALL OF YOU! GO INSIDE THE CASTLE!" he shouted, but no one paid him any attention.  
  
Harry was getting really frustrated. He took out his wand to amplify his voice- and was immediately struck by a torture curse- while still floating in midair.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" screamed Harry. He was blinded by the pain... he was flailing around in midair... he knew that his wand was currently falling to its demise, but he was a bit preoccupied with the unbearable pain at the moment... and the fact that he was now falling too...  
  
"Now, Harry Potter..." whispered Riddle, putting away his wand as Harry fell through the air, "we finish this..."  
  
Harry hit the ground, still twitching. If he wasn't a Super Human, he would have been dead.  
  
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" shouted Riddle, very evilly. Johnson would have been proud.  
  
The entire school gasped as the curse left Riddle's wand, illuminated the whole area with a sickly greenish glow... and zoned in on Harry's weak body...  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Dumbledore, bursting out of the Entrance doors and sprinting over to Harry with superhuman speed. A few students in the towers groaned at the lameness of this interruption, but then gasped as Dumbledore did a very amazing thing-  
  
He took the curse for Harry.  
  
Harry's first thought as he saw, through a haze of pain, the old, great wizard fall, was-  
  
"Oh, come on, you mean HE'S being killed off, too?"  
  
But then he came to his senses, and realized what Riddle had done.  
  
"Heh..." said Riddle, chuckling to himself. "Well, that's half of my problems gone..."  
  
Harry got up off of the ground. He shook his head. And then shook it again. And then shook it again. And then he looked at the man in front of him.  
  
What was he doing? No, that couldn't be right.  
  
Was this man laughing?  
  
Then Harry felt a shiver down his spine.  
  
Riddle finally looked up, and saw what was happening. And he didn't believe it.  
  
Harry was shaking very violently, and it wasn't just him. With every vibration of his body, the ground shook two times as hard. Of course, this was the only thing that could get the Hogwarts students to actually go inside, so they... went.  
  
"What the-?" said Riddle in surprise.  
  
Suddenly, lighting streaked across the clear blue sky. It streaked with such intensity that Riddle actually had to close his eyes.  
  
And when he opened them... when he opened them...  
  
He really wished that he hadn't.  
  
The only thing Riddle could make out was-  
  
"W-what are you!?"

* * *

Wow. Review. 


	53. Is it over?

Hmm... Almost 700 reviews. Nice.

Are you ready for responses!?

Casey: You're welcome.

Bobby: You've just made my day.

Hawk: Great!

Criminal: ... ... ...

SpongeBob: Uh... who now?

Dragon Rider: Too hot to type... nice one!

Wolf: You messed up my review page! But thanks for your happiness, it is greatly appreciated.

John: Mm Hmm!

Phred: I am!

Chan: Heh... cool...

Ash: Gotta love those reviews.

Casey: Thank you.

Pen: Um... okay?

Anyway, let's get dangerous!

* * *

Disclaimer: Darkwing Duck™!

"What am I?" came the voice from where Harry was standing.

"Yes, I would really like to know," replied Riddle, "And don't say 'your worst nightmare,' this story is already too saturated with lines like that."

"I can't be your worst nightmare..." said Harry, "Because... I'm real."

And right then, endless bolts of lightning streaked across the sky. And an expression crossed Riddle's face that had seldom dared make it known on the surface of his face before, an expression that no one would ever think Riddle could ever have: fear.

"YAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Harry in a shout that shook the very ground and uprooted very, very thin and weak plants (that, oddly enough, McGonagall planted). He jumped towards Riddle- and before Riddle could get in a word in edgewise- he grabbed his neck.

"Ack... ack..." coughed Riddle, quailing under the tight grip. He looked at, from his point of view, a very blurry... and murderous Harry.

And that Harry couldn't help but cracking a smile. "It's over." He said, with a finishing tone in his voice.

**_SNAP._**

As soon as the deed was finished, Harry immediately felt weak. He fell to the ground, no longer a Super Human (or whatever he just was), but now a 17-year-old boy... who had just saved the world... again... for, like, the 65th time...

But why did he still feel so sad?

"I can't bring them back." Said Harry suddenly, just realizing it.

"There is... a way."

Harry turned around immediately. It was McGonagall.

"Even though you just... sniff... ruined my plants, I'll still tell you the way. However, it is very dangerous... and life-threatening."

"Tell me." Said Harry right away.

"Well... since they have just recently departed, it IS possible to get them back... but magic will do you no good, only those that... well... have your powers are going to be able to have a shot..."

"What do I do?"

"Head for the ministry of magic. Department of Mysteries section. Remember that veil that Sirius fell through? Well, now, he's gone... but the others are probably still at the entrance."

"But... if I go through, what'll happen-?"

"Harry, you have immense power, I am confident you can resist any force that tries to pull you away... I think... maybe you... ahem... ANYWAY, of course, this whole thing is a long shot..."

But Harry was long gone.

* * *

Review.


	54. The Stupidest Act

Yay, over 700 reviews. But I'm tired. So here's your 700-review party:

**This is the 700-Review party.**

Yay.

Due to the incredible amount of confetti and responses, I'll have to start them over next chapter!

* * *

But for now: Disclaimer: Now!

Location: The Ministry of Magic main building.

Deep in the Department of Mysteries, far back in a corner of what would be a nondescript room, despite the huge "veil" flapping about, stood a man. A very haggard-looking man.

But who he was, and why he was there, no one will ever know.

Suddenly, Harry burst through the wall with a loud CRASH!

"Who are you?" he said immediately at the stranger.

"Who aren't I?" said the man very quickly before jumping out of the window.

Harry shook his head. "Who was that man?"

"Who is that woman..." came the fading shout from outside. And then Harry heard a dull thump.

Pushing all thoughts of that man out of his head, he crossed over to the conspicuous-looking Veil in the corner of the room. He heard voices whispering... they seemed to be aware of his presence... should he turn back? No, he couldn't now...

Every step seemed to echo through the entire room, louder and louder, and none of the echoes seemed to be fading away... his ears could hardly bear it... and the whisperers seemed to be... MOCKING him? They couldn't! They wouldn't!

"NEVER!" Harry screamed, (and in the most stupid action of his life) and unleashed a HUGE blast of energy on the veil. It totally ripped apart... for a split second, Harry saw beyond the veil... but after a split second, he could see no farther, because what seemed like a whole LOT of wind began to rush past him... and a whole lot of excited whispering rushing past...

"You gotta be kidding me..." said Harry dejectedly.

* * *

Oh no. Review.


	55. I See Dead People

Now with 50% less acid!

**L-L-L-L-LINE BREAK!**

Responses: hry pttr: I love it when people review many chapters at once. Let that be a lesson to you: review many chapters today!

Anonymouse: I know I'm twisted. I'm typing backwards now.

Bobfredda: YAY!

God's lil' weirdo: Did I ever tell you that I love your name? I'm updating.

Phred: You JUST noticed that?

Haley: Thank you.

Mousey: I never, ever get tired of praise.

Spicy: You made me feel guilty... so I made this chapter 200 words longer...

Tessa: Thank you... again!

Pen: Yep, I love those cliffies.

Some person: So, you knew that it was DBZ too...

**L-L-L-L-LINE BREAK!**

Disclaimer: Yip!

"Harry, you are one total idiot." Said Hermione, who was back to life, of course.

"Yeah, I know..." said Harry miserably.

They were sitting in the Great Hall for breakfast. Except it wasn't really breakfast, it was pandemonium.

"Really, mate..." said Ron, shaking his head, "How thick do you have to be to UNLEASH ABOUT 500 DEAD PEOPLE from behind the veil!? You even brought them back to life!"

"Well, look on the bright side..." said Harry hopefully.

"What bright side?" said Hermione scathingly.

"This one." Harry pointed to the bright side of the room. The candles on their side had inevitably burned out.

"Okay, I'm looking." Said Hermione, feeling kind of silly. "Why did I look?"

"Who's sitting there?"

"Riddle."

"Exactly."

"How's that good? So what if you had to beat him into submission again in a chapter oddly similar to Chapter 53?"

"Hermione, I do not know what all this talk about chapters is about, but I do know that since Riddle is now not a threat and you, Ron and Dumbledore are back to life, everything will be just fine."

Suddenly, the flurry of owls arrived. Hermione reached up and caught her "Daily Prophet."

"Er, Harry, I sincerely disagree..." said Hermione slowly.

Ron looked at the headline. "Wow... just... wow..."

"What?" said Harry as he took the paper from Hermione. The front-page headline read:

**EVERYTHING IS _NOT FINE!_**

"What!?" Harry quickly scanned the article. Of course, scanning an article means you do not pick up anything but the most important details. These are the important details Harry picked up:

Harry Potter

Likes

Cheese

And

But then,

Ghosts

Not

Ghosts

Take over

The Bathroom!

I see Dead People

Dead people take

Over

Hogsmeade!

What the article actually said was:

Harry Potter Likes Cheese And But Then Ghosts Not Ghosts Take Over The Bathroom! I see Dead People Dead people take Over Hogsmeade **today.**

Bolded words are words that Harry missed due to scanning the article quickly.

Needless to say, the writer of that article was immediately fired.

"We've got to get to Hogsmeade and find out what this is about!" shouted Harry immediately.

"But how?" asked Ron and Hermione at the same time.

"What do you mean!? We just go there!"

"Oh no you DON'T!" said McGonagall suddenly, standing up in front of them. "no students are permitted into Hogsmeade if it's not a planned visit..."

"Look, a sandwich!" said Ron suddenly, springing up.

"Mr. Weasley, I am insulted that you think I would fall to such a primitive trick like that,"

"WITH CHEESE!"

"Oh, where?" said McGonagall suddenly, turning around, looking for the sandwich.

Harry, Ron and Hermione were long gone by the time she actually found it.

**L-L-L-L-LINE BREAK!**

"This... is scary." Said Harry as he, along with a steadily increasing crowd, stared at the gathering of the recently-deceased-but-now-revived in the middle of the town.

Actually, the dead-but-now-alive were just standing around, doing nothing, but now, one of them waved his hands up in the air for attention. He was about to speak!

"This should be good..." whispered Hermione.

**L-L-L-L-LINE BREAK!**

Review!


	56. Some Old People Die

Did I ever tell you reviewers that I loved you?

Share the love! Bring a story to 800 reviews.

Okay, Response time. Due to the incredible flow of reviews, it's only the last 15 at most (AKA the newest page of reviews).

Rednal: Thank you for entertaining me... and reviewing a lot.

Ash: Poor, poor, Yugi...

Sophie: Yay for you!

Meeny: No, it's just everyone who died recently.

Hawk: That does work...

Wolf: Over there!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

"We are taking over!" shouted the undead person at the center of the crowd.

"EEEEEEK!" screamed just about everyone besides Hermione.

"Ron, Harry calm down!" she said, shocked.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?" they shouted. "IT'S UNDEAD PEOPLE!!!"

Hermione smacked her head exasperatedly. "First of all, RON, you and I are one of those "un-dead" people, and second, they don't have any extra powers, THEY'RE JUST NORMAL PEOPLE!"

However, Ron and Harry weren't listening; they were just cowering in fear as a very old-looking wizard just glared at them. "Move over there!" she said very feebly and not at all menacingly.

Harry and Ron obeyed without the slightest delay.

Hermione watched in disbelief as the people all around her slowly but surely obeyed each of the supposed "undead" peoples' commands. She couldn't believe it. Not one threat or even a hostile gesture had been made, everyone just moved.

"Why must I be surrounded by idiots?" sighed Hermione, looking to the heavens.

"Because I had to put them somewhere." Responded a very, very deep voice.

Hermione nearly jumped out of her skin.

* * *

By now, the town was just about taken over. Hermione was basically the only person left who hadn't moved into captivity yet.

"YOU THERE!" shouted the old lady, suddenly noticing this very fact. "GET OVER THERE!"

"No." said Hermione, glad to finally take a stand.

Everyone gasped.

"What did you say!?" the old woman shrieked.

"No! You can't do anything, you're an old lady!"

The whole town gasped again.

"Oh, a feisty one, eh? Well, take THIS!" she threw a big gust of air at Hermione.

Or, if you wanted to be all "politically correct", you can say she just threw a meaningless punch at long range.

Hermione would've laughed, except that it was just too pathetic.

"FINE THEN!" shrieked the old woman. "I guess I'll have to... a-ack..."

And then she fell to the ground, dead. So did just about every other old person who had come back from the dead.

"Huh!? What? Eh? Hm? Argh? Um? Yo? Hooey?" said the town members in perfect synchronism. "What happened?"

"Well," said Hermione, very shaken up but still relieved, "I guess... those old people all died of natural causes... and when they came back to life, it was only a matter of time before they died... again... of natural causes!"

"Wow, how'd you know that?" asked Harry, stepping forward from where the towns people were sitting.

"It's just a guess..." 

"A very specific and accurate guess." Whispered Ron to no one in particular.

SMACK!

"Ow, why'd you smack me!?" shouted Ron, turning to the young woman behind him.

"Because... your butt is in my face!"

"Oh, sorry."

"Apology accepted."

SMACK!

"Ow!"


	57. Reflections

Hey, I made a new story.

Check it out; it has more of the craziness and less of the plot...

Oh yeah, I have 800 reviews. YES! 800-review party!

Whatever.

John: I'm sorry...

GLW: Yes, I'm updating...

Pen: Thank you, you too.

Bobfredda: Yay!

Tori: Yes! Another one!

Wolfy: He died 2 years ago... he's already gone past the veil or whatever...

Smooth Criminal: Very little planning...

Blink: I like pie.

Tapdancer: Um....

Hawk: Yep.

Horror: Uh... I forgot...

Spicy: Yes, it is okay.

Disclaimer: Queen!

* * *

"Harry, WAKE UP!" screamed Ron, shaking Harry's sleeping frame vigorously.

"What..?" mumbled Harry, rubbing his eyes.

"YOU... HAVE... GOT... TO... WAKE... UP!!!" screamed Ron, stomping his feet with each word.

"WH-why...?" slurred Harry.

"Um... hey, what do ya' know... you really don't have to, it's the last week of school, we're off..."

"Ron, did I ever tell you that I hated you?"

"No, but once you told me I was a sexy beast."

"Oh yeah..."

* * *

Hermione watched her reflection in the beautiful Hogwarts Lake. She was older now, and she could sense a distinct trace of maturity in her features. Was it even possible to sense maturity? Maybe...

Hermione reflected.

* * *

"Hey, what's Hermione doing over there?" asked Harry, pointing to the far-off figure beside the lake.

"I don't know..." said Ron. "Reflecting?"

"But she's not a mirror!"

The lameness of that joke actually knocked Ron down.

"Harry..." grumbled Ron, his nose in the grass.

"Yeah, Ron?"

"Did I ever tell you that you're an idiot?"

"No, but once you told me I made you think some... thoughts..."

"Oh yeah..."

* * *

It was their First Year. She had... foolishly, actually, locked herself in the Girls Bathroom, and she paid for it... a Mountain Troll had broken in and it had somehow lead itself to her bathroom...

She wasn't friends with Harry and Ron yet, but when they saved her life, they sure had become friends...

"Harry, tell me again why we're in here, facing certain death?" asked an eleven-year-old Ron nervously.

"Um... I don't know, really..." responded a really, really, really short Harry. "let's go..."

"YOU TWO THICK NUMBSKULLS!!!" screamed Hermione. "MY LIFE IS IN DANGER HERE!"

"Oh yeah..."

The screaming seemed to aggravate the troll even further. It raised its club...

"EEEEEEEEEE!!!" screamed Hermione.

Of course, this was the part when Ron stepped in.

"HI... YAK!" shrieked Ron, delivering a swift karate kick to the Troll's backside.

Very surprisingly, the Troll actually fell, howling in pain.

"Wow..." said Ron. "I guess these new sharp-metal-spike-tipped-boots really do come in handy..."

But the Troll wasn't down for long. It slowly propped itself up...

"HELP! IT'S GETTING BACK UP!!!"

"Okay!" said Harry, jumping in. "It's MY TURN now!"

* * *

Oh noes! The Mountain Troll battle re-done! Review!


	58. Reflections part 2

Oh yeah! Here we go!

Ash: No, NOT THE CLOSET! Have you any consideration for Yugi?

Blink: I like pie.

Rednal: Next chapter... up? Okay.

Hawk: You checked it out, yes you did.

Meeny: Why, thank you.

Dragon Rider: Chapters like that got that story taken down... ï 


	59. Reflections part 3

DO YOU WANT THE TRUTH!?

Well, you can't handle the truth.

Disclaimer: Sigh!?

* * *

"You know, Harry, shouldn't we be worried that Hermione has been staring into space for the past few hours?"

"No, Ron," responded Harry, "I wouldn't worry. I'd worry more about sleeping."

"SLEEPING!?" gasped Ron. "Why sleeping!?"

"Because," said Harry, "It's 11:30 at night. We've been watching Hermione all this time."

"Harry, we don't have a life." Sighed Ron.

"I think so too, friend. So while we're sitting here, why don't we just... er... reminisce?'

"Whoa, mate, you lost me at 'sitting.'"

Harry slapped himself on the head. "ANYWAY... remember our second year?"

"No."

"Yeah, with the flying car? Your DAD'S car?"

"No."

"And with the Whomping Willow?"

"No."

"And with the CHAMBER OF SECRETS?"

"Yes. I mean, no."

"GILDEROY LOCKHART!?"

"Er... no..." said Ron, his ears growing pink, hiding his locket of Lockhart.

"Anyway, the thing I remember most is my Battle with Tom Marvolo Riddle, AKA Voldemort."

Shudder.

"Yep..." said Harry, looking off into the distance. "I remember it like it was some sort of humorous flashback..."

* * *

Harry knew he was going to die. It was like, one look into the eyes of the Basilisk, and... That was it...

Closing his eyes and gripping the mysterious sword he had pulled out of that Hat, and the hideous hiss of Riddle's Parsletongue in his ears, Harry sensed where he thought the Basilisk was lurking, and took a huge swipe.

And he hit the Basilisk!

But sadly, it was with the flat edge of the sword. Not only did this NOT cause much harm to the snake, it got it riled up even more.

"Mmrph!" cursed Harry through a closed mouth (which was kind of pointless, really). But as soon as Harry cursed, the Basilisk STRUCK-!

Harry heard a very loud CLANG and fell to the floor. Daring to open his eyes for one bit, he found that the Basilisk's fangs had struck- and dented- his Gryffindor sword, not him.

"CURSE YOU, POTTER!" screamed Tom Riddle. "CURSE YOU AND YOUR ACCURSED POTTER LUCK!"

"Potter luck!?" laughed Harry. "Yeah right, I don't have any kind of luck!"

"And that's why my Basilisk missed you exactly 27 times this night, correct!?" said Tom coldly.

"I counted 28..."

"KILL HIM!" screamed Riddle again. Harry impulsively rolled to the side. Due to his aforementioned "Potter Luck," the Basilisk missed him totally... yet again. But this time Harry was in a bit of trouble. He was on his back, in a totally prone position. The Basilisk could easily get him now...

"Yes..." said Riddle. "This is it..."

"This IS it..." thought Harry. "It is... I'm gonna die... unless..."

Harry, in an incredibly brave and brash move, flipped over onto his stomach and held his sword very firmly and parallel to himself. The Basilisk's fangs crashed down onto the sword... but not Harry.

Yet this all didn't matter, as Harry had (stupidly) forgotten to close his eyes as he did this. The Basilisk's eyes met his, and Harry saw the face of death.

"Finally..." sneered Riddle, "It IS over..."

* * *

It's not over.


	60. Just no

Funny thing about time. I don't have enough of it.

* * *

On a side note, what the #$! Is C2? Ultra-complicated and/or technical definitions supplied by the staff will not help this non-computer savvy guy here. But enough.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not responding to them, so since there are so many reviews, I can't respond to them all today... but maybe when I have more of that TIME.

Disclaimer: I love you...

* * *

The first thing Harry felt as he stared into the Basilisk's cold, yellow eyes was fear. Cold fear, seizing him, cutting his breath short, shaking his every bone. He was going to die... and he was afraid.

The second thing he felt was that odd feeling you get when you watch something on TV that's just so below your intelligence level you want to keep it on... just to laugh at it.

Wait a minute...

Harry suddenly saw an image appear in the Basilisk's eyes. It shocked Harry more than anything, and it also filled his head with many questions and doubts.

The image that Harry saw in the Basilisk's eyes... the image that made people quiver in fear... the image that literally meant death to even the mightiest warrior when gazed upon...

Was the image of... **_BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR!?!?_**

"YESSSS!!!!" screamed Riddle at the top of his lungs. "YES!!!! NO ONE CAN SURVIVE AFTER AN ATTACK SUCH AS THAT!!! NO ONE!!! YESS!!!!!"

"Sorry..." said Harry, nonchalantly averting his gaze (while still keeping the Basilisk at bay), "I used to... ahem... I used to... like... Barney..."

Riddle nearly fainted.

Harry thought this would be a mighty good time to escape (not only his certain death, but his embarrassment), so he rolled to the side. The Basilisk, who was still pressing forwards as hard as it could, immediately plunged to the ground as soon as Harry stopped resisting against it.

Quite accidentally, actually, it fell onto Riddle's Diary.

And also quite accidentally, one of its fangs pierced it.

And, as the biggest accident of all, Fawkes the Phoenix somehow found its way down into the Chamber of Secrets and started pecking at Harry's feet.

"Stupid bird..." grumbled Harry.

Fawkes, looking highly offended, flew off.

"No..." said Riddle, staring at the Diary, his eyes wide. "NOOOOOOOOO-"

He then exploded in a flash of light.

"Amazing..." said Harry, not amazed in the least. However, he was really quite relieved. But then he remembered Ginny.

"GINNY!" shouted Harry, rushing over to her. "Are you okay!?"

She didn't move one bit.

Harry lifted his head to the chamber ceiling.

"GINNY! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"Shut up, Harry..." grumbled Ginny.

Harry's head snapped down to her. "You're..."

"I'm waking up from a nap, is all..." said Ginny, yawning. "I'll probably go back to swooning over you in a few minutes..."

So Ginny was really sleeping the whole time. Harry had half a mind to leave her here.

* * *

Eventually, Ginny woke up, and her and Harry went to meet up with Ron and Lockhart, but they realized with Fawkes gone, they couldn't get back up to the castle, but then Harry realized the Basilisk was still alive, but instead of killing them all it actually agreed to help them and get them back up to the castle, and then Harry and Ron both got 400 points to Gryffindor upon returning even though Ron did absolutely squat, and everybody got un-petrified, and the Basilisk is still living down there in the Chamber of Secrets to this day, and the author learned how to use periods in sentences.

* * *

Don't ask questions, it's bad for you.


	61. Filler Chapter!

Darkboy77 rises back from the supposed dead

* * *

Hm, with all that studying, I think it's time to put up a filler chapter!

Which doesn't count in the actual storyline, as if you didn't know!

* * *

"Hey, look!" said Ron, nudging Harry awake in his bed. He pointed towards the dorm window. "Hermione's actually getting up and moving away from that one spot she's occupied for hours!"

"Took her long enough..." mumbled Harry. "I wonder why?"

"Well, Harry..." said Ron, "I think it's because... um..."

"Well?"

"Sorry..." said Ron. "I have no witty remark or lame yet funny quip at the ready. For real this time."

"Why not!?" gasped Harry. This could be serious.

"Because..." blushed Ron, "Could it be that our good old creator, Darkboy77, has... RUN OUT OF IDEAS!?!?"

Harry did not even want to consider that statement to be true.

"But... what about the 'Reflections storyline!?'" said Harry, hardly daring to believe this was happening. "Isn't that going well!?"

"Yeah, it was..." said Ron. "But after that long break the author took, he must have... GOTTEN RUSTY!?"

"Oh no!" shouted Harry. "With no current plots at this time, we'll have to... GASP! IMPROVISE!?"

"I think so." Said Ron. "I think so."

"Okay, let's try." Said Harry, trying to compose himself. "So... what do we do?"

"I think we need a situation." Said Ron. "Some problem... or event."

Suddenly, giant crows began to burst through the windows.

"Hey, did you think of anything yet!?" shouted Harry over the huge sounds of the flapping of wings.

"No!" shouted Ron, fending off crows left and right. "I CAN'T THINK WITH ALL OF THESE CROWS ATTACKING!"

"TRY!" screamed Harry. He fumbled for his wand. With a huge BANG and a flash of light, the crows all fell to the ground, dead.

"I hate birds..." mumbled Harry.

And that started Harry's adventures as a Bird Mass Murderer.

* * *

Um... wow. Review. And the REAL next chapter will be up.


	62. Darkboy is back!

Yes, I am back, after a month or so off. Sorry, I had issues to work out. Thanks to all of the loyal readers who constantly bombarded me with reviews, I salute you. Get ready, for soon, I will be making up for my absence.

Very soon.

Very, very soon...

Very, very, very soon...

_**SUDDENLY, I TAKE ANOTEHR MONTH OFF!**_

Ahem... I'm kidding. Put your knives away.


	63. Reflections part 4, or 5?

Look! Off in the distance!

Is that...

A REAL CHAPTER!?

Disclaimer: It may be a real chapter, but you don't know that yet.

* * *

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat in the common room in front of the fire.

Unfortunately, due to the absence of chairs, (two words: BUDGET CUTS) Ron and Hermione were sitting on Harry's head.

"You're... choking me..." gasped Harry.

"Remember when you went back in time during our third year!?" said Ron, totally ignoring Harry.

"Oh yeah!" said Hermione. That was fun, wasn't it?"

"I... can't... breathe..." said Harry weakly.

"I remember it now..." said Hermione. "You were in the hospital wing..."

* * *

"What's going on!?"

Harry was totally confused. He and Hermione had... done something strange, but he didn't know what.

"For the fifteenth time!" hissed Hermione.

"Sixteenth!" said Harry.

"SIXTEENTH! For the sixteenth time, we have GONE BACK IN TIME! Do you understand?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

"Wait... what?"

"Just shut up."

"Fine."

Hermione then proceeded to untie a rope tied around a very strange looking creature.

"Hermione... what is that thing?" asked Harry.

"Harry, that's BUCKBEAK..."

Buckbeak gave a shriek.

"Quiet, Buckbeak!" hissed Hermione. "Harry, I don't know what's wrong with you, but I think it has to do with you landing on your head after we appeared in the past."

"Oh yeah, that hurt. Wait, we're in the past?"

"Just shut up."

Hermoine quickly untied Buckbeak, and just in time, too, for footsteps were approaching from the hut they were standing next to.

"Hey, Hagrid's house!" said Harry happily. "Let's go see him!" He strolled over to the door.

"NO!" shouted Hermione as quietly as she could. She leaped over and grabbed him by the neck of his shirt.

"OW! Hey... ack..."

"Harry, there are bad people in there!" said Hermione sharply. She was very ticked off.

"Bad... people?"

"Just... follow me!" said Hermione, beginning to grow red in the face. "We have to rescue Sirius Black!"

"SIRIUS BLACK!?" shouted Harry very loudly. "HE'S A NOTORIUS MURDERER!"

"HARRY, BE QUIET!" screamed Hermione at the top of her lungs. She had snapped. But Harry quickly covered her mouth.

"Hermione, we have to be quiet, remember?" whispered Harry, his hand clamped over her mouth tightly.

This was the last straw for Hermione. She grew pink, and then _bit_ Harry on his hand.

"OW!" screamed Harry, jerking his hand away. But Hermione wasn't finished. She leaped onto Harry and began strangling him.

"WE... HAVE... TO... BE... QUIET!"

That was when the executioner and the rest of the party in Hagrid's hut came out. After a lot of commotion, they were able to separate Harry from Hermione.

Buckbeak then flew away.

"LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!" spat the executioner, brandishing his axe menacingly.

Suddenly, Harry and Hermione realized that the invisible, past versions of themselves were probably standing right there, (invisible, of course) gaping at what they were seeing.

Before they could react, Harry and Hermione were suddenly knocked down by a seemingly invisible force, causing some more commotion in the execution party. Hagrid went inside to make some tea, for some unknown reason.

Then, Dumbledore appeared, and seized the "future" Harry and Hermione by the cloaks.

"Let's start over, shall we?"

"Yes, Professor." Said Harry and Hermione sadly.

Thus ended the first attempt at saving Sirius' life.

After 5 more attempts, Harry and Hermione finally got everything right.

Almost.

* * *

Review! Or I'll quit again! Heh... Just kidding. 


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